Countdown Live Blog: 1/15/09

I'm doing the 10 PM Countdown tonight due to the President's farewell address.

With that, five days until the end of America's nightmare, and you can do the rest...

The Tie: Maroon, cream and navy stripes.

Number 5: Go on, guess. The farewell adress to the nation of Adolph Bush XLIII's "presidency". Many of his comments tonight in the Reader's Digest Condensed Edition were interrupted with comments like "Surely you cannot bring up waterboarding", "Tell that to the families of the over 4,000 dead soldiers and over 100,000 civilians in Iraq", or "What about those 3,000 families in New Orleans that are still living in trailers?"

Tweety (Chris Matthews) joins up for the award Adolph XLIII would have to accept with everything but another "Mission Accomplished" banner of the ideaology of taking over a country, and quoted Thomas Jefferson of which Jefferson would object. I'm sure at Montecello, Mr. Jefferson's doing a two-and-a-half pike with a twist in his grave.

Number 4: Scott McClelland rejoins us from Washington to give us his take on the speech. The man at the top (next to Keith) on Billo's Shit list as it were says that is was all bullshit, a feel good farewell speech highlighting his nonsense. So unless he wants to come out in the open and listen to his mastakes, it sounds like Charle Brown's trombone-sounding teacher and good intentions went awry against your actions.

Lo and behold, Attorney General nominee Holder says that indeed waterboarding is torture, and we learn that our leader is not above the law. DoJ will be cleaned up, and just as Arlen Spector was about to ask questions, too.

Number 3: As for the incident in New York's Hudson River near 48^th Street, let's say it was nothing more than a miracle. US Airways ("Unfortunately, Still Allegheny In Reality Ways") Flight 1549 took off en route from LaGuardia toward Charlotte, North Carolina, hit a flock a geese and the pilot, Capt. Sully Sullenburger, who is the director of safety for the Airline Pilots' Union, lands prefectly into the freezing Hudson River. One passeneger was severly injured with both broken legs, and everyone survived. Robert Hager calls it just that, a miracle. And in ninety seconds as well!

Number 2: Stories coming from the survivors of the splash crash tell that there was a major crash forthcoming several minutes into the flight, and Jeff Kolodjay, one of the survivors, tells that he was on Spirit Airlines, but the flight was cancelled so they took US Airways for their annual Myrtle Beach golf trip. At WNCN-TV, the NBC affiliate in Raliegh, one of the anchor's parents was on the flight, and was relieved to hear that he survived and he thanked all those involved in the rescue.

Number 1: Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenburger III will be lauded for what he did gliding the Airbus 220 owned by US Airways and Joe Hart said "he actually floated in on the river". The former F-4 fighter in the Air Force was the last man in the river, and Denny Fitch, a former United Airlines pilot who did the same on a tarmac in Sioux City, Iowa joins us to explain his comparisons to that twenty years earlier.

Well, that's it for tonight. Obviously, there was no Oddball, Best Persons, Bushed! and Worst Persons in the World, however Richard Lewis will return tomorrow do deliver some parting shots at the Adolph XLIII Reign of Errors.

Countdown Live Blog: 1/14/09

Six days left until Inauguration Day. I'll spare you the rest for this evening.

The Tie: Black.

Number 5: "We tortured Qatani", the twentieth terrorist in 9/11, and he won't be tried. Thus the decision from The Pentagon's Susan Crawford, and thus the last known vestiage of Adolph XLIII. In an interview with The Washington Post, Ms. Crawford said that she puts the blame on former Defense Secratary Rumsfeld saying that Adolph hurt his chances of giving justice American style to the one who was not on any of the hijacked planes that day. Lt. Cmdr. Charles Swift USA (Ret.) joins us and is surprised to hear that, and isn't disagreeing with it. The Bush Gestapo is appealing such decision.

What began without responding on bombings and on justice, and Usama Bin Laden's new video arrives with that. Richaed Wollfe joins us to try to explain the whole story today. Meanwhile, Herr Cheney says it was misinformed interviewers that did it. Yeah, another three tons of bullshit in a two-ton bag.

Number 4: W. Is For Whitewash. Herr Goebles underestimated many mistakes, and the failed presidential era accoridning to Cheney said he underestimated...everything. The connection between Saddam Hussein, Al-Queda and 9/11 was muddier, and Adolph XLIII told Larry King that it was silly namecalling going on in DC. Former White House Press Secratary Scott McClellan, the name at the top of the Billo Enemies List, joins us and is as stunned as everyone else about these things. No, really.

Oddball: Say good night, kids. In Marquette, Michigan, the dog attacks family's new Wii. Ozzie is okay after accident. And in London, the BMW and a lady within were ejected after a misread.

Best Persons: 3 - Pittsburgh Steelers fan Luke Ravenstahl says his name will be Steelerstahl, wich is Steelersteel, instead of Ravenstahl. 2 - Ryan Seacrest missed a blind contestant high five on Idol. And you wonder why keit dislikes it? 1 - The Pratts had an underdraft of over $170K, and moved to Florida to buy a house. The Big House is their new home.

Musical Segue: Greetings from Florida, Wish You Were Here.

Number 3: GonzoRacistGate Day 2: Bradley Schlozman, who delivered the racist and right wing water carrying commentary via e-mail is still in the DoJ, and is at a new post, and someone will have to be appoined to look into this. Prof. Jonathon Turley joins us to tell us DoJ is indeed a toxic cesspool, and it needs to be cleaned up when Obama takes over.

Bushed!: 3 - Remember John Tanner, the guy who liked his coffee black and bitter, and left for Alabama, paid for by DoJ. Redrawing districts in Alabama. Racism. 2 - Comedian Rush Limbaugh was having lunch with Adolph XLIII, and got a cake agaped. 1 - Daddy, where were you in jail when the bailout happened? Predatory lenders have started up again to mortage those loan sharks.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)

Bronze - Glenn Beck calls Obama "Marxist" after all of this.

Silver - Larry Schwikert will tell us Obama doesn't have a war to deal with.

Gold - Sen. James Imhoff calling someone a secret socialist, and Carol Browner said she supported the Fairness Doctorine.

Number 1: So, President-elect Obama had the enemy (conservative right wing water carrier columnists) over at George Will's place the other night for dinner. Ya know, I've love to stay and chat about it, but E. J. Dionne will tell you about it and I gotta go.

Before I do, the live blog will run tomorrow at 10 PM US EST due to the Farewell Speech of Adolph XLIII. Good night, everyone!

Countdown Live Blog: 1/13/09

One whole week untl Inauguration Day, 2,075 since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 19 days until Super Bowl XLII in Tampa, 32 days until Sping training begins for pitchers and catchers and 82 days until the Philadelphia Phillies open defense of the 2008 World [BLEEPING] Championship. Did I mention by the way that this is Night One of American Idol Season Eight V 2.0?

The Tie: Gray with white and blue crosswaves.

Number 5: Pointlessly Impeachment of Clinton II: The Charity Editon. Sen. Lugar wants Bill to stop collecting foreign gifts to The Clinton Foundation, especially those in good faith and all of them will be disclosed. And on policy, Hilary will engage not taking options off the table in a new approach to become a cornerstone of the Obama administration, and getting out of Iraq is Priority One. Jonathon Alter joins us in DC to anaylize, and says she'll use all the tools in her toolbox to her advantage.

Has it been a year since the New Hampshire Primary?

Meanwhile, back on the W. Is For Whitewash Watch, Adolph XLIII's gratitude to the final cabinet meeting (and counting down at Countdown has NEVER been this fun) leaving with his head held high (up his roodypoo candy ass.) Howard Fineman joins us for the Reader's Digest Condensed Edition of the whole story, and includes the lifers (as it were) including a slide show featuring comedic comment by Shecky Bush, appearing next week at the Chuckle Hut.

Number 4: Herr Goebels Cheney calls Gitmo "clean" and anything but a four diamond AAA resort, but he tells poker expert Bill Bennett it's okay, but says that there are ten percent of the 250 prisoners are being fed via feeding tubes due to a hunger strike. Cheney slaps Obama around on the closing, wishing he had done it on his watch. Two more tons of bullshit in a one-and-three-quarters ton bag. Chris Hayes of The Nation answers it all for you.

Oddball: Forty years tomorrow, Jason Bateman was born. FoK (Friend of Keith). Man vs. freezing in Tokyo achieving highs. And the Commander-in-Chief Ball will have a big 500-pound Presidential Seal cheesecake.

Best Persons: 3 - Pope Benedict XVI has issued a edict on Virgin Mary sightings. 2 - A German firehouse burned down in front of the fire company. 1 - Five kids in White Plains, New York steals a 50-year-old man's briefcase and then taunt the guy on his stolen cellphone without a tracer? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Musicial Segue: Take a shot, was it Leadbelly? This should have called for Raffi's "BananaPhone" sped up x2.

