Sunday, November 30, 2008

Football Night in America Live Blog 11/30/08

Good evening, and welcome to the Live Blog for tonight's edition of Football Night in America for the last day of November in 2008. Weather was much of the story up and down the East Coast today, but before we get to that, here's the reminder of why tryptophan was in abundence on Thanksgiving Thursday (11/27) other than inside your turkey as Chef Roger Goodell served up three of them:

Titans 47, Lions 10 - The Lying Downs did their job early and often in this game, and I'm shocked Rod Marinelli wasn't fired. Remember, Lying Downs, Jim Rome is Burninating wants you to go 0-16!

Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9 - And the Seabags did the same as well. Mike Holmgren just can't wait until the season is over.

Eagles 48, Cardinals 20 - Donovan McNabb started, Brian Westbrook scored four touchdowns, the Eagles finally remembered that there is a running game, and the Cardinals were dreadful after going down 21-rock midway in the second stanza.

Bob and Cris start the ball rolling, and Tiki's in DC with the latest on the Plaxico Burgess incident, and says that there's more to this as New York City law requires that all wounds from gunshots must be reported. Bus is in Minneapolis, and Pete King will 411 us on the latest on news from the games. And now, ladies and gentlemen....heeeeeeeeere's Keith and Dan!

49ers 10, Bills 3 - Turk Schonert was in the parking lot calling plays according to Keith. It's the first time a team from the PTZ beats an eastern time. How many "GEAH!"s can you get?

Ravens 34, Bengals 3 - If Marvin Lewis isn't fired, it's because of their offense. You couldn't stop them, you can contain them! The Bungles played like them...

Dolphins 16, Rams 12 - It's Stephen Jackson all the time, leading to three field goals and it's Chris Long vs. Jake Long. The highlights were anticlimatic indeed. All fans got a free in-flight pillow...

Colts 10, Browns 6 - The Colts failed to score an offensive touchdown for the first time in the Peyton Manning era. There was a Ken Dorsey sighting for the Brownies as Derek Anderson, replacing Brady Quinn, was injured. Is Bernie Kosar available? How about Brian Sipe? Otto Graham?

No players room this week, so Bob and Cris anaylize today.

Panthers 35, Packers 31 - Bobby Douglass was the last player to score four TDs against Green Bay. DeAngelo Hall did that today, and the Panthers are that good.

Buccanners 23, Saints 20 - Dan does the old "Pirate's Favorite Letter" (Arrrrrrrrrrr) joke. Rupert Murdoch must be proud. Matt Bryant's game winning field goal was the difference. Greg "Cadillac" Willaims played, and as Dan points out, "your milage may vary" (Thank you, JFein for the comment).

Giants 23, Redskins 7 - Did we mention that Cris and Bob want to give you a pair of tickets to Super Bowl XLIII - valued on the face at $2,000 total - if you win the NBC Sports contest? On the weekend Plaxico Burgess shoots himself in the leg at a Manhattan club, the Redskins honored the late Sean Taylor on the one-year anniversary of his tragic asassination-style murder.

Chiefs 20, Raiders 13 - The only implications here were for the 2009 NFL Draft.

Falcons 22, Chargers 16 - Matt Ryan should be NFL Rookie of the Year for what he's been doing with the Falcons. Consider Ron Mexico toast in the Dirty South. The good news is that the Bolts will get the punchless Raiders Thursday.

Broncos 34, Jets 17 - The Broncos won because someone finally figured out the wildcat play. Thomas Jones, Jones, Jones, JONES! Sit on it, Ralph Malph...

Steelers 33, Pats 10 - The Pats were a mess today. Heavy rain, slick balls (get your mind out of the gutter), four Pats turnovers and a stingy Steelers defense led to Belecheck to get the stamps out and mail it in.

The Little Big Show - The condensed version if you tuned in late. Road teams were 10-for-11 on Sunday after going 1-2 Thursday.

Quote du jour from Bob: "Remind me to never interrupt Cris as he's pronouncing himself as an idiot." Keith, the non-twin brother of Mr. Collinsworth (both born on the same day) replies with "Oh, you'll have plenty of chances to do that!"

Enjoy Da Bears and Da Vikes, and I'll be here with the Countdown live blog all week.

UPDATE: Plaxico Burgess will turn himself in to New York's finest on Monday (12/1), and the Vikings beat down Da Bears, 34-14.

Hilary To Be Nominated For Secratary of State

Hilary Rodham Clinton will be nominated tomorrow (12/1) in the fourth press conference for President-Elect Barack Husein Obama.

And in other news, it has been reported that according to Christopher Columbus, the world is round.

I'll have the live blog for you at around 7:55 PM EST tomorrow for Countdown. In the meantime, join me for the Football Night in America Live Blog at about 7:10 PM EST later tonight.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Countdown Live Blog: 11/26/08

We have 54 days until the inauguration of Barack Obama, we've had 2,037 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, there's 29 days until Christmas, one day until Thanksgiving (and a short recess from the live blogging for that holiday weekend until Sunday Night's Football Night in America) and 66 days until Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa.

The Tie: Green.

Number 5: First, how the day before giving one's thanks went as illustrated by two presidents: Obama has his third presser in three days naming Paul Volker as chairman of the new fiscal oversight commitee as it were. What Mr. Bush was officially doing will be reported later on. Question: Are there too many Clinton holdovers? Answer: It depends on who you ask. Obama is promising change, and tells Baba Wawa to forget those holiday bonuses, illustrated by the misspending AIG's CEO now getting $1 in salary. Those who are going to food banks are up by a third from last year. Richard Wolfe is asked if Obama's the president right now, and it seems that way because it's a real recession, not a Neighborhood of Make-Believe King Friday XIII recession. The National Security team will be announced next week (December 1-5).

