The Tie: Red and gold holiday stripes.
Number 5: And "Canidate #5" is... Jesse Jackson, Jr. and he denies it. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevch wanted him and went back to work waving them off. Happy 52nd Birthday, sir. All that was talked about was that Senate seat Obama's abandaning, and the state house will consider impeachment along with the Illinois Supreme Court declaring him incompident to work. Meanwhile, Obama's approval rating is 2/3 thumbs up, and nearly 4/5th of the survey interviewees say that they won't miss Adolph Bush XLIII. Chuck Todd is in studio to discuss everything, and says Jackson the younger is out of the running.
Hey look, it's Richard Wolffe, everyone. "What are they thinking?" Criminal behavior, greed, graft, a trip to the big house, we get it all. There's two presidents right now, and we won't hear the end of this. And calling the president-elect a "M*****f***er" demerits you a ton of brownie points, just like Billo The Clown said about certain Harlem restaraunts on iced tea.
And there's a theme to the rest of the news, mostly about the world's oldest profession.
Number 4: Adolph XLIII is okay with the car bailout, most of the Democrats are okay with giving Chrysler and GM $15 billion, but the Republicans from the far-right whacko wing aren't, namely the Alabama twins, who don't have an American-based factory in their state. Now it looks like the UAW's getting screwed. Sen. David Vitter from the Republican nut house in Louisiana says the cliche about putting the car before the horsepower, and this from the guy who has been in the phone records of the DC Madam. Fillibuster? Hell, I didn't know her! Chrysler is in trouble and they're on the hook if they fall. Chris Hayes from The Nation drops by telling Keith he's getting $1.18 in the mail. UPDATE: The House passes the bill.
Oddball: In 1915, Woodrow Wilson got married in the White House. Question: What did she do when Wilson popped the question? Answer: She fell out of bed. Remember the turkey who sacrificed his life for Tina Fey's evil twin sister? It was sold on eBay for $225. One bid. In Fa-La-La-La Land, the Jingle Cats are back in the continuing War on Christmas. And in Lebanon, we see the world's largest potate. All 24 pounds.
Best Persons: 3 - Honesty Knight was stopped for a traffic violation, and lit up a joint in front of an indiana State trooper. 2 - Joe The Plumber said he throws John McCain under the Straight Talk Campaign Bus when he asked about the bailout and was appaled by the comments. 1 - An Aussie astronomer says Christmas was all the way back in 2 BC... On June 17th. The War on Christmas continues again.
Segue Music: Earth Wind and Fire's "Shining Star."
Number 3: The new senator from New York to replace Hilary Rodham Clinton could be...Fran Dreschler? Gov. Mike Patterson, who had talks with Caroline Kennedy about Hilary's replacement hasn't spoken the The Nanny yet. Margaret Carlson joins us to enlighten us. Gov. Patterson got his job when his predecessor resigned for being a call girl's number.
Bushed!: 3 - Union busting bringing to the ATF ordering the rights to 1,500 employees to unionize...threatening national security. 2 - Preston Hollow in Dallas will be the new retirement home of Adolph Bush XLIII. Why do you care, Todd Gilman, because African-Americans aren't allowed? 1 - Condi Rice was praising Obama, and then NPR and the Gitmo question and she objected. Thanks for the torture, bitch!
Number 2: Worst Persons in the World, All Fixed Noise All the Time
Bronze - Dick Morris continues the War on the Clinton on Inanity's show. Got hookers?
Silver - Steve Doocy of Fixed and Fiends says that when they get attacked it never goes over the top. Tell that to the guys at The New York Times who had their pictures altered to look like dogs and other stuff.
Gold - A Fixed Noise censor for bleeping Billo The Clown's name, given to Billo The Clown in absence. Pot humor abound, and you thought Pirate Rupert has the stash? Jabba the Hutt?
Number 1: And as Gov. Blagojevich has become the Boss Tweed of the new milennium, the comics have made it Point One. There's something about this after holding up money for a children's hospital. Bleeps abound, Warren Buffett, and here's Allen Havey to start the roll. "Comedy platinum from the blood red diamonds of Ivana Trump's arrears."
All this talk about prostitution have made me want to take a shower, and that's what I'll do, so I'll see you tomorrow.