Number 3: GonzoGate is baaaaaack! When one of his aides tesified during the hearings for Fredo, he said that he turned an blind eye to politics and race. Until they found an e-mail with slurs and nasty comments about Democrats, it looked like this guy that was picking the wrong week to give up the Bill of Rights, smoking, drinking, the Equal Right Act, sniffing glue, uppers and the Civil Rights Act, especially when his name was Bradley Schlozman.

Bushed!: 3 - That presser yesterday? White House interns filled empty seats when attendance was underwhelming. 2 - Conzi hears that Iraq is now celebrating Christmas. Good for Iraq. 1 - W. Is For Whitewash: Appealing for money for Adolph XLIII at the RNC. Lies, bullshit, gave us an example, please?

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)

Bronze - Lou Dobbs said that Obama and Mexico's president Calderon didn't talk about NAFTA. But they did.

Silver - Insanity said that women refered to women as bitches, but Ted Nugent calling Hilary a bitch is another story. Rachael Maddow P\/\/NS YOU, INANITY!

Gold - Billo the Clown shows a clip from 24 and we're supposed to take him seriously... JACK BAUER ISN'T REAL!

Number 1: I'm waiting for SNL to bring Tina Fey back to reprise her killer Sarah Palin impression. Check that, I'm DYING to see Elizabeth Santamatina Fey return to SNL and reprise her Evil Twin Sister's impression. Fancy pagent walking and all. Palin did yet another interview, this time with Esquire Magazine saying she was indeed muzzled by the McCain campaign on subjects. You surely can't stop the snowball that is Miss Wasalia 1984, and you betcha that you can't try to contain it, either. (Sorry, Dan.) Dr. Phil, much? Yes, she can see Alaska from her house, hates bloggers (OUCH!) and the interviews with Charlie and Katie were fair, according to Mike Huckabee. Eugene Robinson speaks on behalf of the media to explain this all.

See you tomorrow. I have to cover my windows to prevent extreme chills drafting into my house for the next week.

Countdown Live Blog: 1/12/09

Eight days until the inauguration of Barack Obama, 2,074 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 20 days until Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa, 33 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training and a modest 83 days until the 2009 MLB season opens in Philadelphia.

The Tie: Purple again, but with dark blue dots.

Number 5: And W. is for Whitewash, the exit presser. You won't have W to kick around anymore. Adolph XLIII ranged the gamut of emotions from A to D. Anger, baffled, confused and dumb, dumb, dumb. The worst White House occupant since Millard Fillmore ruining the country, and the worst modern President since Herbert Hoover, blaming Clinton (couldn't blame his dad) for the economic woes. Blames himself for "Mission Accomplished" saying much of his bullshit was a mistake (Really?) and tried to fly Air Force One responding to Katrina two days after it struck and the rest of the Katrina aftermath as well. There are 9K families in Louisiana still living in trailers, and says not finding WMDs in Iraq was "a disapointment". Like the Lions going 0-16. And he disagrees that our moral standing among our fellow world members is severly damaged. And forget hapius corpus and cue up all those 9/11 lines, destroying the Constitution and Bill of Rights in the process, rubber stamped by three Republican Congresses. And if he's more conserned about the country, he's not getting sleep every night. No gain, no pain, no brain. And what tools are legal on what is legal. Impeachment in jail?

Number 4: More of the "W. as in Whitewash" egress PC. Forty seven minutes of nonsense, and Richard Wollfe joins us to recap the event. Adolph XLIII ignores his critics and after all the contridiction will be remembered as our worst president of our lifetime. Fauilure to bring the basics are not learned at the time, and the disapointment of Katrina. Let's call them sad statements. I say again, let's call it what it really is via The Rock: two tons of bullshit in a one and a half ton bag.

And one of the greatest senator-designate news: Senator-Designate Burris from Illinois, and he will be sworn in later this week, if the Republicans have no objcetions.

Guess what? We got a NBC Sports promo on the transition to Digital TV with Keith and Dan on Comcast!

Oddball: Time to take a break from "All Adolph XLIII All the Time," but happy birthday to Comedian Rush Limbaugh, and like the horoscopes, he's not really useful. And the new light rail in Tempe, Arizona needs to be fixed. Helecopters are getting meese from Utah to Western Colorado. And in Norman, Illinois, we had marrage at Taco Bell.

Best Persons: 3 - BBWAA announced Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice as new members of the Baseball Hall of Fame. 2 - The Shady Lady brothel now giving $50 Discover Cash Cards. 1 - Feliks Goldshtein arerested while in line to rob a bank. charles Addams did the same thing in a The New Yorker cartoon...in 1947!

Musical Segue: Ozzy Osbourne?

Number 3: Gitmo will close after the inauguration, and in the wake of "What did Adolph XLIII know and what did he know about it?" Waterboarding? Adolph XLIII told Fixed Noise Sunday that it was needed. What will Obama do about it? War Crimes? Geneva Convention violations? Impeachment should have happened if the Democrats took over in 2005. Prof. Jonathon Turley joins us now to find out what is legal and what wasn't. Gestapo much?

Bushed!: 3 - "Daddy, what did you do during the bailout while in jail?" The rest of the $350 billion with strings attached to be released. 2 - W. As In Whitewash and Cheney speaks. Herr Goebles advocated war in Iraq and was schooled by an AP interviewer. She said "I wasn't responsable for it." 1 - Repainting the history of the Smithonian as 9/11 gets debunked. And the portrait in a "led to" to be deleted. We need to graffiti this portrait, and be literate.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - Brit Hume again interviewing Bush XLI and Adolph XLIII and was retracted for criticizing Clinton.
Silver - Billo defends Tiny Fey's Evil Twin again on the class on Kennedy... Take his life, please!
Gold - Joe the Plumber covers the war in the Mideast, and thinks journalists shouldn't cover wars. Listen, Sparky, we've been responsible (save Geraldo) misleading the bad guys and you're in the media, calling for self-mutilation.

Number 1: Keith gets interviewed by no less than The New York Times, but I'll spare you the details at this lovefest.

See you tomorrow. Oh, did I mention American Idol starts tomorrow (1/13)? First review on Friday (1/16) with AI diva Maria Merlito, former announcer on Make the Grade. And no, she's way beyond Princess of AI, kids.

Plans for Inauguration Day...

Here's the official plans for Keith on January 20th, accoridng to TVNewser.com: (NOTE: All times US EST)

• Anchoring live coverage from 10 AM until 4 PM;
• Countdown at 8 PM;
• Coverage of the Inaugural Balls from 10 PM to midnight.

I'll have some of the afternoon coverage, Countdown and the Inaugural Balls livebloged for you that day, so make plans to join me at about 2 PM. In addition, coverage wll be seen in movie theatres around the country, check MSNBCEvents.com for more. If you thought the forthcoming Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D event was gonna be fun, wait until you see Keith and Tweety on a three-story tall movie screen.

Countdown Live Blog: 1/9/09

Only 11 days until Inauguration Day, 2,071 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 23 days until Super Bowl XLIII, 36 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training, and a modest 86 days until the first pitch of the 2009 Major League Baseball season starts at 8:10 PM US EDT in Philadelphia.

The Tie: tan, brown and cream stripes.

Number 5: On the one hand, Obama will not torture, and on the other, a counterterrorism expert who wants torture like stuff. President-Elect says there will be no torture and abide by the Geneva Conventions. Meanwhile, as unemployment at an high since September of 1993, Obama is pushing for the stimulus plan pushed forward. Paul Krugman has better ideas, and Obama may apply them. Craig Crawford deciphers the intel for us.

Will Obama look for war crimes on Adolph XLIII to appoint someone to look at this? In a FAQ section at the Obama Transition webpages (change.gov,) Veep-elect Biden says that it's up to the Justice Department, and we're welcoming John Dean to give us his intake.

Number 4: Blagogate. Impeached Governor of Illinois by a vote of 114-1, and the trial will start soon, and Blago does a song, does a dance, everything but the seltzer down the pants. Blago won't resign and in a ten-minute Dennis Miller rant without the f-bombs the former comic and blasts the House and Senate to fight for families, perscription drugs from Canada, preventive female healt care, and a teenager who had a liver transplant. Are they impeachable offenses? And not one comment about selling Obama's senate seat, and another poetry slam with "Anyone for Lord Alfred Tennyson?" On Burrisgate, the new senator will wait until Jesse White will sign a seperate paper...wasn't he the original Maytag Repairman?

Oddball: Anne Nixon Cooper was born 107 years ago today. bless you. Deadspin.com has this contest. Buzz Bizinger takes on a baby Mangino. (UPDATE: Baby Mangino won.) In Germany, the weather is calling for party cloudy with a chance of kitty litter. And there's battery power on bikes in Beijing, and just like the Times Square New Years Eve 2009 sign!

