Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Divisional Sunday Playoff Blog

Please keep your pants on your waist.

It's America's Team vs. America's Quarterback and the Jets challenging NorvFace.

Remember, no trolls or people who have, umm, a ruler that's 12 inches long.  Then, THE BANHAMMER awaits!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ye Olde Wild Card Sunday Live Blog

Here ya go...

BTW, if you're and of the following - a "journalist", have something 12 inches long, live in the basement of your mom's van down by a river or seek're NOT welcome here.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Retro Sugar-Filled Sodapop Sarah Palin Bridge to Nowhere Between Games Show Live Blog

Now that the J-E-T-S JETS! JETS!! JETS!!! advanced 24-14 over the Cincinnati Bungles, and oh lord, Charles Barkley's back in 8-G.  That's terrible. T-R-B-L, terrible.

Sorry about the bad Frank Calliendo impression.  Meanwhile, the Pete Carroll update: Late Monday night for the any signing.

You enjoy Philly-Dallas and I'll watch something else.

Your Five Dollah Favrelong Pre-Wild Card Saturday FNiA Live Blog

Yes, it's Wild Card Saturday, let's get this started!

So, who'd thought Joe Theismann would be back in the broadcast booth?  ESPN should have never broken up him and The Randomness That Is Mike Patrick for Monday Night Football.  Theismann, Patrick and Jon Gurden would have been a great team, nothing against Mike Tirico.  Seriously, George Bodenheimer is a dick.  Familiarity breeds contempt much?

Meanwhile, Pete Carroll to Seattle is all but done according to everyone.  Look for someone else to be at Southern California, like Jack Del Rio, who might beat the Jaguars to LaLaLand.  Buffalo was impressed with Leslie Frazier (Minnesota defensive coordinator) so much, he's the leader in the clubhouse.  Bill Cowher, the Sergeant Slaughter of coaching (look at his jaw for reference) is still on the course.

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And Charles Barkley is in the studio.  That's terrible. T-R-B-L, terrible.

See you between games.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Countdown Live Blog 1/4/10

The Tie: Brown, tan and gold stripes.

Number 5: The pause of the guy who wanted to burn his BVDs as AP says that new security measures have not been enforced, especially in the Mideast.  Homeland Security boss Janet Napolitano and her sidekick, John Brennan are happy, unless the fear card played (yet again) by the Good Oldboysandgirls Party waiting for the boss of your Transport Security Administration as Brennan says the Ayatollah Dickcheney complains that they're trying to fight within the Obama administration.  Shut the fuck up, Cheney.  First, Richard Wolffe tells us what's going on, and then we are joined by Mama Bear Arianna Huffington her her view.

The burning you see is that of the ears of the Ayatollah Dickcheney thanks to Keith's quick comments on the comments he made about the near bombing as a new feature about quick comments. Mr. Cheney, I believe you know Mr. Arnold, Benedict.

Number 4: So who dropped the ball at the CIA on the underwear bomber aboard NWA Flight 253?  We bring in Evan Kohlman to examine the psychology of this.

Oddball: William MacDonald discovered some islands off Australia.  Drag a sparking Coke machine behind a truck.  The Burj Chalifa in Dubai opened with a fireworks display. It's the world's tallest tower.

Number 3: Comedian Boss Taitz Limbaugh is in favor of socialized health care.  The kind for those who earn $33 million per year and had a heart failure. Then the House and Senate will bypass negations to ramrod the Health Care Reform bill passed.  Ezra Klein from The Washington Post tells us more, tells us more, what did Boss say there...

Repeating the EARTH SHATTERING BREAKING NEWS, Richard Wolffe clainms the administration's intel fail may have been intentional.  As in make someone look bad.  The summit on this tomorrow (1/5), with President Obama's comments around 4 PM US EST.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)
Bronze - Scott Rassmussen's bio at is a joke.
Silver - Former beauty queen Gretchen Carlson brings up ACORN again.
Gold - L. Brent Bozell the Clown awarded Ed Schultz a character assassin award for those death panel claims except Boss Taitz Limbaugh did the same thing.

