MLB's TV Partners Prohibits You From Seeing The Last Two World Series Champions Play Each Other...Unless You Have Cash Monies, Homie

There are assholes, and then there are TV programmers. Both seem to have their heads up their arrears at the same time. Take for example, the folks at TBS, ESPN, FOX and MLB Network.

Please.

On the weekend of June 12th through June 14th, the last two teams that won the World Series - the Boston Red Sox (2007) and the Philadelphia Phillies (2008) - will be playing a three-game series at Citizens Bank Park. Guess how many games will be telvised on one of those networks.

None. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Bubkus.

That's right. None of them. So, what games will be on national television that weekend? Let's check the schedules, kids.

• FOX June 13 - New York Mets at New York Yankees or St. Louis Cardinals at Cleveland Indians, 4 PM ET.
• MLB Network June 13 - San Diego Padres at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Orange County California USA Western Hemisphere Third Rock From the Sun Milky Way Galaxy Crab Nebula, 9 PM ET.
• TBS June 14 - New York Mets at New York Yankees, 1 PM ET (Headline News in New York City area).
• ESPN June 14 - St. Louis Cardinals at Cleveland Indians, 8 PM ET.

I can possibly understand the Mets-Yankees thing, but the last place Cleveland Fucking Indians and the last place San Diego Motherfucking Padres? Can someone have these prickheads take a damn cocksucking drug test to see what they were eating/drinking/smoking when they made these decisions? The die was cast a week earlier when ESPN decided to put the Phillies-Dodgers NLCS rematch for that week's Sunday Night Baseball telecast on June 7th. As far as I'm concrened, the Cardinals-Indians game was better off on KSDK in St. Louis and WKYC in Cleveland, thus in turn, pissing off those at NBC.

Sadly, the greedy motherfucking bastards at Major League Baseball will make these games available because as Ted DiBiase the elder says "Everybody's got a price...Everybody's gonna pay...'Cause [MLB]...Always gets [their] way." Those games (except in New England and the Valley of the Delaware) are readily available via their Extra Innings digital cable/DirecTV package or via the internet on MLB.tv. The sadder part? DirecTV doesn't carry Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia thanks to an obscurely antiquated FCC rule about exclusivtivity and Comcast's preferrence to use microwave/fiber optics.

So I give a great big loud FUCK YOU to TimeWarner, NewsCorpse and Disney as well as MLB's in house TV operations for this gigantic pile of bullshit. You made your beds, now the fans outside New England and Philadelphia expect you to lay there, you cocksucking assholes.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/29/09

The Tie: Gray with black diagonal stripes.

Number 5: The Goodoldboysandgirls Party smear campaign on Justice Sonia Sotomayor has become The Civil War. Michael Steele, RNC chairman, Charles Krauthammer, Peggy Noonan and Sen. Jon Cornyn (R-TX) have said people like Comedian Boss Limbaugh should stop being part of the process and just SHUT THE FUCK UP! Meanwhile, Limbaugh compared Sotomayor to former KKK leader (and politician) David Duke. Bad choice, Mr. Limbaugh. So have Inanity, Professor Harold Hill, Tom Tancredo, Michael Weinersavage, Coultergeist, Turdblossom, Fred Barnes, Bill Bennett been told to stay far away...even they have attacked her. Richard Wolffe, please straighten this up. He's also here to plug his new book Renagade: The Making of a President.

Number 4: More on Sotomayor's attacks from the "Angry White Male Far Right Wing Nutjob" was in this case from National Review Online contributor John Derbyshire in reverse racism. Lawrence O'Donnell, what say thou?

Oddball: In 1917, JFK was born. In London, plastic bunnies (no, not the Playboy variety) are trash containers. In Dallas, birds are attacking police officers and TV reporters.

Best Persons: 3 - A passport was swiped from a New Zealand tourist from Scotland by a parrot. Pining for the Fjords? 2 - On Professor Harold Hill's Happy Hour, Craig T. Nelson said he never wanted to bail out the car makers. 1 - Cal Thomas will sail the Holland America Noordam along with Rich Lowry. Keith's hint: Just stay away from Lowry's cabin.

Musical Segue: Theme from Gilligan's Island.

Number 3: Adolph XLII joins Herr Goebles in defense on enhanced interrigation techniques waterboarding torture. And Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) says he's seen the cvlassified memos that says that it worked, but that is wrong as wrong can be. And how did "Matthew Alexander" asked one why he wanted to slit "Alexander's" throat? To give information.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - New York City Mayor Michael Bloomburg apologised to a reporter from The New York Observer. Via a staffer.
Silver - National organization for Marriage (Carrie Prejean's organization) misspells "marriage" in an ad.
Gold - G. Gordon Liddy believes that Sotomayor is in that time of the month...especially now.

Number 1: So the far right wing blogging idiots claimed that last week's ManCow waterboarding was a hoax. Yeah, right, and ManCow Muller joins us to deny it all. I'm damn sure that was real H₂O in that pitcher in the video.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone. And I'll be back on Monday.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/28/09

Former Minnesota Governor Jessie "The Body, The Mind" Ventura is tonight's special guest.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/27/09

The Tie: Red with white microdots.