Bushed!: 3 - "Daddy, where why were you in jail when the bailout happened?" Where did all the money go? 2 - Straight out of 1984 has been a new Neo-Con-Job. Iraq has never been worse. 1 - Torture drinks coffee and before passing out and is on a plane moving him from country to country...and tried and given bad eveidence and is jailed indefinately. Emanuel Seltzer kidnapped from London and in a KGB jail in Belarus. For diabetic medicines, and other ailments that they call illegal. Inspired by Adolph XLIII!

Number 3: The George W. Bush Library will have a debate center, and then in his last policy speech (in Philadelphia, no less) the White House of Adolph XLIII in W. Is For Whitewash, he pulls his Jerry Coleman/Ralph Kiner act reading off a note. Three thousand dropouts, lower test scores, and "No Child Left Behind" liberating Iraq, Iran and idiots...and Obama and those in Afganistan. Like The Gaza Strip, and Lebanon for Hezbalah, and liberating Madoff and others, and 2.5 million Americans from their jobs, the Dow down 20%, and mortages down 18%! January 20, 2009 at 12 noon US EST can't come soon enough.

Number 2 (Worst Person In The World)

Bronze - The Two students not to be late for school, steal a car.

Silver - Fredo is looking for private sector. And he wants to be Commissioner of Major League Baseball. Noooooooo!

Gold - Glenn Beck makes noise on Fixed Noise. Communist self-hate thing saying Democrats are commies. Check your sanity in at the door.

Number 1: When you are being interviewed by a right wing filmmaker, especially when the website for this film he's doing reads HowObamaGotElected.com, right there on the screen at said website and you're Elizabeth Santamatina Fey's Evil Twin Sister...then you're spinning the media frenzy in your direction and blaming others. And did she really call Keith "EVIL" after seeing his picture? Oh, you betcha! Paul F. Tompkins joins us to LOL at this.

Well, that's all for this week. See you sometime this weekend...or Monday.

Countdown Live Blog: 1/8/09

Twelve days until Barack Obama's inauguration, two thousand and seventy days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, twenty four days until Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa, pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training in thirty seven days, and the 2009 Major League Baseball season starts in only eighty seven days at Philadelphia's Citizens Bank Park.

The Tie: The Color Purple.

Number 5: Barack Obama has a plan to bail out our country before taking office saying if nothing is done, unemployment could reach the dreaded twin digits without his stimulation package. "We need to act swiftly before more damage is done." Speaker Pelosi says that it is time for a change, and will be in Obama's hands by... February 14th, Valentines Day. The price? $800 billion for roads, alt energy and tax cuts rubber stamping Adolph XLIII's policies. Howard Fineman joins us for a briefer about how this happens to be good old David Stockman "Dick Trickle down" policies. In the words of political satirist Mark Russell "What's underneath the [Trojan] horse is what you're giving us!"

Meanwhile, was there pay-ola on Roland Burris on Blago? Testifying in front of the state Impeachment panel he said that there wasn't any contact at all with Blago, and Sen. Harry Reid will look further into this. Chris Cilizza from The Washington Post answers your questions...and asks some more.

Number 4: Sanjay Gupta gets that from both sides they're against him being your Surgeon General. Fact checking Michael Moore's Sicko and admitted to making errors. And Chris Hayes is back from The Nation to explain this...and the continued Universal Health Care carryover for Hilary Clinton's behalf.

Oddball: In 1935, Elvis Aron presley was born. So was Soupy Sales. And GuGu the Giant Panda bit another human this week in Beijing. NoNo, GuGu. And we saw eighteen dalmation puppies.

Best Persons: 3 - Harold Webb in Toledo was being hailed for stolen stuff. A getway cab. 2 - The new Obama (White Sox fan) Chief Production Officer, Nancy Killafer, is the granddaughter of Reindeer Bill Killafer who was with Da Cubs. 1 - Ricado Jaral wants you to swallow your gum in Mexico City.

Musical Segue: Chewing gum...

Number 3: And Caroline Kennedy's "you knows" are costing her points, but Tina Fey's Evil Twin Sister says media double standards are treating Sarah Palin differently than Sweet Caroline (Bom, bom, bom!) as a different class and the public now says Andrew Cuomo is ahead in polls. Margaret Carlson tells all about this mess. Sorry, boys and girls, no Bushed! tonight, and you may as well start getting used to that after January 20th, 2009.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)

Bronze - Brit Hume rewrites history, saying The New Deal flopped.

Silver - Michelle Malkin says that there was shenanigans in Minnesota's canvassing board, especially the Republicans. Un-hmmm. I'm ashamed to say she's originally from Philadelphia.

Gold - For the first time, Billo The Clown claims the top prize with a scare the wits out of your kids with a terror alert and made stuff up from the Army Field Manual.

Number 1: Lemme see if I have this right. Miss Wasalia 1984 is now officially off her rocker and plunging into Gretchen Carlson country...deranged former beauty queen who has become a right-wing water carrier. Attacks Katie Couric, her good twin sister and screamed when she saw a picture of Keith Olbermann saying that "he's EVIL!" I'm predicting Elizabeth Santamatina Fey comes back to SNL this week and does Evil Sarah... *dramatic chipmunk sting* ...shrieking at Ben Affleck as Keith Olbermann. As my friend Stella from Saturday Night Dead (a cheesy 1980's local TV show here in Philly) would say "Oh, tha howwah!!!"

So with that, we will call it a night, and I'll be over at Awful Announcing's BCS Title Game live blog...counting band shots and taking shots! If I'm sober enough, I'll see you tomorrow.

Countdown Live Blog: 1/7/09

We have 13 days until Inauguration Day, 2,069 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 25 days until Super Bowl XLIII, 38 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training and 88 days until the baseball season begins in the City of Siblingly Love.

The Tie: Cream, navy and red stripes.

Number 5: Well, it's been a day and a half of Circus Burris of the amicabal resolution, and the Illinois Secratary of State, Jesse White didn't sign the official letter, and Obama wants this straightened out and straightened out now. Burris also has Jimmy Carter in his back pocket, who was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue admiring the rug in the Oval Office. Clarence Page from The Chicago Tribune joins us to tell us it's like a cat walking backwards - spayed and neutured - in a mess. Blago should give up the ghost as his impeachment nears.

Meanwhile, Sen. Harry Reid promises to stand up to Obama. Chris Hayes of The Nation visits us to explain that Reid won't work for Obama, but with Obama. Meanwhile, Chris Matthews has announced he will not be running for Arlen "Magic BS Therory" Spector's Pennsylvania Senate seat. All I can say is "HAH!" Keith also says that he and Tweety will emcee MSNBC's Inauguartion Day coverage along with a million others.

Number 4: Obama met with Bush XLI, Clinton, Adolph XLIII and Carter, this after announcing a new overseer of the federal business, and what were they talking about? The Oval Office rug. Which was a Your Tax Dollars At Work $61K ivory rug that Eva Braun Laura selected and he hasn't stopped talked about it. All I can say is "Shut The F*** Up, Adolph! SEIG HEIL!!!" Richard Wolffe sweeps us under the rug on why he was so optimistic. And if you believe that, I have some swampland called The Everglades and a Bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

Oddball: On this day in 1903, Alan Napier, best known as bruce Wayne's butler on the TV version of Batman was born. A deer broke into the Frontier Bank in Iowa, and didn't get a lot of doe Sunday before the cops arrived. Looking for the bucks. Bad puns about money and deer. And remember yesterday's pics about the naked ski guy? The photog was suspended...more about this one later in Worsts.

Best Persons: 3 - Outside of Richmond, Virginia, a kid drove his mom's car to school. All seven years old that child. 2 - Richard Hayes shot his adopted cousin Michael Bass. Both are now in the cooler for different reasons. 1 - Joe the Mule saw smoke out of the house and became a animal smoke detector. Talk about smoke out of the ass...

Musical Segue: The Ohio Players Fire. A long story from my school days and Veterans Stadium/Spectrum/Palestra visits, but personally, fuck you, Frank Centola and his brother and cousins, where ever you are.

Number 3: Leon Panetta becomes a bug in the ass to CIA, no pun intended on the bug part. So what's new? One person says that Panetta is a political loyalist who wouldn't know shinola from good intel. Say hello to Tyler Drumheller who was a former CIA insider to tell you why.

Bushed!: 3 - Simon and Schuster announced the rights to the memoirs of Eva Braun Laura Bush for $1.6 million. Fiction section, please. 2 - Remember privitazing Social Security? The biggest do-over, when asked by Cal Thomas? Push immigration reform. 1 - More Medal of Freedom recieverships coming to everyone who has kissed your ass and put us in this unwarranted war, Adolph. See Catch-22 the 1970 film or Woody Allen for more information.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)

Bronze - Billo is off to a bad start, and says Obama's Peretta nomination is not going to be terrorist material. Read credentials, much?