Jonathon Alter is in the studio to discuss the imfamous recession that started with tax cuts that went to the working class to the rich. Like many sports teams, the rich (major markets, power franchises) got richer and the poor (small markets, weaker teams) were given the scraps. Hence where the bailouts go, Wall Street first, Main Street afterwards. Even Bush XLIII delayed his turkey pardon photo op by a half hour to allow Barack XLIV to have another press conference.

Number 4: The Indian financial capital of Mumbai (fomerly Bombay) was attacked by terrorists, and the updated numbers (as stated beforehand) stands at 82 dead, over 120 injured (including one American) on an out-and-out attack of Americans and British as hostages. Nice way to start the holiday weekend here in the States. The unkonwn group used AK-47's, hand grenades and other assualt weapons and bombs. Roger Cressey joins us to explain it all with the hostage drama, which takes place in two hotels. Other sites: Two hospitals, a train station, and a couple eateries.

Oddball: Get well Allissa Genardi, in the hospital for Thanksgiving. Cops in chase in New Mexico, and the perp in a moment of stupidity when he gets run over by his own truck. And in Virginia, a Union soldier is eaten by a dinosaur. What the guy is doing is beyond stupid...

Best Persons: #3 - Kushiro Zoo in Japan has problems with polar bears making whoopee. They were females. #2 - A group of people was released after making whoopee in the Metrodome, girl released to her husband; male released to girlfriend. #1 - Washington, DC robber was blinded with red dye. Pants fall down. And as they say at, "Hilarity ensues" as he had no skivvies!

Musical Segue: "Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This" by The Shirelles. Wow, my oldies station flipped to a Classic Christmas format today, too.

Number 3: Tonight's "What Do We Now" segment does ask about the terrorist moments, Gitmo, waterboarding, torture, other stuff. No pardons for those from Bush XLIII, no charges from Obama. A commission forthcoming, but Jack Goldsmith, possibly a suspect, says fat chance. John Dean is surprised by the way this is going to go, as difficult as it may seem.

Bushed!: #3 - More pardons of those inculding the executives involved in the imfamous 1980 Savings and Loan swindling fiasco. Lots of them. From Texas. #2 - Richard Sanders addressed Robert Mukasey and was called a "tyrant!" #1 - Karl Rove claimed "At least at the White House I was in, policy won out." Yeah, right. Who in the bluest of blue hells are you to explain that? Welcome to Dream Street.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World):
Bronze - An executive about Sarah Palin from an internet radio station. Hey, where are the French Canadian pranksters now that we need 'em?
Silver - Glenn Beck thinks that the states that didn't vote for McCain should succeed. Say, remember when the Civil War was fought and the dinosaurs were around?
Gold - Andrew Ross Sorkin and The New York Times started the fact that GM workers made $70/hour to blame those who brought about the current crisis. That had been a lie, it's $28/hour. The whole thing was dishonest as if it ever was. Insert the line that the Times has a great comics section.

UPDATE ON NUMBER 4: Indian hostage crisis and mass murder gets sadder.

Number 1: Oh, the hilariousness of the Sarah Palin Turkey pardon slaughter goodness...the parodies have started. President Bush has pardoned Pecan and Pumpkin to Disneyland for tomorrow's Thanksgiving activities. The tradition by the way, did not start with Harry Truman as many thought, but with Tad Lincoln, Abe's son.

Now back to Sarah and the Turkey Slaughter. David Letterman chimed in with a Top Ten list of her excuses, you betcha! There's also parodies all over those interwebs from amateur filmmakers, and the best comes from Backgrounds including Carrie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail ("It's only a flesh wound!"), Misery, Saturday Night Live and other fun stuff.

Well, that's it. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and remember the words of The Big Guy, Arthur Carlson, who said at the end of the famous WKRP in Cincinnati "Turkeys Away" episode, which has become a Thanksgiving tradition its' self on America One TV and WGN America: "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

The Numbers Are Up Post-Election at MSNBC

The Murdoch Street Journal (known before 2007 as The Wall Street Journal) reports that in the "money demo", those in the 25-to-54 year old demographic that sibling Fixed Noise refers to at News Corpse, MSNBC has tripled its' viewership since a year ago before the non-stop election coverage. Meanwhile, Fixed Noise Channel is down 16% from twelve months ago.

So you know why Mr. O has gotten a new contract and will continue his Holy War with Bill-O The Clown.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Countdown Live Blog: 11/25/08

There's 55 days until the Inauguration of Braack Obama as the 44th President of the United States, 2,036 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 30 days until Christmas, two days until Thanksgiving, 67 days until Super Bowl XLIII and a Partridge in a Pear Tree as Keith arrives on your TV screen this evening.

The Tie: Pink.

Number 5: "It is a done deal" as Robert Gates will still be the Secratary of Defense for another year. Ex-Marine Jim Jones has been named as the NSC. The whole team will be rolled out after Thanksgiving, and Howard Feinstein won't be part of the cabinet...but Hillary is all but on board as well. Widely successful from the victory in Iraq failure that was Rumsfeld, we also see behind Keith the testing of the Christmas lights on the Rockefeller Center tree. They're lighting it next Wednesday LIVE ET at 8 PM on the parent network, dropping the abysmal failure of a remake called Knight Rider in the process. DON'T HASSLE THE HOFF! So this means Keith will move to another position at Studio 1A Second floor. Or they'll just move him to the big room at 3A.