Number 5: Like we said last night, the far reich is on Sonia Sotomayor's case. They're calling her a racist, a bigot, uneducated (in spite of being a Princeton grad) and even her favorite meal - pigs ears and noodles - could cause a decision go her way. That okay with you, Eugene Robinson?

Meanwhile, the two lawyers who faced one another in Adolph vs. Gore in 2000, will join forces to sue the state of California to repeal Prop 8. And hell just became the Rockefeller Center skating rink at Christmas. John Dean, we finally get bipartianship at last?

Number 4: Just when Fredo Gonzalez thought he was out, Ms. Sotomayor pulled him back in. And he's blaming the Justice Department enhanced interrigation techniques torture on January 22, 2002 as White House Counsel. Well, Jay Bybee sent a couple memos and was cleared by Condi Rice, The Wicked Bitch of the West in her role of National Security Advisor. Tell us more, Chris Hayes from The Nation.

Oddball: In 1911 Vincent Price was born. Play Michael Jackson's "Thriller" in his honor. Remember the story of that suicidal man and the frustrated senior citizen? Here's the video proof. In Jacksonville, a fish camp saw a alligator in the men's room. I'll leave you to the jokes. And in Prague, a politican from the Social Democrat party was egged by students. "The Socialist Democrat Party. What...The...?" It's genius, genius I tells ya!

Best Persons: 3 - Security in an American airport saw a French guy from a drug for chemotheropy had missing fingerprints. 2 - Rabin Osman in Oregon called 911 to ask McDonald's for a juice box. 1 - Julien's of Los Angeles will auction off Elvis' perscription drug bottles. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Musical Segue: "Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. Thank you and good night."

Number 3: Back to ManCow Muller and his thought about waterboarding was torture. Even to those who didn't want to admit to it, even to Inanity. Rachael Maddow, what say you?

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - Col. Ralph Peters of Fixed Noise wants to kill all those at Gitmo.
Silver - Another Fixed Noise actor, Bill Hemmer, heard about quoting Norman Thomas, but never mentioned it.
Gold - Mark Precorian on National Review Online says Judge Sotomayor should change the pronounciation of her name.

Number 1 (The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!? Moment): Here's tonight's edition, compliments of ThinkProgress.org. See if you can make the connection between him and the Gabby Hayes wannabe from Blazing Saddles. And it ain't Roy Rogers' new "Triggerburgers", either!





And while speaking of connections, we'll connect again tomorrow night.

I Think I've Found My Worst...Person...IN THE WORLD!

This clown.

WARNING: NSFW, the kids or those Phillies fans who dislike clowns like the guy who posted this.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/26/09

The Tie: Blue, black, white and silver stripes.

Number 5: Sonia Sotomayor, Phi Beta Kappa at Princeton and Yale Law School and the nominee for the vacant Supreme Court position, faces opposition...from Comedian Boss Limbaugh, Turdblossom (who pushed forward the Harriet Myers nomination), National Review's web site and Fixed Noise. And did we need that graphic? Meanwhile, eleven Good Oldboysandgirls Party Senators who were against her appointment in 1995 to Court of Appeals are still in office. White House press sec Robert Gibbs gets the third degree. Meanwhile, Howard Fineman wll put the political spin on this.

Number 4: It looks like that Judge Sotomayor will have the needed 60 votes but don't tell that to Michael Steele "Sieve", GOP figurehead leader. Prof. Jonathon Turley looks at the legal matters of her nomination. In a subplot of the segment, California's Supreme Court upheld Prop 8, but allowed the 18,000 pre-banishment joint agreements for their living partners.

Oddball: Now with fun video goodness. If it's an Bank Holiday, then it's time for that annual rite of broken bones known as the Downhill Cheese Run in Glousteshire, England.



We have mascot-on-soccer player violence in Norway. It's the world's game, don't you know?



Meanwhile, WEWS anchors celebrate LeBron's big shots.


Best Persons: 3 - A Nebraska thief stole nine packs of smokes with a Bud Light box...but left it behind in Lincoln. 2 - A Chinese guy pushed a suicide attemper and got arrested. 1 - A second Tour de France...for prisioners. "A chance to getaway and escape" said one particapant. Wrong choice of words?

Musical Segue: Queen's Bicycle Race! Enjoy.

Number 3: Gen. Petraeus is for the closing of Gitmo and against enhanced interigation techniques waterboarding. So is Gen. Colin Powell, USA (Ret.), former Secratary of State in the first term of the Adolph XLIII Gestapo and also criticized Boss Limbaugh and W. Jonathon Alter anaylizes.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - David Zawarach calims Keith's heading this country toward socialism. The Baltimore Sun is headed toward bankruptcy.
Silver - A National Review blogger claims that it's been eight and a half years since 9/11. Brilliant mathmatics, chump.
Gold - Laura Ingram says that there were three detainees, echoing Ayatollah Dickcheney.

Number 1: The conserative morning show host who took waterboarding and denounced it as torture, ManCow Muller, joins us.

Sorry kids, no Still Bushed! or Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Moment this evening. Join us manana.