Silver - Former sports reporter Brian Killemede at Fixed and Fiends wants Vasoline and two fingers in the rearend of that naked ski lift dangler.

Gold - Congressman Cliff Sterns imploded at the Democrats coastal recess...and now he wants to reschedule Congress votes for the BCS National Championship Game. Watch all the damn band shots count along (and do a shot evry time it happens at Awful Announcing's live blog) which will reach record posting numbers manana (1/8).

Number 1: The porn industry wants a $5 billion bailout, and Michael Musto joins us.

Good night, everyone, with that one sentence I'm outta here, mostly because Becky at ERT knew better!

Countdown Live Blog: 1/6/09

There are 14 days until Barack Obama's Inauguration, 2,068 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, 26 days until Super Bowl XLIII, 39 days until pitchers and catchers are to report for Spring Traning and 89 days until Opening Night at Citizens Bank "Chan Ho" Park.

The Tie: Crimson with small white dots.

Number 5: The Harry Panetta pick to the CIA was a "mistake" leak doing an end run on Senators Diane Feinstein and Jay Rockefeller with the toothpaste out of the tube. And Feinstein said that someone with experience is neeed to run the CIA, but later she retracted the comments, and President Elect Obama says that might be him on the phone now. Howard Fineman joins us to explain all of it, saying that someone outside the Obama team placed the leak. Feinstein will introduce a bill banning waterboarding and closing Gitmo, two legacies of the Adolph XLIII Reign of Error.

Why Leon Panetta? Hey look, everybody, it's Rachael Maddow, getting ready for her own show in about fifty minutes as well! Why is she here (not to promote the show) you ask? Feinstein is becoming a Demopublican voting on everything Bush XLIII had Mistaken For Freedom, shredding the Bill of Rights in the process.

Number 4: And so the 111^th session of the United States Congress opened today and the new junior senator from the Land of Lincoln was not seated, nor was the man of the 2010s decade, he...Al Franken. In other news, the sun rose in the east this morning. And Monumental Earth Shattering Breaking News ("Oh, do tell me, tell me tell me!" Keep your diapers on Stewie...) Feinstein misread the rules. Roland Burris didn't have permission or ceredntials because his letter didn't conform to the Illinois Secratary of State's sig. Whoops! Harry Reid will meet with him tomorrow. And Norm Coleman sues the state of Minnesota for the right to get that seat back from Franken because the Republican governor won't officially sign off on the recount. INDECISION '09! Jonathon Alter joins us to straighten up the messes.

Oddball: In 1412, Joan of Arc was born. And we have a Moon Over Vail. A guy hanging upside down and pantless on the chair lift suspended from the ski lift. At the auto spa in Portland, Oregon, a thief was trying to rob the place, but an attendant made him soapy H₂O armed, dangerous and clean.

Best Persons: 3 - Antonio Vazaquez Alba says that the USA will pull out of Iraq...and invade Mexico. 2 - Tangerika Woods gives birth to twins a year apart. 1 - Coultergeist portrays NBC caught as a liar wanting to promote on NBC and creates a story of being banned for life. You write the joke. I smell a Special Comment. No musical segue because of you.

Number 3: Obama's choice to be your next Surgon General...CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta? What's next, Judge Wapner as Chief Justice of SCOTUS? Say hello to Ezra Klein to tell you what he thinks. And there's been a C. Everitt Koop sightining selling LA Medic Alert according to Robin Williams. "I've fallen and I can't get the f*** up!"

Bushed!: 3 - The last minute pillaging of the enviroment is now falling apart. 2 - Fred Barnes asked Adolph what was the biggest national policy change, and it was to reform Social Security, taking it private. What happens if that happened? Financial disaster. 1 - Military Farewell in Ft. Myers were all lies, lies, lies... Comedic news though, next time you get a chance to duck from a shoe, throw it back, or do what Herr Goebles Cheney would do, make it an excuse to invade Iran.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)

Bronze - Tom McCluskey of the FRC on the nomination was one of the lawyers to end feeding Terri Schiavo becoming number three at justice.

Silver - Comic Rush Limbaugh says Franken stole the race in Minnesota, blaming The Murdoch Street Journal.

Gold - Tina Fey's Evil Twin Sister's future son-in-law didn't have the required high school diploma to run the electrical stuff at an oil field in Alaska. Blame it on the future mother-in-law. The Velveeta that keeps feeding political scandal in The Last Frontier.

Number 1: The Last Insult... It seems that Blair House, the house across the street from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue which serves as the interim residency for incoming Presidents was available. Margaret Carlson from Bloomberg who broke the news, is here to tell all of you why the clan of Obama was forced to a hotel. Hmmmm, racism much, Herr Adolph?

That's it for tonight, see you tomorrow.

Countdown "Plausably Live" Blog: 1/5/09

Guess I have some 'splainin' to do. I missed the live show tonight because I was zonked out of my mind after doing some running around, so taking a cue from NBC's Olympic coverage I'll do the delayed tape 1 AM Countdown reairing.

Now, there's fifteen days until Barack Obama's inauguration, 2,067 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq (add fifteen to that when it ends), 27 days until Super Bowl XLIII, 40 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training, and 90 days until Opening Night in Philadelphia for the 2008 World [BLEEPING!] Champion Philadelphia Phillies.

The Tie: Pink.

Number 5: And the winner of the Minnesota Senate race is...former legitamite comic Al Franken, and Illinois new junior senator is Blago's apointee Roland Burris. Franken beat Norm Coleman by 225 votes after the state's Supreme Court said no to rejected absentee votes. As we all know, Al Franken's good enough, Al Franken's smart enough and doggone it, people like Al Franken. Let's make the 2010's the decade of he...Al Franken. Meanwhile, Burris will fight to get a seat on the floor and Harry Reid and the rest of the Democrats will not allow it. Chris Cillizza joins us to straighten out the mess.

Meantime, Harry Panetta will be CIA director, but regular Countdown guest Bill Richardson, the New Mexico guv, will not be your Secratary of Commerce, mostly because of a minor scandal, so E.J. Dionne fills us in on this subject. Richardson, of Hispanic desent, had backed out.

Number 4: Mr. Obama comes to Washington, and he is stimulating $300 billion cut after meeting with all of the Congress, but the Republicans are calling it a Republican stimulus worth $775 billion, plus a $500 personal rebate per person, and yes, IT IS THE ECONOMY, STUPID! Paging Richard Wolffe, or was it Fred Arminsen as Richard Wolffe? The most powerful GOP man in Washington (which is like being head coach of the 0-16 Detroit Lions) needs to be like the Tennessee Titans offense and block and tackle just by testing Obama by stopping the American economy from recovering.

Oddball: In 1969, Brian Warner was born performing as Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson is 40! Don't invite Kathy Griffin to ever cover New Years Eve at Times Square on CNN with Anderson Cooper again after dropping an D-bomb to a heckler before Dick Clark drops his biggest ball. Come to think of it, don't ever ask Kathy Griffin to do that again anywhere... And we had a demostartion of a Tesla coil on an Aussie prof. Jackie Coogan did that on The Addams Family.

Best Persons: 3 - Jay Richardson, The Big Bopper's son, is now selling the older casket dad was buried in. Hellllllloooooooooo, baaaaaaby! 2 - The late Donald Peters won $10 million in Powerball. We say "the late" because he died last month at the age of 79. 1 - For those who invested with Bernie Madoff, we salute you, especially with the upraided third finger on both hands (The Stone Cold Steve Austin salute if you will).

Musical Segue: Steve Miller Band's "Take The Money and Run", a/k/a a tribute to J.D. Drew and his scumbag agent, Scott Bored-Ass.

Number 3: President Adolph XLIII's last gift to Obama: A war in the Gaza Strip. Just what he needs, Hamas and Israelis going at it with rockets, and the Lame Duck blocked a United Nations cease fire attempt unless it wants what it wants. Sadly, more than 500 people have been killed, all on Adolph XLIII's watch. Hillary Mann Leverett, former National Security Council Persian Gulf boss, joins us for an inside look at this.

Bushed!: 3 - Your tax dollars at work: incoming Interior secratary Ken Salazar gets a $235K bathroom. From his successor. 2 - Restore the Senate treaty power from two of Bush's Flunkies. Bombing 4000 people, ruining the ecological balance of our country and getting hyporocisy up their ass. 1 - Herr Goebels Cheney blames the financial markets and if we're better off now than eight years ago, he pulls the 9/11 card. Strong Bad gives you an F minus minus to you, Dickhead.