How does this equate with change? Chris Hayes from The Nation answers those questions for us, and enters the All Cliche team stating "that ship has sailed." Right...but it's only for twelve months, and he'll have to follow orders from President Obama, until a new SoD is appointed later in 2009 or 2010. Gates will bring the troops home from what we understand. Did we mention that Gates was the last known link to Iran-Contra?

Number 4: Another day, another Obama ecomomic presser, and don't forget, there's another one tomorrow (11/26) before he takes a break for the holidays, much like this blog after that date for a couple days as far as live blogging. So for tonight's "What Do We Do Now?" segment, and new Budgermeister Meisterbudget Peter Orzog knows where the bodies are buried. So, President-elect Obama will consult with Republicans as well. Hello, partianship! And Nobel Prize winner Paul Krugman gets the belated contrats from Keith. Did you know we're losing 300,000 jobs/month? Secratary of the Treasury Paulson is also trying to get another $600 billion for Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and some other relatives. The chaos continues. "Daddy, what did you do in jail during the bailout?" And Krugman wanted to know what Bush XLIII nicknamed him.

Oddball: On this day in 1900, Helen Gahagan Douglas was born, she was the one who first called Richard Nixon "Tricky Dick." As for the NASA toolbag, it's streaking over Canada, eh? And in Canyon City, Colorado, a jet flyer using a backpack crossed over in 21 seconds.

Best Persons: #3 - One guy steals 15 electric transformers in New Zealand. The billboard comapny had put his pictures on four billboards around Auckland, and now that thief will be doing electrical work in the big house! #2 - The Manly Annie Coultergeist broke her jaw and has it wired shut. Happy Thanksgiving Day, Coultergeist, enjoy the turkey soup. You can write your own punchlines. #1 - Ex California representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham's plea for clemency has 13 signatures...over three years. The jokes write themselves as they say.

Musical Segue: "Duke's Place" (a/k/a "C-Jam Blues") by The Duke Ellington Orchestra featuring Ella Fitzgerald.

Number 3: John McCain held his first press conference since losing to Obama, and one media member called him "Governor". You must be mistaking him for possible cabinet nominee Janet Napoletano, for crying out loud! Cue the Debbie Downer music (and the Denver Broncos fans yelling "IN-COM-PLETE!") but McCain will run again. For Senate in 2010. And there was the Sarah Palin subject, and McCain's happy for her. BTW, the Tina Fey wannabe will be in Georgia campaigning for the imcumbant senator next week in the runoff election. Chris Collizza answers the questions on how bad this is for McCain as he blames the fiscial mismanagement of the GOP (he's a maverick) and the Palin 2012 campaign rolls on, mayhaps? Not so fast, my friends.

Bushed!: #3 - Remember Freedom's Watch? It's about to go to that great PAC in the sky after handing the keys to the government to the Democrats. #2 - The original 45 cololition members went as far as 49...but the posting date was still the same even after several countries wanted out, then back in. #1 - The first list of the lame duck pardons is out, including one for someone killing an Bald Eagle. He was trying to kill coyotes. This guy kills three symbols of freedom. Adolph Bush XLIII killed...about 33?

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World):
Bronze - The head of the South Carolina GOP is running for the national job, and was a member of a racist (white-only) country club.
Silver - Mark Williams of the "Our Country Deserves Better PAC" who is planning to be running teevee commercials saying thanks to Sarah Palin on Thanksgiving Day during the NFL games. Yes, boys and girls, TURKEY DAY! Cue the interview slaughter goodness.
Gold - Dick Morris took $10 K for asking people to donate to the GOP Trust and doing so on Fixed Noise. Journalistic ethics my rear end. Oh, wait a minute, Fixed Noise doen't have journalistic ethics!

Number 1: A new survey says that those who voted against California's Prop 8, banning same-sex marriage, would change their mind and if it were up to them adfter seeing the protests at the Mormon temples, and given a repeal vote at the next election, they would vote to do so. Newt Gingrich's smarter (lesbian) sister, Candace, joins Keith to discuss this, and thanks Keith for the Special Comment two weeks ago on the topic.

Thanks for coming. You wanted the best, you got the best. Ladies and gentleman, KISS!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Countdown Live Blog: 11/24/08

It's 56 days until Inauguration Day, 2,035 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, three days until Thanksgiving, a mere 31 shoplifting days 'til Christmas (j/k about the "shoplifting" part of course) and 68 days until Super Bowl XLIII. And Keith's back from vacation!

The Tie: Navy with purple dots. Must be a new one, and he got it while shopping on vacation splurging from his new contract I guess.

Number 5:
The Obama economic team has been put into place. And they're off and running, all flat fast and getting a stimulation package part deux to have Bush XLIII's tax cuts until 2011, if our President-in-the-on-deck-circle has his way. Citibank is getting $45 billion from the feds in exchange for a $7 billion stake, including naming rights to a famous New Year's Day college football game and a new ballpark replacing Shea Stadium, of which Mets fans have given it a new nickname which rhymes with "Citi" because of high ticket, parking and concession prices, as well as the location in Flushing Meadow, Queens, New York City. Quoth Mr. Olbermann circa October 2007, "See if you can guess." Did we mention that the auto bailout is also pending? Tiger Woods won't be driving a Buick anymore. Richard Wolfe, a/k/a Fred Arminsen in disguise, said that the market and the voting public are looking for a new face in economy, kids. Also, no time for the oversight, and Congress must look into this.

For tonight's "What Do We Now?" segment, the economy and the infrastructure with a green technology to be exact, so Robert Reisch (one of the Comedian's favorites) tells us it's time to rebuild everything with a double whammy, with higher productivity. Everyone has to make sacrifices before we the taxpayers give you the money...all this when gasoline prices went down almost a fifth of a dollar this week just in time for lower Thanksgiving travel. Even blue dog Democrats understand to put idealology aside for the $700B bailout. Welcome to Obamanomics 101, students.