Don't Invite Dennis Eckersley Back to the NESN Booth Soon

While we here at The O Files are wishing Jerry Remy well as he recovers from cancer, NESN has been using fill ins on their Red Sox telecasts. On Friday (5/22), Dennis Eckersley, Hall of Fame starter and closer, as well as TBS studio anaylist, was in the anaylist's seat, and let's just say there were a couple of NSFW moments for the kids or offices. First, he blurts out a "Gianluca Pagliuca" moment that would have made Gary Miller proud:

Needless to say, that wasn't the only Ralph Kiner/Jerry Coleman malaprop Eck had. Listen closely to the name of the pitcher:

We could have read lips and knew Eck was not praying. Oh, and Eck, since you had to bring up the word "masterbate" I am forced to bring this out in your honor:

And You Wonder Why Fox Demoted Their Top NFL Director

They should demote their lead baseball producer. As per Fire Andy Reid Now, the following video in HD:

BTW, John Mayberry Jr. was sent back to Lehigh Valley after the Sunday game.

Recapping A Visit To Fallon's

Well, as stated, Keith was on Tomorrow Coast to Coast with Tom Snyder and Rona Bartlet Late Night With David Letterman Conan O'Brien Jimmy Fallon this morning ET, and the talked about the lack of dancing ability that Keith had for the Dance Challenge contest Fallon is holding, baseball cards (Keith gave away one of his cards to Fallon, modeled after after the 1959 Topps series) and showed a couple of Oddball clips with the kickass Japanese Robot of the week, the teacher and those crazy sheep dogs herding into the LEDs and all.

Have a safe holiday weekend, enjoy the barbeques and trips to the mountains, shores and do remember why we celebrate the holiday. Live blogging resumes this Tuesday (5/26).

Apologies On No Live Blog

I would like to apologize for not having a live blog this evening (5/22). I had a long night of sleep and missed the show.

However, you may have noticed a new subhead. ManCow Muller of WLS-AM 890 in Chicago did take a waterboarding challenge and lasted all of six seconds and did indeed state that indded he feared for his life, proving Sean Inanity is inded chicken$#!+. As a result, Keith will donate $10K to Veterans of Valor, and so I will donate $1.00 to same charity ASAP. You still can contribute by e-mailing me at TheInatitFund@gmail.com, though the most financial ones though were scams for British Lottery prizewinnings...

Other highlights from my dazed and confused stupor:

• Gov. Rich Perry (R-Texas) wants to use $11 million in stimulai to repair the Texas governor's mansion to win WPitW. Runner up was the folks at Verizon who wanted to have an Ohio sherriff pay $20 to reactivate a customer's phone that he defaulted on. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?! And second runner up goes to Liberty university, a/k/a Moral Majority Tech for kicking a Christian Democratic club off campus.
• And a beauty from WDIV in Detroit, you know, the station that ran the crawl of Matt Millen's Detroit Lions career in the Super Bowl Sunday in America pre-game back in February? Mr. Eaton Beaver turned 69 that day.
  Matt, was that you? Sadly, Post Newsweek, owners of WDIV, had the video removed from YouTube.
• Oh, yeah they ran the new "Follow the Bouncing Boss Limbaugh" graphic in a repeat of Wednesday's WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!? moment. It registered a 4.2 in the West Palm Beach area from what we understand.

Anyway, recap of Mr. Olbermann on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in a bit.

Keith Visits Jimmy Fallon Tonight (5/22)

Did I ever tell you about the time Jimmy Fallon was with Sarah Palin's nice twin sister on Saturday Night Live a decade ago?

Well he's taken over as the host of Late Night from Conan O'Brien, who's moving on to take over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show starting June 1st. Fallon welcomes Keith tonight to his show at 12:37 AM ET/PT. Yes, there will be a recap.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/21/09

The Tie: Red with white micropindots.

Number 5: In the corner to your left, the 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. And in the corner on your right, the former Vice President of the United States, The Ayatollah Dickcheney. The neocons applauded twice to the American Enterprise Institute speech, but Obama got the knockout punch. Gitmo was a recruting school for terrorism. And it wasn't Obama who let them free. Two-thirds of them were released in the Adolph XLIII Gestapo Herr Goebbles was involved with, and some of the transferees will go to SuperMax prisions. Just ask Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-FL), a JAG attorney in the Army Reserves. And again, President Obama rejeceted waterboarding as a device to get them to talk. Cheney told him that he can take those points and shove it. Bullshit. I'll spare you the rest of the bullshit from the past, including the Saddam Hussein/Al-Qaeda 9-11 connection.

Number 4: For more on the current and former administrations views is Col. Lawrence Wilkerson, USA (Ret.), the former Chief of Staff under Gen. Colin Powell, USA (Ret.)

Update from TheInatitFund@gmail.com: Twenty-nine days. Do we need to carry on?

Number 3: Meanwhile, those six Democratic senators were spared the wrath of Obama as that 56 other partyy members voting against closing Gitmo. Howard Fineman, what are your comments?

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)
Bronze - Billo says he's middle class even though he makes $10 million, and his complaint about NYPD random frisking is being challeneged by the ACLU.
Silver - Rep. John Boehner claims the CIA lied to Congress.
Gold - Prof. Harold Hill wants an apology from Baba Wawa. Roll that beautiful View footage. Now shut up.