Number 2: Worst Person in the World, The Inaugural Class of Y2K+9

Bronze - Bill Cunningham calls those who are poor destitute and unknowing. Just like Bill Cunningham, who was a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker according to 700WLW.com, more or less...

Silver - Oh those crazy Alaskan State Troopers trying to serve warrants to arrest Tina Fey's Evil Twin Sister's Daughter's future mother-in-law...because of the elections.

Gold - Remember when WorldNetDaily.com agreed on the whole Obama birth certificate thing? Joe Ferra, the guy who runs WorldNetDaily.com, was caught lying with everything down. And then some. Far right wing lunacy gone wild!

Number 1: Obama's daughters had their first day of school in Washington. Sasha with a pink, magenta and gray backpack, backpack and Milia were treated well with Mommy in tow, and we get perspective from NBC News' Presidential historian Michael Beschloss.

That's it for tonight last night, see you in a few hours. BTW, this was my fiftieth post for this blog. Congratulate me!

In Case You Missed Dan and Keith's Exciting Promo for Monsters vs. Aliens...

Here it is in all it's glory!

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/4241074/11389671

What a bunch of sexy moaning beasts!

Three Guesses Who's Going To Be Worst Person In the World...

Based on one paragraph in her new "book" Guilty...

Page 15... and calling MSNBC a fraud with Mr. Olbermann. HOW DARE YOU, COULTERGEIST, HOW DARE YOU!

Happy New Year, broken jaw.

UPDATE: She was bumped Tuesday (1/6) amid the First Day of Congress and the Mideast War...and Perez Hilton. Sister, you were bumped for PEREZ FREAKIN' HILTON!

The Diet Soda Sarah Palin Bridge To Nowhere Between Games Show Live Blog

So Arizona did their job and eliminated the Atlanta Falcons from the postseason party in a 30-24 win, and now we await Indianapolis at San Diego with LT and his groin...his own, of course.

Now back to 8G with everyone and Steven Spock, Trekkies. Maybe Millen's got a job in the TV biz...oh, wait, he did for a while. Not to dump on this, but taking the Lying Downs job was the worst thing he ever did. We'll leave the legs detail to Keith's imagination...if anything.

Well if Matt Ryan isn't the Rookie of the Year, then the fans are idiots...unless Joe Flacco makes the most improvable run to the AFC Title Game ever. Meanwhile, Keith and Dan run through the Plays of the Year. And with Super Bowl XLIII Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D...HOLD ON TO YOUR LIZARDS AND 3-D GLASSES. Can you imagine Countdown in 3-D? And remember the last time NBC did something in 3-D during the Super Bowl? Do the magic words Elbert "Ickey" Woods ring a bell? And that was 20 years ago.

Meantime, it was announced that NBC will have a six-hour pregame for Super Sunday in America, preceeded by a three-hour special edition of Today live from Tampa with Matt, Meredith, Ann and Al...get the buffets away from Roker! So that means Keith will have lots of time for material February 1. Uncle Keith will not appear in the recess, so this means I'll be back on Monday (1/5) for the first Live Blog of Countdown for 2009.

Football Night in America Wild Card Saturday Edition 1/3/09

I hope you survived the arrival of the new year as Dick Clark dropped his bigger ball on Times Square. So let's see who's where today for the special Football Night in America Wild Card Saturday Edition. Bob, Keith, Dan, Pete and Bus are all in Studio 8G, and there's been a Matt Millen sighting! Meanwhile, Cris and Tiki are working the Atlanta-Arizona game that starts at 4:30 PM US EST.

Two cities, five stadia and sixty-one years ago, the Cardinals hosted the Philadelphia Eagles in the 1947 NFL Championship Game. Yes, there was a Championship Game before the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, LT has been listed as questionable for the late game as the Chargers take on the Colts with a detatched tendon near his groin. His own we hope. Keith tells the story of the most bizzaro season in Charger history. Start the season 4-8, then win four in a row.

Chris Crocker called. She said "LEAVE THE $5 FOOTLONG ALONE!"

Meanwhile, Matt Millen says he was responsable for the mess in Detroit where the Lying Downs were 0-16. Betcha Jim Rome is Burninating loves this. No stability, changed coaches. Mike Shanahan, Paging Mike Shanahan! And he still defends the cesspool in Motown.

As for the picks, Keith, Dan, and Matt like the Falcons, Bus dissents and goes with the Cardinals. Thus far as they take a break to rest, Bus is wrong by three. And Keith is likely taking a bathroom break at the intermission here.

And I think my rant was heard over at the local NBC station about consecutive car ads. We had 15-second Men's Warehouse ads bookened by a car ad, a lottery ad and another car ad. See you for the Diet Soda Sarah Palin Bridge To Nowhere Between Games Show... Or somethin' like that.

The New Times Square Ball

Tomorrow night, Bill and Hillary will join Mayor Michael Bloomberg at Times Square to launch the maiden voyage of the new Times Square ball, which officially becomes a permament fixture atop One Times Square this year. The ball is twice as big, twice as bright and twice as spectacular!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!

The Countdown Live Blog returns on January 5, 2009. See you Saturday (1/3/09) for the "Readers Digest Condensed Edition" of Football Night in America and the between games fun as well.

"Hope you got another $7 million to do that, Ben."

It was 2008, the year Saturday Night Live got Ben Affleck to play Keith.


http://www.hulu.com/watch/42024/saturday-night-live-countdown-with-keith-olbermann

Enjoy that video goodness.

HOW DARE YOU...SIR!

Broncos-Chargers Sunday Night Football Live Blog: Second Half

It's Bolts 24, Broncs 6 as we start the second half of this winner-takes-all and meets the Colts next Saturday gets underway. And I'm hissed off at my local NBC station for running SEVEN FUCKING STRAIGHT FUCKING CAR COMMERCIALS IN A ROW! WHOM EVER SCHEDULES FUCKING CRAP LIKE THAT OUGHT TO BE PUNISHED BY BEING TIED TO THEIR MOTHERFUCKING CHAIR AND WATCHING AN ENDLESS LOOP OF MOTHERFUCKING BONFIRE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING VANITIES FOR MOTHERFUCKING TWENTY FOUR MOTHRFUCKING HOURS!!!!!

Excuse my French, but I really hate when that happens.

Now that I'm off my soapbox, Nate Keating kicks off to C. Jackson and returns it to the Broncos 27. Bell catches a short pass from Cutler for eleven yards and a first down at their 38. The next play finds Royal gaining three, followed by a threaded Schleffler pass to the Chargers 42. And another first down finds Royal gaining five on a Cutler bullet. That's followed by Bell ringing up a 37-yard touchdown run. Trator kicks the PAT, and now it's Chargers 24, Broncos 13. That missed PAT could come back to haunt Shanny.

Sproles returns the Broncos kickoff to the Bolts' 31, and Rivers slides for four yards on the first down, then LT races down to the Broncos' 21, a 45-yarder. Malamaleuna gets five yards on a Rivers pass on 1st and 10, and Sproles gains two making it third and three. And Sproles is rewarded with a 12-yard touchdown pass from Rivers, and Kaeting kicks the PAT making it 31-13 Bolts.

C. Jackson returns the kickoff to the Broncos 18, and loses the ball, but Denver recovers. On first down, Cutler is picked by Luis Castillo thanks to Sean Phillips' mitts deflecting it, and the Bolts are in *Mr. Burns impression* EXCELLENT field position. No sooner said than that, LT takes the rock 14 yards to the house, and Kaeting makes it 38-13 for San Diego. Carl Lewis just called and said "Uh-oh!"

Meanwhile, Signal To Noise is getting angry and yelling "FIRE MIKE SHANNAHAN NOW!" C. Jackson holds onto the ball, and returns the kickoff to the Denver 30. Cutler is deflected by Eric Reynolds on 1st and 10, then Royal gets eight yards on second down, bringing up 3rd and 2. Marshall gets the first down on a laser fom Cutler at the Denver 47. Marshall gets another catch, putting the pea at the Chargers 42, and then Scheffler catches another Cutler toss at the Bolts' 30. Bell gets nothing on 1st and 10, then it's Cutler scrambling for six. Cutler crosses then nobody can catch, and now it's 4th an 4, and Denver must go for it. And Stokley gets the first down at the Bolts 17, and then after a three-yard loss, Stokley recovers them plus five. Third and five sees Bell overthrown, and the Broncs will go for it again. And Cutler passes it and Stokley drops it! Lightning Bolts take over on downs at their 12.

LT gets a yard on first down, then Sproles gets five yards. On third and five, number 11 gets seven and a first thanks to Rivers. Folowing a drop on first down, Sproles gains three to bring up 3rd and 7, where Sproles falls short, but the Chargers do what they were supposed to do, and milk clock. Mike Sybers punts to the Broncos' 25. SSReporters wants the Seahawks to sign Sproles.