Number 4:
Hillary as Secretary as State still has the imaginary title on the successors in the Senate as well. Barack will have total access to her and pick her own staff. Eugene Robinson joins us to unravel the mystery wrapped in an emigma in a riddle and a slice of Triple Chocolate Pumpkin Pie as well (See "Number 1" for reasons known to everyone else.) The story breaks, runs wild, and will run crazy-go-nuts until after Thanksgiving, a story about Clinton running nuts, eh? And who replaces Ms. Clinton in the Senate once she gets her new job? Andy Cuomo or Bobby Kennedy, Jr.? It's still early.

In other senate news, the new senator from Delaware will be Ted Kafmann until 2010 when Beau Biden finishes his tour in Iraq and runs for his dad's seat. The Minnesota race sees Coleman ahead by 238 but a challenge will have Al Franken (a legitimate ex-comedian unlike Dennis Miller, who is an illegitimate former humorist) winning by 27 votes!

The Pierce Bicycle Comapny in 1900 rolled out it's first horseless carriage today. And we're off with the kickass robot race of the year in Japan. Cue the Roomba Barking Dog. Georgia's Republican Party sent out a mailer with Keith's picture on it for the runoff.

Best Persons:
#3 - Dave and Liz Sarosi tied the mark. #2 - There's a shortage of Santas in Germany. Let the War on Christmas begin! #1 - Wise Men Say with Anthony Knott won a horse race in England. For the first time in 20 years and the the jockey retired.

Music Segue:
A kiddie version of "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. Personally, I prefer the original version.

Number 3:
Time to get your popcorn out...For the first time since David Shuster aired it Thursday, Keith looks at the Sarah Palin Turkey Pardon Slaughter video goodness! Namely the uncensored version where David blurred the slaughtering. Keith brings up the WKRP in Cincinnati episode "Turkeys Away" where turkeys are dropped from a helicopter at a Cincinnati shopping mall, and yes, Loni Anderson is still sofa king hot after three decades. And what's the difference between a "Hockey Mom" and a turkey slaughtering device other than fifteen feet? Lipstick.

Bushed!: #3 - Study finds the administration's for medical services were 25% privatized. Who thought that profits was crazy? #2 - Dana Perino is comfortable about lying about waterboarding. Kristen Wiig is proud of her Dana Perino impression. #1 - "The Iraq War was a success." In Japan. Yeah, is there any other reasons?

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World):
- Mark Halprin of Time Magazine said Obama's win was pro-Obama coverage. Talk about lying through the skin!
Silver - Billo The Clown calls
Media Matters a dishonest site because they had quoted him verbatum (hell, they actually quoted him word for word,) and said Minnesota's Senate race is over when it really wasn't.
- Joe Lieberman was two-faced saying Obama was ready, and then flashback to Meet the Press calling him a celebrity and not ready to lead.

Number 1:
Keith appeared on Martha today (and no, you sick people, it was the TV show, not a porn film) and helped make a triple chocolate pumpkin pie. We're happy to report that the studio survived.

That's all, see you tomorrow and enjoy The World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band, The Rolling Stones!

"Flexing" One's Muscles

It's official: The Sunday Night Football telecast for December 7th is changing from Patriots-Seahawks (considering how sucktacular the Seahawks are with Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brother-in-law at QB this year) to Redskins-Ravens, this according to Awful Announcing. Also, it's rumored that the December 21st game between the Chargers and the Buccaneers will be swapped out for the Panthers-Giants game, one that could be deciding home field in the NFC. The Chargers' playoff hopes have gone down faster than Comedian Rush Limbaugh on a torte binge at an Edelmann's bakery, and Sunday night's (11/23) loss on a Adam Viniteri walkoff field goal to the Colts won't help them get the December 21st prime time date.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Football Night in America Live Blog: 11/23/08

The biggest news of the day is that the Tennessee Titans lost to the New York Jets, meaning the 1972 Miami Dolphins popped the champagne corks as they usually do when the last unbeaten fell, so Perfectville remains "Population: One." Remember that one, Pats fans, hmmmm? Giants fans do! Meanwhile, the Detroit Lions continue the death march to 0-16 as they lost to the decendants of the last winless team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, they of the 0-14 1976 club. Also, Philadelphia sports fans' dreams came true as Andy Reid benched his boy, Donovan F. McNabb, and were blown out of the Inner Harbor by the Ravens when Ed Reed returned replacment Kevin Kolb's interception 108 yards for a touchdown, a new NFL record. Their next dream? Getting rid of Reid AND McNabb. See here for more.

You know the drill, Bob and Cris open the show, toss to John and Al - who are in San Diego tonight covering the Colts and the Bolts, and will go to the La Costa Spa until 8:15 PM - then Peter King comes on to drop some 411 on us...And now, ladies and gentlemen...Hereeeeeeee's Keith and Dan!

Texans 16, Browns 6 - Believe it or not, Kevin Walter - "So what's your name, Kevin or Walter?" - caught a Sage Rosenfels touchdown...and Sage wins a game! That was the good news. The bad was against the Browns!

Bills 54, Chiefs 31 - The Bills had an ass whooping...and the Chiefs provided the ass as The Randomness That Is Mike Patrick would usually say. I use "ass" because "butt" is all college. Dan points out that Coco Crisp took in his first Chefs game as they show a lonely fan all by themselves at the top of a windy Arrowhead Stadium.