Number 1: Keith's special comment on Cheney's lies. Video below.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

See you tomorrow.

This One's For You, Keith!

To Keith at his Sports Journal, who's been working in some Family Guy clips into his weekly divisional baseball recaps:

EDIT: The other was removed because of a violation of the terms of service. Sorry, had to be done.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/20/09

The Tie: Brown, cream and black stripes.

Number 5: Wow, that bipartisan thing finally worked out well. The Democrats jumped to the other side of Adolph XLIII land after a 90-6 on the money for Gitmo's closing. The reason? A lack of focus on a plan and some others returning to terrorism. Eleven of them. And those comments of Sen. James Imhoffe (R-OK) echoing last night's WTF moment about prisoners get better healthcare than our common public...Ummmm, okay. Richard Wolffe, your thoughts? Add some BREAKING NEWS that the first detainee at Club Gitmo - Ahmed Ghailiani -will come to New York in a civilian court soon.

There's a supermax in a small town outside Helena, Montana called Hardin that wants many of 100 detainees right now as we speak. Here's that city's economic director, Greg Smith, to tell us about it from that site.

Number 4: Newt Gingrich, thaty noted pathological controdiction said that CIA lying to a Democrat isn't okay as he said today on GMA. it's not politics, but national security as it were. Tell it to Peter Hokstera...and Leon Panetta, the CIA director. Any fresh ideas, Jonathon Alter?

Oddball: TheInatitFund@gmail.com update has been four whole weeks since Inanity's waterboarding proclaimation. FORE! One golfshot into Petco Park (PETA's worst nightmare) gives you free appitizers at P. F. Chang's with any purchase. Video proof below.

And disturbing, er, good news from the Space Station...three of the guests drink recycled number one.

Number 3: It will not be the Democrat Socialist Party, but the Good Oldboysandgirls Party says now that the Democrats are marching toward socialist policies. And they claim it was to be a success. Say hello to Miss Wasilla 1984, Evil Twin of Tiny Fey supports him with that teabagging comment and we'll greet The New Yorker's Ryan Lizza to let you have this sink in.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) will face Kay Bailey hutchenson, but his spokesperson says he doesn't want a whorehouse.
Silver - Billo and Comedian Boss Limbaugh gets called out as frauds by...Michael Weinersavage?!

Gold - Prof. Harold Hill got P\/\/N3D by Baba Wawa and Whoopi Goldberg, and they had the video to prove it. Memorial services for his attitude and his credibility will be at the Church of St. Ego of the Arrogance on Friday.

Number 1: On the subject of Mr. Limbaugh, he now wants a 30-day truce between Keith and him for that footage of Boss Limbaugh bouncing around. All we can say is WHISKEY...TANGO...FOXTROT!?

See you tomorrow.

The Second Favorite Show Of A Couple Of Us Here At The Blog...Back For A Second Season

You've seen those whacky kickass Japanese game sho clips on the Oddball segment in the past, but did you know (Are you as stupid as we are? Did you have any idea?) that last summer, ABC did a whole summer series about it?

Believe it or not, JFein and I have a love for this. What is it? Here's a promo clip:



The show is titled "I Survived a Japanese Game Show", and the good news is that the people at ABC have renewed it for a second summer. Look for it starting July 8th at 9 PM ET/PT, 8 PM Central.

Praise Jaysus! Comcast Keeps NFL Network, Adds ESPNU And ESPN360.com

When we last checked in a few weeks ago with the talking between Comcast and the NFL Network, things were at a stalemate until Brian Roberts, the chairman of Comcast and NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell began getting involved. And sure enough, all that talking came finally to fruition.

With lawsuits against one another being dropped, Comcast and the NFL Network jointly announced in both Fort Lauderdale, Florida and Philadelphia this day (5/19) that the network and the number one cable service in the USA there has been an agreement to keep the channel on the service, and move it by August 1 from the Vince McMahon Memorial "Sports Entertainment" (read: extra $8/month) tier to the Digital Classic tier. But that wasn't the only news from the City of Siblingly Love today. It also opens the door to other cablers like Time Warner, those stubborn bastards at Cablevision (Rangers and Knicks suck, as does NewsDay) as well as Cox and Charter to talk about getgting the network on their systems.

The company has announced as of September 1, ESPNU and for all you high-speed interwebs freaks like me, ESPN360.com are being added. It's about time. Do you know how many Big Five and Temple football games were carried on ESPNU the last four years? A lot, and unless we had a satellite dish, we were screwed.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/19/09

The Tie: Lavender.

Number 5: Michael Steele is threatening to step down as chairman of the Good Oldhomeboysandgirls Party delivered by Fixed Noise, a/k/a The GOP Public Relations Department and tomorrow votes on last Wednesday's (5/13) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment. You know, the Democrat Socalist Party vote that he opposes. And they will take President Obama head on and the day he announced tougher emission and fuel mileage at The White House, but there's more to the Party Of Nein (or was the Party of Nine?) than the same old rigmarole, and another celebrity slam at our 44th president was delivered. "This change is being delivered in a teabag." I'll allow you to write the jokes here. Howard Fineman will now attempt to clear up the mess.