Denver needs to have the biggest miracle in the history of all of football and marshall gains a dozen for the first down after Cutler passes to him, then Royal gets the ball to midfield and the clock runs out. Chargers 38-13 with one quarter left.

I look to the sky and ask myself "WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER THREE COCKSUCKING CAR ADS IN A ROW ON MY NBC STATION!?" Meanwhile, fifteen minutes are left on the Broncos season, and it's not looking good for Denver and Cutler shorthops Royal, and on 2nd and 10, D. Jackson catches a 13-yard pass on his arrears. Marshall gets nine on Cutler's next pass, then Bell's shovel pass reception gains the first down. Cutler finds Schleffler for his third touchdown against the Chrgers this year. They'll go for two, and Cutler does it himself, and now it's a 17-point lead for the San Diegans, 38-21.

Broncos go deep on the kickoff, and Sproles takes the pill to the Chargers' 38. Is there a priest to deliver last rites to Denver's chances? LT has a possible groin injury. His own, we hope, and Sproles jams it up the middle for three on first and ten. Rivers then takes the ball on his own to their 40, and that's bringing up a crucial third and four. Chris Chambers proves Time Has Come Today, and gets the first down on the Broncos 42. Sproles keeps the ball on the ground for three yard and brings up 2nd and 7, where Sproles takes the magic bean and totes it 37 yards to the Denver 2. And Sproles takes the last two yards himself and closes the door for all intents and purposes for the first Chrger rushing touchdown not by LT, and Nate Kaeting makes it 45-21, and boy, are they frustrated in Denver.

Kaeting kicks to C. Jackson and it's returned to the Denver 22. Momma's Boys, proof that NBC is desperate for any show, even one produced by Ryan Seacresty (He's tiny! He knows where the pot of gold is at!) Cutler finds Royal for eleven yards and a first down, but they're in a hurry, so Marshall is the intended pass catcher, but there's a flag for pass interference ovrshdowing an illagal contact and the Broncos have the ball at the Chargers 35, and Cutler's pass to Stokely is incomplete on first down, so it brings up second down, where Cutler finds Royal for five, and then Cuter misfires to Scheffler, so another must go for it 4th and 5, where Cutler overthrows Marshall, rest in pieces. Lightning Bolts takeover at their 30 to milk more clock.

Sproles gets another ten yards on first down, and another nine yards for Sproles, and it's an abdominal strain for LT, ending his night. Plenty of euphomisisms. Hester carries the ball into Broncos property at the Denver 38, and the countdown is on. Hester carries the ball again for two yards, and then again for two more. And Sproles is back for another 14 yard run, and another Charger first down. Old fashioned smash-mouth football. Hester gets 18 yards on the next first down, and LT's loving it. Hester carries the ball to the seven of Denver, and Hester slip up as we head to the two minute time out. And Madden tells us you got to have a package. Hmmmm, double entendre much?

On October 13, 1963, the Chargers had 283 rushing yards, and Hester just helped break the mark with a four-yard run. And Hester just took the ball for four yards and ends it mercifully for Broncos fans. With Kaeting's PAT, it's 52-21 and Norv gets his Norv face after getting drenched.

Kaeting kickoff is returned to the Broncos 33, and Cutler finds Royal for nine, then again for eight, but it's too late... then eleven an a first down for Royal, and then Royal for anothetr nine, and that's it.

FINAL SCORE: SAN DIEGO 52, DENVER 21. CHARGERS WIN AFC WEST!

Thanks for following this live blog, and let's do it again sometime soon.

Broncos-Chargers Sunday Night Football Live Blog: First Half

We've had some problems with the Keiths Sports Journal site, so here we go.

Chargers won toss, and Darren Sproles takes the Broncos' kickoff to the Bolts 30. On 1st and 10, Lt reverses to Vincent Jackson for 17 yards and a first down. LT gets 12 on the first down, but the Chargers were caught wth their hands on the other guy's jersey, so now it's 1st and 20, and Champ Bailey is seriously hurt. Chris Chambers' tried to hang on to Philip Rivers' pass, but it's imcomplete. Rivers throws into double coverage to Jackson, but pass interference on Nate Webster, Broncos MLB places the ball on the Broncs' 11.

Alfalfa: "The crowd is obviously going to love this because it's defensive pass interference." JFein: "It would have been funny if it was offensive pass interference."

LT loses two on 1st and 10. Looks like Bailey hurt his groin. Rivers sacked by Ebeneezer Ekiban on 2nd and 12. On 3rd and 17, Rivers finds Anotonio Gates but are well short of the first down. Nate Kaeding kicks the 28-yard field goal, and with 11:41 left in the first, Bolts 3, Broncs 0.

Now we hear Champ Bailey is questionable with a elbow injury. Chance Jackson returns the kick to th Denver 27, and Jay Cutler passes to Eddie Royal, and say hi to Shaun Phillips, losing four. Cutler passes to Tony Schleffler for 13 yards, and Cutler's third straight pass is IN-COM-PLETE! On 2nd and 10, Daniel Graham is short of midfield and the first down marker, and then on third down and a foot, Tatum Bell gets three and the first down in Chargers real estate. Cutler thanks to Igor Olshansky loses two as he is sacked, and on 2nd and 12, Brandon Stokley gains fifteen and the first down. At the Bolts 35, Bell gets nine yards for the former cell phone kiosk manager while Brandon Marshall dropped a 2nd and 1 pass. And Bell rings up a 26-yard touchdown run on the Bolts, his first since last season on Opening Day...with the Lions. After a false start penalty, the PAT was shanked, and it's 6-3 Denver.

Sproles returns the kickoff to the Chargers' 27. And good news, Champ Bailey's back, and LT's stopped on 1st and 10. The X-rays were negative on Bailey's left elbow. Jackson turns what was a five-yard gain into a 1st and 10 at the San Diego 37. Then V. Jackson - FULL EXTENTION! - gains 37 on a great throw by Rivers, and LT gains zip after that. Tomlinson gains nine after that, and on 3rd and 1, Rivers tries a quarterback sneak, and a late flag comes in. D.J. Williams gets penalized for a late hit, and it's half the distance to the goal, and on the Denver 7, LT works his way down to the Broncos 2. LT gets the last two yards and the touchdown, and the Broncos protesteth too much...but the replay shows the ball crossing the plane. Kaeting makes it 10-6 SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS...SAN DIEGO--CHARGERS!

C. Jackson returns the kick to the Denver 25. Graham ges a first down after a ten yard pass from Cutler, and the next pass goes through Eddie Royal's hands. We saw a guy dressed as a ref telling Ed Hercules that almost everything is forgiven. Jamal Williams hold Bell to one yard on 2nd and 10, and then Cutler to Tony Schelffler is short on 3rd and 9. Sproles return the punt to the Bolts' 28, where Rivers gets Gates inside the Broncos 37, and that's the first quarter, folks, with Denver trailing San Diego, 10-6.

And the second stanza starts with LT gaining 12 to the Broncos 26. And another two gained after that, then the Bolts call time out. Rivers overthrows #11 on 2nd and 8. On 3rd and 8, Gates gets on the unofficial yellow line for television purposes, and we measure and...missed it by the snap of the chain, bringing up fourth and a snap. Bolts will go for it, and Rivers pushes across for three yards and the first down. Jacob Hester gets a two yard pass on 1st and 10, then Malumalueula catches the 12-yard touchdown pass from Rivers. Kaeting kicks the PAT, and the Chargers lead 17-6 with eleven and a half 'till recess.

Meanwile, in the Independence Bowl, Louisiana Tech leads Northern Illinois, 14-7. This bowl will lose certification in 2009, mark my word. The San Jose Silicon Valley Classic syndrome. SEC, Big 12 send teams to BCS, and they get WAC (they should have invited Boise State and Ball State instead of a hometown team like LA Tech.) Like you really give a flying Wallenda. C. Jackson takes the kickoff to the Broncos 26, where on 1st and 10, Cutler passes to Stokely for ten yards, but the Chargers were jamming on the face so it's 1st and 10 at the 31, and Royal lets another Cutler pass through his hands. Second and 10, Royal catches a pass for nine, but Denver gets hit with a 15-yard chop block flag on Bell, making it 2nd and 25. Avoiding the sack, Cutler throws te ball away, and a hold on Cooper is declined, making it 3rd and 25. Bell catches a screen, and Denver has to kick the ball away to San Diego. Brett Kerns kicks to Sproles and he returns it to San Diego's 42.