Vikings 30, Jaguars 12 - The Vikes score on a recovery and their first offensive possession, and Keith says that "Jack Del Rio [Jags coach] tells Napoleon Harris 'Napoleon, don't let this be our Waterloo.'" Too bad he didn't allow himself to blow his top. And Keith and Dan talk about tight headsets...

Now if Tiki Barber can tell his wife to cook like Bobby Flay or Morimoto... Sorry, Iron Chef America reference from the Thanksgiving Day battle special.

Buccaneers 38, Lions 20 - You know, the Lions had an early 14-0 lead until the Bucs woke up and saw they were playing the Lions, who laid down as if it was on cue. The Better Looking Barber Brother (Ronde) had his 11th interception return for a "Pick 6". Five to go for 0-16 for the Lions. Remember, Jim Rome Is Burning is rooting for you, and Marinelli's putting the blame on himself every week.

Bears 27, Rams 3 - Matt Forte - that was his - scored two touchdowns and Trent Green replaced an injured Matt Bulger, and more coach + mikes on a podium = madness. BTW, does Old Spice Swagger have 'roids in them? Get me the sword of Urlacher!

Cowboys 35, 49ers 22 - You know, Terrell Owens is gonna have a great game someday...oh, he had 213 yards in recieving. Cowboys were wearing their 1960 throwbacks that shoulda been worn Thanksgiving Day. Afterwards, Tony Romo shows that sneaky sense of humor that Yoko Romo - Yeah... I WENT THERE AND BOUGHT THE PROPERTY! - loves.

And no, I won't be watching Rosie O'Donnell's variety show Wednesday, I'm busy preparing for Thanksgiving, thank you...

Patriots 48, Dolphins 28 - Randy Moss finally got in sync with that Cassel guy. There were six lead changes, and the Patriots reverted to the 2007 form running up the score. Randy looked gansta afterwards with electrodes attached to his head. JFein tells us that Collinsworth says that Cassel needs to get "a supermodel to hang onto because he looks like [Tom] Brady." And Keith says that Matt and Moss are boilding Cassels in the sky. *groan*

Ravens 36, Beagles 7 - WARNING: The following contains material that is sensitive for viewers which may be considered disturbing, especially to Eagles fans. Viewer discresion is advised.

Donavan phones it in (2-11) and his backup Kevin Kolb wasn't better as he was picked by Ed Reed for a record 108-yard pick six. Stamps? Check. Envelopes? Checked. Game mailed in? Yup. Only second game with two 100-plus yard returns for touchdowns in NFL history. Reid has decided Monday (11/24) to start McNabb again. Lemme tell you, Randall Cunningham isn't coming through that door. Ron Jaworski isn't coming through that door, hell, Sonny Jurgensen, Norm Snead, Pete Liske or Guido Friiggin' Merkins aren't coming through those doors, either and Andy Reid will more than likely go through that door exiting the facility after the season, and trust me, Donovan won't be far behind.

Jets 34, Titans 13 - POP! That was the 1972 Dolphins celebrating the last unbeaten team this season going down as Bob and Cris remind us we can win Super Bowl XLIII tickets! And the Titans looked all Harry High School in the navy uniforms.

Raiders 31, Broncos 10 - Remember when the Raiders used to score touchdowns on offense? Darren McFadden scored one for Da Raiders. Da Broncos lost three in a row at home.

Falcons 45, Panthers 28 - Keith as we look at a comely fan with wings who must've had some Red Bull and asks this question: "Excuse me, ma'am, did you use public transportation?" And the Falcons thanks to Harry "High School Look" Douglas and Michael Turner, who scored four touchdowns, went on to win. The "Harry High School Look" line was directed at the Falcons' all black uniforms. A "blackout" makes no sense whatsoever even at a night game because it makes the stadium look empty. Ask Georgia. Ask Maryland. Ask the Beagles. Don't even ask Ron Mexico.

Redskins 20, Seahawks 17 - Hugs anyone? Jim Zorn returns to Seattle and Shaun Suisham (pronounced "squeeze'em") kicks the winning field goal.

Giants 37, Cardinals 29 - No Brandon Jacobs, no David Tyree, but they have Dominic Hickson who had two big returns! Madison Hedgecock had a touchdown. Hug your coach today! Bob hugs Cris, and doesn't get the payoff from Keith and Dan. Hilarity ensues...

The Little Big Show - A brief recap of the stuff that happened today...Hey, stop with stealing my lines, Patrick...I can get to say that the 1972 Dolphins had popped the corks. "What do you want to talk about, [Comedian] Rush [Limbaugh]? The economy."

That's it for us, enjoy Colts-Chargers and I'll see you manana for Keith's return to Countdown on MSNBC. It'll be a short week for him because of the holiday.

EDIT 1: The Calgary Stampeders beat Les Alouettes de Montreal, 22-14 to win Le 96e Coupe Grey at Stade Olympique in Montreal. Let the riots begin in Calgary and Montreal!

EDIT 2: Adam Viniterri's 51-yard walk off field goal allows the Indianapolis Colts to defeat the San Diego Chargers, 23-20.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

We're Taking A Break, But As Ahnold Said, "I'll Be Back!"

Keith's still on vaca, so...I'll see you on Sunday for the Football Night in America Live Blog.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

"May The Schwartz Be With You..."

Taking a cue from Mel Brooks' sci-fi spoof Spaceballs in the title of tonight's post, here's somfthing you'll find funny:

It's from NBC's The Office fan site, Dunder Mifflin Infinity. KeithObiWan is the regional manager for the Worcester, Massachusetts branch accoridng to

Monday, November 17, 2008

When Keith's Away, Then It's My Turn To Play

David Shuster's in for Keith this week as The Big Olbermann is on vacation for the first time in a year, so there's no live blog until November 23rd for FNiA... But, I do have something to tide you over...