Number 4: The screwing up at the CIA continues on Congress and those meetings along with enhanced interigation techniques waterboarding, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi has reported approval ratings equal to Newt Gingrich. OH, SNAP! Did they lie to Congress and obstruct Justice and do so? Rep. Pete Hookstra (R-MI) also slammed everyone, when and where and who? Jack Rice, that former CIA special agent turned talk show host, explains this.

Oddball: This day's TheInatitFund@gmail.com update: Twenty-seven days since Mr. Inatity's announcement. I can see the yellow streak from here... More on him later in the WPitW. We can see snail facials in Sandy, Utah. Actually, it's a Guiness record attempt. And this kid had 43 of em escargos. Out in Spokane, duckings that are newborn for a duck and recover help at a citibank in Spoakne. Insert the "Put it on the bill" joke. And in Belgium, footage of a new baby elephant.

Best Persons: 3 - George Will says people aren't getting out of cars onto bikes. You're only off by .03%, sir. 2 - William Bullock of Cary, NC robbed a Durham bank and dropped the notebook that had missing papers with the address. 1 - A 17-year old in Winston-Salem tried to rob an interwebs cafe with a banana. He then ate it. In tribute, here's that Monty Python "Self Defense Against Fruit" skit.

Musical Segue: Enjoy!

Number 3: Elizabeth Edwards is here to talk about her new book, Resilience.

Still Bushed!: 3 - More on the KBR Halliburton contracts and bonuses for electric wiring near showers. 2 - Ayatollah Dickcheney reviewed in The Dark Side.. Nice. no wonder he looks so damn constipated. 1 - More Fun with Waterboarding and the internal nonsense.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - Inanity was getting tossed by Jesse "The Body" Ventura and added that Adolph inheirited 9/11 and the defecit.
Silver - Oh, disgruntled ex-MSNBC employee Tucker Carlson forgot President Obama's use of the word "abortion" seven times. Jeez, hit Ctrl-F5 every time. BTW, how's that Flavor Aid in Pirate Rupert and Jabba The Hutt's bathtub tastin'?
Gold - Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) says there's no global warming with carbon dioxide is in soda and Perrier.

Number 1: Tonight's WHISKEY...TANGO...FOXTROT?!? moment, brought to you by the Republican Filthy Rich Caucasian Senior Citizen Party (Take that for "Democratic Socialist Party" namers) features Sen. John Enson (R-NV) claim that those at the soon to be closed Gitmo jail claims that they get better health care than all average Americans.

We'll keep the world safe from big pharmas, and we'll see you tomorrow night.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/18/09

The Tie: Pink.

Number 5: We learned today that Adolph XLIII was told by a higher authority to go to war in Iraq, and we ain't talking about Donald Rumsfeld, which had scripture from The Bible with pictures below. GQ's Robert Draper said a Muslim inside the Pentagon was offended, but they liked it outside the religion. Richard Wolffe, WTF is going on whatsoever that is holier than Adolph XLIII?

To guide us into The Holy Bible, let's welcome Bapist Minister Rev. C. Welton Gaddy to provide insight to the whole thing.

Number 4: President Obama's commencement speech at Notre Dame was a mantra and was interrupted 25 times for applause and once for an anti-abortion protest. And he added that any health care plan must include help for sensible abortions and adoption, plus he wanted a common ground for future battles. So E.J. Dionne, how'd he do?

Oddball: Today's TheInatitFund@gmail.com update stands at 26 days of Inanity singing The Sounds of Silence. Hello, darkness, my old friend... And it's Jesus as a Cheeto. Jesus as a Cheeto! Yes, the Bell family are planning to sell it on eBay, with the winning bid expected to be from GolenPalace.com Mr. I. P. Dailey from Yellow River, Texas. In Bubbio Italy, the candle race is fixed like a WWE match. And Inchon, South Korea's best billiard player doesn't use a cue.

Best Persons: 3 - Mrs Blago will replace her husband on I'm A Celebrity Bail Me Out! 2 - The cancelled parade of bodybuilders in Bulgaria was because of drug testing. 1 - Well, look below and see who was hired by ESPN. Apology much for sources?

Musical Segue: Theme from Monday Night Football.

Number 3: Herr Goebbles' daughter Lynn was asked on ABC's This Week called her dad's torture undeniable...that's what it is... And McClatchy via guest John Lanaday had an article running that Cheney will clear up everything. The little bitch also said that President was Un-American... That's right, the apples don't fall far from the tree and they're all rotten to the core. So Lynn, does the term "SEIG HEIL" mean anything?

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - Harold Jackson of The Philadelphia Inquirer defends John Woo's hiring on bloggers.
Silver - Inanity the Coward announced the hiring of new attorneys at the DoJ. Blames it on politics.
Gold - Billo The Clown goes on the interwebs and says after over forty attacks from stalker/producers he's trying to protect you and your privacy. Get out the virual middle finger at him as he was unmerciafully booed at The New Yankee Stadium money Pit sitting next to The Donald.

Number 1: WHISKEY...TANGO...FOXTROT!?! Good Oldhomeboysandgirls Party boss Michael "Yo Homies!" Steele wants to tie gay marriage to hurting small business. And the wedding business is a lot of small businesses making, oh, $70 billion/year.