Tomlinson starts this possession with a meager one yard gain. Rivers finds Chambers at the Broncos 43 for the first down, followed by LT gaining one. hester gets another first down at the Denver 26 on the Rivers pass. Sproles takes over on first for LT and gains five, then another one, but a holding call against Kris Dehlman becomes 2nd and 15. And a false start makes it 2nd and 20, and Jeremy Clarey was found guilty. Rivers and Chambers get eighteen of those yards back, making it third and a deuce. Jackson takes LT's reverse with Rivers blocking seting up 1st and goal at the Denver 5. LT gets a yard and dives into the paint for six with a four yard spinarama on second down. Kaeting increases the lead to 18 at the 3:32 mark, 24-6 Bolts. Dance all night!

Gonna be a busy week for paint in The Q. The Holiday Bowl (and the fugly Oregon unis) Tuesday night against Oklahoma State ("I'm a man! Go after me!") followed by the possible Chargers home game against the Colts. C. Jackson returns Kaeting's kickoff to the visitors 30, and Bell gains seven. Second and three finds a Bell getting a shovel pass to midfield from Cutler and a first down, with Bell getting two and the two-minute warning.

On 2nd and 7, Cutler finds Brandon Marshall, Marshall, Marshall for the first with no huddle, then Stokley is rifled by Cutler to the Bolts' 14, then after a Broncos time out, Cutler tries to find Scheffler and it will go to the booth and the peep show. Do refs when they go under the hood deposit quarters? And upon further review, the play stands as an imcomplete pass. Second and ten finds Cutler passing and Paul Oliver stems the tide with a pickoff in the end zone.

Sproles on 1st and ten gains six, and San Diego will let the clock roll with 2nd and 4 Rivers dumping the ball bringing up 3rd and 10. Norv channeling his inner Reid. And Sproles gains nine as the Bolts call timeout. First and ten finds a false start on Dehil moving them back five yards, so Rivers throws the pass on 1st and 15 to Tijauana. And Sproles runs for seven to end the half. Chargers 24, Broncos 6 at halftime. See you in the second half blog.

Football Night in America Live Blog: 12/28/08

We've seen history made today in Week 17 as I welcome you to the final live blog of Football Night in America for the 2008 NFL season.

That wild cheering you hear is Jim Rome is Burninating, as the Detroit Lying Downs did the job, surpassing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Charter Class of 1976 as professional football's most sucktacular frachise in the 88 year history of the National Football League. Also, Minnesota won the NFC North, the Bears and Bucs knocked themselves out of the postseason turning the Eagles-Cowboys game into a sudden death winner-take-all nuclear blowout of Dallas with the Birds heading to Minneapolis next week. And in the NFC South, Carolina will get a week off while Atlanta will soar west to face the Cardinals next week. Over in the AFC, the Patriots were praying to higher authorities that the Dolphins or the Ravens lose, but it did not happen.

We know Bob and Cris as well as Peter King are in Studio 8G. We'll let you know where Tiki and Bus are shortly...

And now, ladies and gentlemen (for the last time this year), a-heeeeeeeeeereeee's Keith and Dan!

Packers 31, Lying Downs 21: Oh for 2008 go the Lying Downs. Allowing two hundred yard runers, two 100-yard recievers in this game. Jim Rome Is Burninating celebrates the accomplishment as only he will, and now The Lying Downs are on the clock.

Bungles 16, Chefs 6: The Bungles acting like the forward pass was still illegal in 1906. Ginluca Paliuca! And which of these coaches will you be talking about on the unemployment line tomorrow? We all know that Mike Brown is the Worst Owner IN THE WORLD!

Steeers 31, Browns 0: Phyrric win for the Steelers as Big Ben suffered a concussion.

And look, Bus is in the studio!

Colts 23, Titans 0: Peyton Maning 7-for-7. Jim Sorgi was there. The Titans no so much in this glorified preseason game.

Falcons 31, Rams 27: On behalf of half of St. Louis, Bob Costas objects. Falcons will be in Glendale next weekend. Full schedule forthcoming.

Panthers 33, Saints 3: Talk about a Drew Brees...Saints trailed until the fourth and John Kasey wins the NFC South and a bye week as Tom Benson cries on the inside.

Vikings 20, Giants 19: Adrian Petreson runs amok, Derrick Ward and brian jacobs both rushed for 1,000 yards this season. But it was Ryan Longwell walking off with the NFC North with a fifty-yard field goal.

Texans 31, Bears 24: Hey, at least we had Matt "Stump the" Schaub spoiling Da Bears' post season. At least The Windy City has the Winter Classic at Wrigley Thursday (1/1/09).

Raiders 31, Buccaneers 24: To save cash, Chucky became cheerleader and aerobics instructor. Didn't happen thanks to Michael, um...Busssssssh!

Patriots 13, Bills 0: Bob and Cris take this one. 'Twas a fruitless eleven win season for Belecheat and the Boys, meaning that the Pats will pick 20th in the first round in April at Radio City Music Hall. Ever since the Celtics won that 17th NBA title in June, it's been close but not close enough in The Old Town. But it was the goalposts that were whacked out due to high winds before the games.

Your matchups for post season Wild Card Weekend:

AFC: Colts @ AFC West Saturday, 8:15 PM, Ravens @ Dolphins, Sunday 1 PM.

NFC: Falcons @ Cardinals, Saturday 4:30 PM, Eagles @ Vikings, Sunday 4:45 PM.

As for your Divisional Playoffs...

NFC: At Carolina, January 10, 8:15 PM, At NY Giants January 11, 1 PM.

AFC: At Tennessee, January 10,4:30 PM, at Pttsburgh January 11, 4:45 PM

The Conference finals are the 18th, with the NFC game at 3 PM and the AFC game at 6:30 PM. And as always, all times listed are US Eastern Time Zone.

Cardinals 34, Seahawks 21: The less said, the better.

49ers 27, Redskins 24: Another case of missing highlights as only those in the Federal Witness Protection Program saw them, and I have nothing more to say that is either relevant or true, Becky!

Ravens 27, Jaguars 7: Ray Lewis was fired up or he stepped on the pyro. Ravens clinch the six seed with the win.

Dolphins 24, Jets 17: Revenge is a dish best served up to people of taste cold. Chad Pennington goes to the playoffs, Brett Favre doesn't and like last year, his season ended with a pick.

Eagles 44, Cowgirls 6: Yoko Romo looked horrible at quarterback, the Eagles had five turnovers leading to 27 points on the board, and Andy Reid's off to Minneapolis next Sunday. And for the moment, employed for another year. This ten years to the day of the last Cowboy post season win and fifty years since The Greatest Professional Fooball Game Ever, Colts 23, Giants 17 at Yankee Stadium. You knew I had to get it in. And look, there's been a Tiki Barber sighting!

Well, that's it for the regular season...save for the Broncos and Chargers. See you on Saturday for the condensed FNiA and between game show as well.

A Wee Bit Late, But...

Here's your Week 17 NFL Schedule:

All times US Eastern Standard; games which have been moved are in italics, games with playoff implications are in bold.

1 PM:

• Carolina at New Orleans (Can the Cats come in a bounceback mode and get that first round bye?)
• Chicago at Houston (Da Bears win means they're in.)
• Cleveland at Pittsburgh (Meaningless for the 'Burgh, but Romeo, Romeo, where forth thy unemployment line?)
• Detroit at Green Bay (The Lying Downs get the chance to become 0-16 and Jim Rome is Burninating slavates as we speak.)
• Kansas City at Cincinnati (Loser gets second overall pick behind the Lying Downs; if Gordon Forbes were still doing his star rating system at USA TODAY, would this be the first ever negative star game?)
• New England at Buffalo (Can the Pats win eleven games and make the playoffs witout the future Mr. Giselle Bunchen? A loss to Buffalo puts them into more Jeopardy than Art Fleming ever did.)
• NY Giants at Minnesota (Vikings win and Bears lose means NFC Central, er, North title for Vikes and #3 seed)
• Oakland at Tampa Bay (Buccos lose, combined with other factors will eliminate them.)
• St. Louis at Atlanta (Because the Pathers choked last Sunday night, a Falcons win with a Panthers loss drops them to the #5 slot.)
• Tennessee at Indianapolis (Last year's Week 17 flex becomes this year's meaningless exhibition pre-post-season contest as both P. Manning and Collins will take the week off.)

4:15 PM:

• Dallas at Philadelphia (Eagles win combined with several other factors makes then in, but a Cowboys win means FIRE ANDY REID NOW!)
• Jacksonville at Baltimore (A Ravens win will have them in.)
• Miami at NY Jets (Is this the Golden Brett's last huzzah? A Dolphin victory wins the AFC East and completes worst-to-first scenerio; a Jets win with a Pats loss wins AFC East on tiebreakers.)
• Seattle at Arizona and Washington at San Francisco (Farewell to Mike Holmgren after the game in Glendale.)

And the 8:15 game is cut and dried: Denver at San Diego. Winner take all for AFC West and rights to host Indianapolis next weekend.