First, open a new tab in your browser and cut ansd paste this in:

Now follow us as we present tonight's nominees for that coveted title "Worst Person in the World."

The third place slot tonight goes to the wrestling fake fighting organization Total Nonstop Action Wrestling Fake Fighting Entertainment. The group has offered a $50,000 charitable donation to disgraced John McCain vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin for her services to the troupe known as "The Beautiful People", made up of wrestlers porn named-sounding performers Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Kipp Sopp, to make an appearance at their upcoming pay-per-view wrestling fake fighting event "Final Resolution" on December 7th.

Look, I don't know about you, but for fifty thousand fish, you'd be better off getting Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin, or a low budget Palin impersonator along with a John McCain lookalike. In her defense, let me say that Sarah Palin has better things to do on December 7th, mostly because she's seeing Russia from her house near that Bridge to Nowhere. And if I got the fifty grand, it's going straight to the Alaska Special Olympics.

Tonight's silver goes to Sean Inanity, er, Hannity and Hugh Hewitt, once again parrotting Comedian Rush Limbaugh's Obama-cession lines even when the only sensible person at Fixed Noise, Hannity's co-host Alan Colmes correctly stated that is isn't Obama's fault. Hewitt said "I don't call it socialism, I call it a really bad tax policy." To which Hannity asked Colmes "Can I get you a decaf?"

Hugh, Sean, what's this about this whole decaf between you? This "socialism" you call it Hugh, this bad tax policy that you're talking about? This is called "Reaganmonics." It didn't work in 1981, it didn't work in 2008, and it won't even work now. You two dingalings need to be reading more into this "socialism" as you like to call it.

But our winner...oh here we goooooooo... Micahel Weinersavage. When talking about child rearing, here's what he had to say about it:

"I have found in my life that most of the Ph.D. experts on children are either gay or crazy and were never married. Or if they were married, they either kill their wife or were in rehab for a few years, and then came out and went into psychotherapy to find out why they killed, or attempted to kill. And then it all washed away, and suddenly they're experts on childbearing."

This is the same Michael Weinersavage who called autistic children "brats who haven't been told to cut out the act", called Obama "an affirmative action president" during the campaign, and has a son who sells a energy drink called Rockstar, of which I am personally boycotting for those reasons. Joel McHale says about Kim Kardashian's sisters, that they're all dead behind the eyes. If you ever see a picture of Michael Weinersavage, take a closer look at the disgruntled former MSNBC employee. McHale was right, he is dead between the ears.

Michael Weinersavage, proof that zombies indeed live, today's WORST... PERSON... No, really, I'm serious, he's a dead man walking personified... IN THE WORLD!

How To Cook A Turkey

Since this is the week before Thanksgiving, and I always get one free bird as a frequent shopper at certain supermarkets (I won't name them for fear of free publicity,) you're wondering "How does one cook a bird?" Well, faithful readers, I took the Alton Brown approach a couple years ago, and it has worked to perfection. Here's the steps that are used to do so.

STEP ONE. Before you cook your turkey, give it a good brining to allow the flavor to come out. Go down to a reliable home improvement store, buy a five gallon bucket used for mixing huge amounts of paint and a lid, and clearly mark this as a "Turkey Brining Only" bucket. In the spirit of Mr. Brown's multitasking stuff (the sole unitasker being a fire extinguisher), you can also use this as a seat by adding a pillow on top. Then, get a gallon of hot H2O, a pound of ice, a cup of salt (Kosher will do, but sea salt is also good) and a cup of something sweet (sugar, brown sugar or even honey) and place your turkey with the giblets and neck removed from the cavity into the briney waters - Arrrrrrr! Sorry, my inner Pirate Rupert Murdoch - clamp on the lid and set for at least a day or two.

STEP TWO. Get yourself some alumimum foil, about a six inch by six inch square, and make a breast plate by forming it on the front of the bird upon it. Also, to make the skin brown, use olive oil (extra virgin is okay, but any type olive oil will work.) Heat at 500 degrees for the first half hour, then turn it down to 350 for fifteen minutes per pound thereafter. (A 12-pound bird will take three hours as an example, adjust accordingly.) Remember, don't trust that pop-up timer on your bird, it pops at a certain time, but it contains a ceramic substance and the rest of the bird won't be cooked well.

There you have it. Just an advance way of saying "Happy Thanksgiving" a week early. If it were Ben Franklin's perogotive, the turkey would have been the national bird (and the Philadelphia NFL team would have been called the Turkeys) and we'd be eating eagles for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, it didn't turn out that way...unless you were the NFL team and you've been playing like turkeys.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Football Night in America Green is Universal Edition Live Blog: 11/16/08

It's the Football Night in America Green is Universal Live Blog. As usual, Bob Costas and Keith's non-twin brother Cris Collinsworth will be in charge of the first two segments along with a Peter King visit, and then Keith and Dan Patrick will join Cris, Jerome Bettis and Tiki Barber, who'll be on Iron Chef America's Thanksgiving battle later tonight as a judge no doubt tasting anything not made by Alton Brown, thank you. And in celebration, the typing tonight will be in green.

First off, congratulations to Jimmie Johnson on winning his third NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship in a row. Enough of the off-topic non-football stuff!

As far as the Green is Universal stuff, Cris likes to walk to work (I understand Keith does as well), Tiki takes MTA and Bus tells his wife what to do...and now, heeeeeeere's Keith and Dan!

Saints 30, Chiefs 20. It's the 30th anniversary of the "Miracle of the Meadowlands" this week...and poor Herman Edwards could very well start typing up a new resume. We get our Usama Bolt "He promises change" joke.