Number 1: Brit Hume, former Fixed Noise host has officially gone senile.  He wants Tiger Woods to give up Buddhism.  Small problem with that, Brit: Tiger is a devout Christian.  Dan Savage Love joins us to tell us Don Imus knows the way of the Buddhism rebirth.

With that, see you tomorrow!

Your 2010 Eagles Non-Divisional Opposition

Outside of the usual Giants-Cowboys-Redskins double round robin, the 2010 Eagles opposition is as follows:

HOME: Packers, Vikings (with Favre, hope for a December meeting), Colts, Texans, Falcons (Matty Cool homecoming.)

AWAY: Bears (third year in a row), Lions, Jaguars (have not won in JAX in two previous tries), Titans, 49ers (More David Letterman Jokes!)

Dates and times to be made up in April.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Football Night in America Live Blog 1/3/10: Ultimate Playoff Seeding Week

So here's the deal with tonight's game:  The New York Jets win, they're in the post season and the New England Patriots will be the #3 seed, but if Cincinnati wins, they get that third seed and the Houston Texans are in the playoffs.

49ers 28, Rams 6: The Rams are now on the clock. Had they lost to Motown, Jim Rome is Burninating would have celebrated two years straight imperfection.

Bears 38, Lions 23: The Lions will pick second (and in the tradition as old as time, opt to pick a wide receiver).

Falcons 20, Bucs 10: The Bucs will select third, but without coach Raheem Morris next season?

Browns 23, Jaguars 17: Jags slim hopes were snuffed out by Cleveland. Will Eric Mankini be snuffed out of his job tomorrow by Mike Holmgren?

Bills 30, Colts 7: Did you know it was snowing in Buffalo? Curtis Painter is NOT an NFL quarterback.  He belongs in the XFL. Or the UFL.  Or the USFL.  Or the WFL.

Panthers 23, Saints 10: There was a Mark Brunell sighting...and the Saints lose three in a row after a 13-0 start.  No team has ever won the Super Bowl after three straight losses in their regular season final weeks.

Vikings 44, Midgets 7: Get a roll of stamps Giants and mail it in!  You were outscored in your last two games, 89-16! If you wish to apply for the defensive coordinator position with the Giants, contact the New York Football Giants c/o Timex Performance Center, East Rutherford, NJ 07073.

Texans 34, Pats 27: Belecheat played another QB not named Tom Brady, and Wes Welker could be done for the season.  Thus the reason they lost.

Steelers 30, Dolphins 24: Pat White was drilled badly helmet-to-helmet but left with all parts intent; however with the results to follow, both teams were eliminated.

Titans 17, Seabags 13: Chris Johnson is a beast, breaking a record for the most yards from scrimmage in a season and the sixth 2,000 yard rusher. Passed O.J. Simpson for the fifth spot of 2,003 yards, more than 400 of them planted by Mark Furman.

Chargers 23, Deadskins 20: Yes, there was a Billy Volek sighting. Yes, Jim Zorn will be fired.

Packers 33, Cardinals 7: Rematch next week. Sunday (1/10) at 4:30 PM. That howling you hear from los Angeles was Ed Goren in shocking disbelief.

Ravens 21, Raiders 13: The Ravens are in the post season and the Super Bowl XLIII champions are out. Kickoff at 1 PM next Sunday (1/10)

Chiefs 44, Broncos 24: Kyle Orton choked away the Broncos' playoff hopes with more picks than an overworked orchard worker with Tourette's Syndrome.

Cowboys 24, Beagles 0:  There.  I said it.  Beagles choked.  Rematch? It's next Saturday (1/9) at Crazy Jerry's House of Discount HDTVs at 8 PM on NBC.

Okay, let's watch this big game at once and see who's in the last spot.

UPDATE: J-E-T-S--JETS!  JETS!!  JETS!!! A 37-0 rock shutout (the Bungles never arrived) in the Giants Stadium finale will have a third rematch on the schedule Saturday (1/9) at 4:30 PM on NBC.