Get Your Kids To Bed, Good People...

SANTA'S COMING SOON!

From Me to You Out There:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A Little Poem for You...

Compliments of The Fourth Wave Blog!

Football Night in America Live Blog: 12/21/08

This was quite a historic day...for all the wrong reasons if you were a Detroit Lying Downs fan, or fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Philadelphia Eagles or New York Jets.

The Lying Downs clinched the number one draft pick and became the first team to lose fifteen straight games to start the season. Tampa had an unbeaten record at home until the San Diego Chargers became the second team from the western part of the country to beat a team in the Eastern Time Zone, the Jets were supposed to walk all over the Seahawks, but the final home game for Mike Holmgren was a surprise win, and the Eagles were all but eliminated because they looked abysmal against the Redskins and behalf of JFein, FIRE ANDY REID!

And next week's Flex Game will be Broncos-Chargers for all the AFC West marbles. Tiki's at The Swamplands, with a cameo by NBC Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, Bus is in Nashville, and Bob, Peter and Cris are in the studio. And now, ladies and gentlemen, herrrrrrrrrre's Keith and Dan!

49ers 17, Rams 16: The "I Fired My Coach Bowl" goes to the Niners late with 14 fourth quarter points. Strip the "interim" title ASAP from Mike Singletary's title.

Saints 42, Lying Downs 7: Jim Rome is Burninating now happier. Next week, the Packers in Green Bay. Get out the old roll of stamps and mail it in, Lying Downs and the 1976 Bucs will be the sole winless team in the modern era no more!

Bungles 14, Brownies 0: Anything less said about this game the better, and Keith does not work at The Hackney School newspaper anymore.

Dolphins 38, Chiefs 31: It was -12 degrees wind chill, and the coldest game in Dolphins history. However, they had to get 14 fourth quarter points and hold off the Chiefs to win.

Chargers 41, Bucs 24: Say hello to Y. A. Tittle Garcia, and the LaMont Casons keep rolling along.

Patriots 47, Cardinals 7: Now, it looks like the Pats in spite of the way they have played will be out of the postseason with a possible 11 win season. The Pats played snow sweeper and the Cards were the snow. And Dan makes a "Generalimissio Billo Imaginary War on Christmas" joke after Wes Welker's snow angel.

Titans 31, Steelers 14: No Hayneswoth, no Vanden Bosch? No problem. Ben Rothelisberger to Santonio Holmes in the Santonio Area Code...while in the great press box in the sky, Myron Cope is wishing if there's a rematch in the AFC title game that LenDale White will be hurt and hurt seriously for stomping on one of his "Terrible Towels".

Bills 30, Broncos 24: The Broncs had a chance to salt the AFC West away, but now they're in the Flex Game next week...winner take all at San Diego against the Bolts.

Falcons 24, Vikings 17: Give credit to Atlanta's defense as Matt Ryan, the NFL Rookie of the Year thought he would fly. And a tip of the helmet to Matt Burk for helping older players.

Seahawks 13, Jets 3: The only way the Jets win the AFC East is if the Pats lose to Buffalo or the Ravens lose to Jacksonville and the Jets beat Miami next week. The only way the Pack gets a higher pick is if they make the playoffs, right now it's a fourth rounder.

Redskins 10, Eagles 3: Stick a fork in the Beagles, they're done. Redskins are home for the postseason making this a hollow victory. The Beagles must beat Dallas next week and have Oakland beat Tampa Bay.

Raiders 27, Texans 16: Scorecenter: As Kenny Mayne used to say, "It's just another case of the man keeping the Texans and the Raiders down." No highlights available.

Enjoy the battle for home field between the Panthers and the G-Men!

UPDATE: The Giants win in OT, 34-28 to clinch home field through the playoffs. I'll have an final Week 17 schedule for you tomorrow in all hopes.

Countdown Live Blog: 12/19/08

For the last time in 2008, we count 32 days until Inauguration Day, 2,059 days since "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, six days until Christmas, 12 days until the ball drop at One Times Square, 42 days until Super Bowl XLIII, 57 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training and just 106 days until Opening Night in Philadelphia for the 2009 Major League Baseball season.

The Tie: Silver blue.

Number 5: "I will fight, I will fight, I will fight until I take my last breath." And with that, Blago says he's going to battle the charges against him eleven days after the fact following being arrested for trying to sell the vacated Obama senate seat in Illinois. He added Kipling in his statement. Wait, he wanted to sell a dead poet the seat? He also slammed Meet The Press as well. Whoa, David Gregory just took over that job this past week, and Blago's already slamming GE. He also thanked all his supporters - sixty upon last count - and wished everyone Happy Holidays. Chris Colizza delivers that fact it was a fierce denial in three minutes or less. Watergate much, Balgo?

And in Minnesota's crazy political Senate voting count out near Lake Woebegon, legitimate former comic Al Franken has now taken the lead over Norm Coleman, and now he's getting desperate and now wants duplicate ballots uncounted. They'll need enough hot dishes to keep them going soon.

Number 4: Bush had decided to allot $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler in the bailout of America's car makers after Jim Bunning - who was 86'd from a Detroit sports memorabilia show last week for backing the Southern Grand Older Politicos in the original plan killing - provided that they get their house in order by March 31, otherwise, they'd get their money back, and the Republicans who are sleeping with foreign makers, are cheesed off. Like maybe more electric cars perhaps, Treasury boss Henry Paulsen wants the other $350 billion released, and Obama said that our paitence is running out and come up with hard choices. Robert Kutter joins us to state that restructuring is important to 66.7% of the Big Three.

Oddball: The Dawson City hockey team's journey started on this day in 1904 en route to Ottawa and it was a disaster and lost the Stanley Cup playoffs in two games. Speaking of hockey, at The Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field, two Zambonis arrived for the NHL Winter Classic between the Red Wings and Blackhawks on New Years Day, and one of them fell off the truck. Luckilly, no one was hurt and the ice resurfacer wasn't seriously damaged. Meanwhile, in South Korea, a trade deal with the USA added the whole new meaning to "filibuster". Over a year ago, another donneybrook broke out.

Best Persons: 3 - Lou Dobbs said that Canada's PM was "Un-American". D'oh! 2 - Thanks to a hypnotist's act, Darren Corbett gets his addiction switched from tobacco to scampi fries. 1 - At the same Home Depot withtin a week, Gil Steward found $1,000 in a wallet that a man lost for Christmas gifts and mortgage payment. Then found a bag of cash on the floor dropped by a vendor.

Music Segue: En Vogue's "Whatta Mighty Mighty Good Man."

Number 3: The man who was known as "Deep Throat", Woodward and Bernstein's Watergate insider, W. Mark Felt, former Deputy FBI director, passed away at 95. It was his children that asked to out himself in Vanity Fair in May 2002 while investigating the source of the leaks himself, and John Dean, Nixon's White House counsel at that time, tells his side of the story for all of us.

Bushed!: 3 - Decriminalization of gay rights is anti-American. The French are for it and introduced them. 2 - Midnight regulation not under consideration on Global Warming. In essence, the EPA Director overruled the Supreme Court. 1 - Gonzo while as counsel lied with Condi on testimony about the CIA cleared Irani oral clearence claims to uranium there. It looks like Fredo picked a bad year to move Rice's lips.

Number 2: Worst Persons in the World (Last call for 2008):

Bronze - Inanity and former beauty queen Gretchen Carlson tied for the bronze with photos released of president-elect Obama smoked ciggies and wore a hat, saying if the pictures were released during the campaign, McCain would have won. And what was Carlson's talent as a beauty queen? She played the violin, so she's fiddling whilst Inanity is burning.

Silver - The Florida Department of Revenue felt that a man owed fines and faced charges of not being charged a buck and a half in state sales taxes. *palmslap*

Gold - Greta American Insurance via Carl Linder, the company's chairman and former owner of the first professional baseball team, says that three people killed in arson in Houston a few years ago asks that their families of the deceased don't deserve a dollar because it was induced by smoke. Boycott Cincinnati Reds home games in 2009 in protest I say, as they have naming rights to their home on Pete Rose Way.

Number 1: The Tina Fey Evil Doppelganger is still in the Krusty The Clown walking on the rakes mode. Her daughter Bristol is due to give birth sometime this weekend, and her beau's mother was arrested in Alaska's "crystal meth capital," Wasilla, where the evil twin of the star of 30 Rock lives on six drug-related charges. She's out on $2,000 bail and Christian Finnegan closes out the year 2008 with the note that Sarah Palin's staff is unavailable for comment, and Crystal's a good name for a girl.

Yet we all here exclaim as he went out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." But I will have live blogs on the last two editions of Football Night in America on the next two Sundays, and hope you have a wonderful holiday season.