Panthers 31, Lions 22. And Keith needed to do a directions joke and the "Most obvious face mask since 'Halloween'" line as well. Go 0-16 Lions! Jim Rome will be rooting for you so Andy Reid can take over after he gets his axe in Philadelphia. They belong together.

Broncos 24, Falcons 20. Spenser Williams is my new hero, starting on both offense and defense. Jay Butler, er, Cutler...Dan gets a Kenny Mayne "my bad!"

Eagles 13, Bengals 13. I had to watch this clustermuck. Keith does an Al Davis "Tha uttah teams kwadderback..." line, and a Shayne Graham "GEAH!" missed field goal. "Andy Reid (and Donovan McNabb) didn't know what a tie was!" Dan and Keith discuss and Mr. Patrick slams McNabb's Syarcuse schooling. Tiki says that the Bungles were playing for a tie.

Dolphins 17, Raiders 15. How do you celebrate your Vonnie Holiday? By getting sacked, but at least the Raiders kept this close...195 minutes and 36 seconds without a offensive touchdown. Say, do they get to play the Bengals? Collinsworth compares the sea mammals - no, they're not fish - to Mariano Rivera...or in my case, Brad "Mr. Perfect" Lidge.

Colts 33, Texas 27. Joseph Adadi...aye, yi, yi. The Colts were trailing in the third...and there's been a Marvin Harrision sighting as he scores a touchdown! Sage (Rosenfels, the Joey Harrington of the Texans) it isn't so...

Bucs 19, Vikings 13. Dan informs us Tiger Woods was doubtful for this game. Jeff Garcia should have stayed an Eagle IMHO, and remember, you can't spell Gus Frerotte(n) without "Geah." This guy once celebrated scoring a touchdown...and got a concussion as a result by hitting his head into a wall as part of the celebration!

Packers 37, Bears 3. The oldest professional football rivalry between the A. E. Staley Company originally from Decatur, Illinois against the Indian Packing Company of Green Bay, Wisconsin was a one-sided affair, and after the highlights, Keith shows fans with frostbitten hats and informs us that they're melting.... The hats, not the fans. What a world, what a world!!! I just made Margaret Hamilton proud with that last line.

Giants 30, Ravens 10. It's Bob and Cris doing the highlights on this one, but not before Mr. Collinsworth informs us we could win Super Bowl XLIII tickets. Can I room with Keith should I win?

Christ on a cracker, it's the Geico caveman... wasn't their show cancelled? And Whiskey Tango Foxtrot was he doing at FedEx Field?

49ers 35, Rams 16. Best 2-8 matchup ever? More like a battle of interim coaches as Singletary wins. And the "Either Relevant or True" line (R. I. P.) was brought out as a tribute to you, Becky!

Cardinals 26, Seahawks 20. Antoin Bolton and Larry Fitzgerald were the tenth pair of recievers to have at least150 yards recieveing. Matt Hasselbeck looked like Elizabeth Hasselbeck...sitting next to Keith.

More Green is Universal stuff for you: the NBC logo just went emerald.

Titans 24, Jaguars 14. This word just in: The Titans are that damn good. And Justin Gage was engaged. It wouldn't shock me if the former Houston Oilers win it all. Keith also channels his inner LL Cool J when Kerry Collins and Vince Young celebrate, saying "Mama said knock you out."

Steelers 11, Chargers 10. This game was played on a sloppy, icy field, and the Californians were iced. It's 7-2 the Padres over the Pirates at one point. Jeff Reed's field goal wins it. Hey, Steelers, I've got two words for you: FieldTurf (R)!

It's Little Big Show time, and we get the Reader's Digest condensed version of what we saw today. Keith's best line: "The Panthers had the day off...they played the Lions." Everything but "BYE!". Dan pulls a groin on the Steelers' winning field goal. And still more Green is Universal, and Keith stopped buying bottled H2O thanks to his girlfriend, having gone to filtered water. Dan steals my line about ESPN lines from the Countdown Live Blog on Friday (Ripoff artist! *kicks Dan in the shins and runs away*), and also drives a hybrid. Bob tells us he goes to Jets and Celtics games because of their color. Enjoy the Cowboys and Redskins tonight, and oh by the way, don't forget The Boss (BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!) at halftime! As for me, I'm outta here, off on a soda run.

UPDATE: Cowboys beat the Redskins 14-10 in a snoozer of a game.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The O Files FAQ (Which will be updated whenever I like as it were)

So you have questions, I have answers. Here we go...

Who are you?
I'm a native Philadelphian, born and bred in The City Of Sibling Love and lived here for all my life except for six years in the middle of nowhere, also known as Emporia, Virginia, forced to do so by my mom. I was a writer for three years while there for WGN's The Bozo Show, sending in scripts for the show and getting $50 for every one. I also have dabbled in newspaper writing and even doing introductions for a bad horror movie show in Philly called Saturday Night Dead on KYW-TV.

I am a fan of all Philadelphia sports teams pro and college (I loved it when Chase Utley officially declared "World [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Champions!") and mark out for pro wrestling, especially WWE.

Why'd you call this blog "The O Files"?

Ah, yes, that question. A tribute to Mr. Keith Olbermann, the master of all that is Countdown on MSNBC and a witty reference to the old 1990 Fixed, er, Fox Broadcasting series The X Files. We (the olbermann fans) are out there, we know who we are.

Needless to say, if you have a question, post it and I'll try to answer it for you...and yes, I have a Braille cover copy of Keith and Dan Patrick's The Big Show in my possession.

Countdown Live Blog: 11/14/08

One of the things that I'll be doing is that I'll do a as-it-happens live blog of Countdown and Football Night in America, so trust me on this one, it'll be fun.