I'm off to watch this week's WWE RAW. At least there's no arena conflict in Louvul like what's going to happen next week. The story will be linked tomorrow at Keith's Sports Journal, or you can scroll downward and read it for yourself.

Caption This #1

Everyone in the interwebs is doing it, so why not I?

Are you brave enough to put a caption of The Ayatollah Dickcheney at the Phillies-Nationals game May 17th? Leave 'em in the comments section, and I'll post the best ones next week.

Kornholio Out at MNF; Chucky Takes His Place

For all the Tony Kornheiser haters who hated him on Monday Night Football over on ESPN, rejoice and sing "O Happy Day!" Kornholio has quit his night job (he's staying on PTI, however) and is being replaced by ex-Raiders and Bucs coach John "Chucky" Gruden. And if you've ever seen him in a coaches' sideline shot, you'll understand.

Of course, I'm still waitng for ESPN to bring back Mike Patrick and Joe Theismann to replace Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski.

Mr. McMahon Does Not Approve Of Game 4 Of The Lakers-Nuggets Western Conference Finals In Denver; Takes Shots At Owners And Moves It To LA

Next Monday (5/25) is Memorial Day here in the USA, and it is also the same day as Game Four of the NBA Western Conference Finals between the Los Angeles Lakers an the Denver Nuggets at the Pepsi Center in Denver. That same night, the weekly tesosterone fueled predetermined fake fighting soap opera called WWE RAW is scheduled to be at the same arena. Both events are scheduled to start at 9 PM EDT.

A little background on this if you will. The Pepsi Center is owned by Altitude Sports and Entertainment, who owns the Nuggets, the Colorado Avalanche of the NHL, MLS' Colorado Rapids, the Altitude sports channel and owner Stan Kronke also owns parts of the NFL's St. Louis Rams, the dormant for a year Arena Football Colorado Crush (with Pat Bolden an John Elway) and English Premier League soccer team Arsenal FC.

Meanwhile, World Wrestling Entertainment is controlled by Vincent Kennedy McMahon, booked "the Can" in advance even as far as signing the contract April 15th for the May 25 date. Like his TV personna, he has a "my way or the highway" personna, and took a shot at Kronke stating that "he didn't have faith that the Nuggets would have a playoff date" in a press release. Even worse, Vinnie Mac "presented" a Lakers Kobe Bryant jersey to Kronke and challened him to a steel cage match.

Here's an update on the story (as of 5/20): The Pepsi Center now says that the WWE is "postponed indefinately" for May 25, and the NBA Nuggets won out. Wait, this gets even funnier. If they had to try to move the show to the next night (May 26), they would have bumped Andre Rieu and the Johann Strauss Orchestra. Yes, he of the PBS Begathon secials, Andre Freakin' Rieu! Now how WTF hilarious is that? They also bailed out of a date the next night up in Colorado Springs and guess what? Both shows wil be in Los Angeles at the Staples Center next week. See "irony" in Websters' and look it up...

Look At Who Just Crossed Over To The Dark Side...

Yup, former MSNBC employee Tucker "I am not a digruntled former beauty queen" Carlson, who was introduced as a regular for Fixed Noise on the Fixed and Fiends show Friday (5/15). He'll join Turdblossom, the Airline Stewardess, Prof. Harold Hill, and of course Billo The Clown on the unfair and unbalanced far right wing noise network run by Pirate Rupert and Jabba the Hutt.

I guess it was a slow news day.

Overdue, But Worth It

Well, I wanted to talk the last two weeks about it, however circumstances beyond my control (not quite Whiskey Tango Foxtrot worthy) did otherwise. So, I will talk about my current favorite cartoon series right now.

Having lived for almost five decades, I have liked (in chronological order) Astro Boy, The Flintstones reruns, The Smurfs, Pokemon, SpongeBob SquarePants and most recently, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, but right now, because I babysit for a two-year-old nephew, he is in love with superheroes. Currently, his three favorite shows are Super Why, Curious George and WordGirl. There are some built in reasons why he likes Curious George and WordGirl, because both shows have monkeys in a central role. According to the former head writer of WordGirl, Jack Ferraiolo, who co-devloped the series with creator Dorthea Gillim, monkeys make any cartoon 30% funnier. Well, that's what he says. And why do I like WordGirl? Allow me to count the ways.

1. You learn something and LOL at it. Okay, there's two levels at this series simular to a cartoon series called Rocky and Bullwinkle, which is celebtrating it's 50th anniversary this year. (All hail Wottsamatta U!) The first level is aimed at the kids, who learn a new word or two in the episode, while the adults get a batch of in-jokes (such as the guy who thinks he's at the police station, but isn't, and we learn that "sometimes we need help setting up the next scene.")

2. The kitchy retro feel. WordGirl/Becky Botsford (her assumed alias) lives in the city of Preposparocity where her adopted family has a 1950's style station wagon, no digital cable/satellite TV or internet access, and her cell phone is so 1995 clunky sized. When she is Becky, she wears knee-high socks and black-and-white saddle shoes and her hair is done like Jackie Kennedy in a pompadour flip.