Tie: The Color Purple with darker dots.

Number 5: Madame Hillary Rodham Clinton, Secretary of State? Well, she was doing a presser up in Albany on mass transit, and lo and behold... "The job is hers if she wants it," claims ABC News. President-Elect Barack Obama has (sources say) offered the job to Hill, and she's not speaking about it. A number of insiders within the transition team love it. Fred Arminsen, er, whoops, Richard Wolfe says that "ninety percent of this is all speculation"... Or it could be 90% something else for that matter. (I still have the SNL skit with Ben Affleck on my mind!) It's Barack's house, we're all paying the rent.

According to the story that was first reported in house by Andrea Mitchell and now by Chuck Todd, yes the offer has been made. No more health care reform, or the millions of her fans via e-mail according to the plan, and Jon Meacham from Newsweek checks in from Los Angeles and says that it's how you look magnaminous. When Keith asks if it's a case "Keep your friends close and your eneimes closer", the question is "Who'll be Joe Biden's second-in-command?" If she turns it down, then Obama will turn to someone else. So many trees were used in the political obits on Bill and Hillary, or as Jay Leno called them "Billary." Look for a "Chelsea Clinton 2028" bumper sticker on

Number 4: To those who followed the Obama campaign, there were more airtight seals than a Dutch dyke without leaks. Reports from everywhere on Hillary The Great being Sec of State were flying. Hey look, it's Craig Crawford! He thinks it's an intended leak to see how We The People react according to the First Amendment rights we enjoy. No playing games, gracias, amigos. Any other reasons for the "intential leak" to get a Princess Bride reference and a Star Trek mention as well? Gene Rodenberry R.I.P. Even John Kerry has been mentioned for crying out loud... Even Nixon had his Waterloo as Danny Ozark would mention, and a shout out to Doris Kerwin Goodwin, too.

Oddball, the Bill-O The Clown goes on The Daily Show Edition: Happy 60th Birthday Prince Charles! What would Loofah/Falafel Boy worry about and mistake a small stuffed teddy bear as a panda? Sweet cream on an ice cream sammich! Also, it's International Ukrane Government Federation Wrasslin', cleverly disguised as a Republican meeting and kids flying on poles. Whee!

Best People: 3 - Abby Elliott joins SNL, continuing the family tradition that her dad (Chris) and granddad (Bob) have been doing forever seemingly. 2 - Amy Taylor's getting d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d in reality and online. Uh-oh! 1 - A bank robber in Pennsy demanded money,from a local bank and tried to steal money, and the tellers in order went faint, nothing, nothing, bye-bye! He's filing a complaint, and will be in the big house! Music Segue: Something about "Gimme the cash." After all, that's what CC Sabathia may be getting from the Damn Yankees...

Number 3: President-elect is going to meet with John McCain, and they're going to see how everything's going to be smooth, and Chris Kofinis is here to tell us that the nastiness if over, unless you live in Alaska, Minnesota and Georgia, where ballots for Senate seats are being counted... Would Obama discuss having a Republican in his cabinet? Mmmmm, could be...

Bushed: 3 - AP says the feds will file charges against six Blackwater mercinaries. can I get an "Uh-oh" from Carl Lewis? 2 - Bailouts to propose FDIC to see another 1.5 million houses defaulting. What did you do to be jailed in the bailout, Daddy? 1 - Remember Don Siegelman being convicted? Turns out a Turd Blossom flunkie discovered on a three-page comment from Siegelman says that a survey said 67% said it was motivated. by politics See you in the big house, honey!

Number 2 (WPitW):
Bill-O still can't tell a teddy from a panda, and rants on gay marriage. Geez, didn't you see Keith's Special Comment on California's Prop 8 Monday? Oh, wait, you didn't, because you're on against him. My bad!
Silver: Rick Davis, John McCain's boss rants on Sarah Palin's Katie Couric interview because she was a female and thought it would be softer? Please! Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin was much funnier...even with Amy Poehler-as-Katie Couric.

Richard Sharp writing about nonsense in the San Diego Union-Tribune mistaking registering for the Army instead of for the Peace Corps. May we suggest getting a breath of fresh air somewhere else, sir? Far, far away on another planet.

Number 1: Didja hear about President Bush the 43rd tried to bring peace with the Group of 20 on the economy, stupid, and the story goes that he tried to talk with the President of Russia and the President of France (and his hot trophy First Lady) about bringing peace by saying Vladmir Putin to hang Bush XLIII "by the..." putting this politely... "gonads." Eugene Robinson brings us the story on "What Would Adolph The XLIII Do?" His legacy alrerady ruined post 9/11, this proves that is going downhill faster than a lame duck ever will be.

That's it for tonight's show, 66 days until Inauguration Day and Day 2,025 since "Mission Accomplished". Be sure to join us Sunday night for Football Night in America Green is Universal, where Dan Patrick and Keith will celebrate the NBC Universal promotion by recycling all of their old lines from their glory days on ESPN SportsCenter. Oh, wait, they already do that? Until then, try the waiteress, tip the veal and enjoy Wayne Newton everyone!

The first post in The O Files

Welcome to "The O Files". As you can tell, this is where I will be picking up where the "Either Relevant or True" blog that has ceased running. As you can tell, this will be about Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Sunday Night Football and other things thereabouts outside of the Olbermann universe. Personal stuff, news stories, offbeat things, you name it, I'll try to get into it.

For all those who are coming over from ERT looking for a cyberpad to crash while being a fanboy or fangirl of Keith Olbermann, welcome. For all those who are just coming here, and just looking to drop by and visit, then I also say welcome to you.