3. What kind of villainy do we have here? Because this is a send up of superhero cartoons, there are villians. There's Doctor Two Brains, once a noted scientist who was accidently fused with an angered albino mouse but is now trying to steal all the cheese in town (and buy crackers to go with them); The Butcher, who serves up meat attacks and mangles the English language; Chuck the Evil Sandwich Making Guy, whose head is a sandwich and lives in his mom's basement (think Nathan Brice with a noggin as a BLT); half-woman half-copier Lady Redundant Woman (a human Thesaurus); evil businessman Mr. Big, who uses mind control to get what he wants, namely squishy bunny rabbits (the mind control part is in his company's mission statement); Granny May, an elderly thief who feigns being scatterbrained to get her way; The Whammer, who interjects "wham" and "whammer" when he isn't using his fists to use in a sonic boom; a narcisstic game show host named Seymour Orlando Smith (think of an evil version of Bob Barker with a spray tan and some bling) and Steve McClean, whose gimmick is to tidy up his crime sites.

4. The Voice Cast. Where do I start? Lots of familiar actors from the cartoon world (Cree Sumner, Tom Kenny, his wife Jill Talley, Grey DeLisle and Darran Norris); familiar people from regular acting (John C. McGinley from "Scrubs", Jeffrey Tambor from "Arrested Devlopment", Peter "Good Morning Mr. Phelps" Graves, Patton Oswalt who was the voice of Remy in Ratatoullie); a narrator who's in on everything (ex-SNL regular Chris Parnell) and comedians/improv vets (such as Dannah Phirman, who voices the titlular character. She was a one-year regular on the now defunct "MadTV".)

And not only that, she's also promoting litereracy, too, even for the company that created her, Scholastic Entertainment. Check out the video.

Modern over-the-air television has simply cheapened the cartoon expreiences we had when we were younger, thanks mostly in part to kiddie-driven cable nets like Nick and Cartoon Network. These days, we are forced to have "consumer lifestle" programming from tween-driven Disney Channel on ABC disguised as "E/I" shows, CW has 4K!DS programming their block four years after they lost Pokemon (as per The WB, which merged with UPN to form the CW), NBC and Ion share a project called qubo, and CBS is abysmal after Nick was spun off into the new Viacom. Meanwhile, Fox has abandoned the genre for infomercials, and My MiniNetworkTV (which I don't even recognize as a TV network at all) doesn't even have kids shows. And the days if an independent station are not at all worthy, unless My MiniNetwork drops off the face of the earth. PBS is the only network with the guts and senses to continue this service of providing quality children's entertainment. Please thank them for it.

WordGirl airs weekdays on PBS, check your local station for times and info.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/15/09

The Tie: Purple with navy dots.

Number 5: Oh, here we gooooooo. On his anything but telling the truth starring Ayatollah Dickcheney tour, House speaker Nancy Pelosi showing the non existance of enhanced interrigation techniques waterboarding via lies. Meanwhile, CIA boss Leon Panetta defends the agency but what about Bob Graham? Meanwhile, Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO) said that while CIA agents lie around the world, the tune changes when they face Congress. So who's telling lies to whom? Ask Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) the minority leader of the House and we'll never know. The Obama administration is staying far away from it. So Richard Wolffe, will the real whomever is saying this PLEASE stand up (so you can be arrested)? And then Prof. Jonathon Turley joins us on how many different ways the Adolph XLIII Gestapo broke the laws.

Number 4: Meanwhile, 57% of Republican insiders wants Ayatollah Dickcheney, the Herr Goebles of the Adolph XLIII Gestapo want him to do everyone a favor and please... SHUT... THE FUCK... UP! Stay off the stage for the next ten years as it were, so Chris Cillizza, who's going to hold the door and kick Cheney's ass en route to the egress?

Oddball: TheInanitFiles@gmail.com Update: Twenty-three days since Inanity's waterboarding statement for charity, and still nothing. Coming from the land Down Under where women glow and men chunder is a video of kangaroos trying to escape the horrors of Pirate Murdoch, Arrrrrrr! And the Phillies were at the White House (see below for more information).

Still Bushed!: 3 - Daddy, What Did You Do In jail During The Bailout?: David Millard, the guy who moved fed pension monry to stocks may soon be getting a job in the big house. 2 - Turdblossom was testifying about the Attorney firings. 1 - Of the 241 military tribunals that were scheduled, only 20 will be tried with new rules.

Number 3: The protests at Notre Dame over President Obama's graduation speech to the Class of '09 was much ado about nothing especially when compared to, say, hiring a Prodestant football coach (Ara Parsegian) or a Jewish football coach (Lou Holtz) winning three of the last four National Mythical College Football Championships compared to abortion and stem cell research, but 60% are in favor of the commencement address, and Cardinal Francis George forgot Adolph XLIII speaking in 2001. Dr. Patrick Whelan, the head of Catholic Democrats, is her to answer those hard questions.

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World)
Bronze - The Drudge Report is now prohibited in the Federal offices in Mass.
Silver - Billo The Clown slams Prof. Jonathon Turley for going to "the dark side".
Gold - Michael Weinersavage now had his lawyers go to Hilary Clinton to get reinstated in Great Britain after calling her "a Nazi". Two Words for the former disgruntled NBCUniversal employee: ROTSA RUCK! Oh, and Mr. Pot, Ms. Kettle, Mr. Black. I beleive you know one another...

Number 1: For tonight's WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!?! moment, we look at what would happen is the State of Texas became a Republic again, like NFL franchises save for the Cowboys, American League baseball teams, NBA franchises and NHL organ-eye-zay-thons travelling to THREE different countries, the loss of Electorial College votes NASA's Johnson Space Center, hurricane relief and other stuff. Has anyone suggested that Gov. Rick Perry (R) needs a frontal lobomoty bad enough?

Well, I promised two weeks ago that Word Girl story, but I will have time this weekend to cover that up for you. No, really I will...

The World F. Champions Meets The President of the United States of America

Last month, the Phightin' Phillies were supposed to meet President Obama at The White House, but as we all remember, the passing of Harry Kalas one day earlier postponed the event. So today (5/15) the victors got the spoils. Additionally, they would have been the first team to be at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but due to the tragic circumstances, were beaten by the UConn Huskies women's basketball team and the North Carolina Tar Heels men's hoopsters (of whom the term "Barack-etology" meant something.) Technically, they did become the first professional team to be honored under President Obama, the Steelers - his favorite football team - is next for winning Super Bowl Ex-El-Eye-Eye-Eye.

And in the tradition as old as time, the most famous Chicago White Sox fan recieved a Opening Night gold-trimmed jersey (pictured on the left) and an autographed baseball, plus being born in Hawai'i, he got to do a one-on-one with Shane Victorino. He later joked to Jimmy Rollins that he wanted one of those gaudy World Series rings as well.

Countdown Live Blog: 5/14/09

The Tie: Maroon with those funky octagon dots.

Number 5: Well, well, well... Another smoking gun discovered via House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the Adolph XLIII administration and the CIA on all that waterboarding, all that torture, and they lied to misleading her in briefings. Meanwhile, The Good Oldboysandgirls Party are taking the side of the lawbreakers (and out-and-out liars). Former Sen Bob Graham (D-FL) accused the CIA of having not met on teirn record keeping, and had no idea on any subject. Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) was shocked, but said Pelosi's a lair. So Howard Fineman, what records of the briefings are available for you?

Number 4: Wait, it's getting worse: The Ayatollah Cheney delivered the first known waterboarding case order on an Iraqi POW on wether Saddam Hussein was connected with Osama bin Laden. This from former NBC investigative reporter Robert Wyndrem. The POW, a high security guard, realized it doesn't work. Jack Rice, the former CIA agent, puts this in focus.

As for the declassifacation of the torture notes, President Obama denied that because it's in another case.

Oddball: It has been 22 days since Inanity's waterbaording for charity challenge. Help out by making a contribution at TheInanitFiles@gmail.com. Another mistaken mother in animal husbandry, this time Josie the goat if milking a horse. In Rock Hill, SC, twenty-eigfht drummers did a drum roll for over 27 hours.

Still Bushed!: 3 - Daddy, What Did You Do In Jail During The Bailout: Take the bailout money or else to 19 banks. 2 - Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) gets the whole mess of Gitmo. 1 - David Rose of Vanity Fair said that the Sunni insurgance in 2007 coulda happened three years earlier but was stopped by The Pentagon, The State Department and The White House. Especiall;y Paul Wolfkawitz's comments that they were "Nazis".

Number 3: Shanna Moakler, Miss USA 1997, Playboy's Miss December 2001, and the former Mrs. Travis Barker (drummerof Blink 182) resigned this week as director of Miss California USA because of Carrie Prejean being kept by the Donald because of her anti-gay marriage stance. We covered that in the WTF Moment on Tuesday (5/12), but here comes Miss Wasalia 1984, who doesn't think that Miss Universe organization agrees with the far left. Tina Fey's Evil Twin Sister said she relates to being attacked by the far left. And Hilary and Obama had different views of marriage, so Margaret Carlson, what the heck's going on here?

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)
Bronze - Billo The Clown again pedals the hate card.
Silver - Prof. Harold Hill made a comment of exhaling as polution.
Gold - Michael Leahy has as problem with paying taxes...and he is the founder of the Tea Party movement!

Number 1: And those WPitW winners all pale in comparison to this little note: When another "blog" says you're using your mother's death as an excuse to explode at your bosses, then and only then it becomes the WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!? Moment. Here's the video.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

This is gettin' kinda nutty around here, but I'll catch you tomorrow.

There's No Teabagging in Football...

The Great Teabagger himself, Greg Paulus, has announced he's intending to be a quarterback at Syracuse. After four years at Duke, he won't be able to do this on the Carrier Dome field.

This also salutes Tea Party 2.0 online by the far right wing nutjobs...

Countdown Live Blog: 5/13/09

The Tie: Blue, black and silver stripes.

Number 5: Mr. A. Nonymous under sworn testimony said that all the information was given before enhanced methods of interrigation waterbaording, and President Obama reverses course on photos over what happened in Torture Country. Meanwhile, the next memo from Phil Zelkow, a former State Department assistant to be declassified will have more info. Sen. Lidsay Graham (R-SC) was taken back by Ali Supan (Mr. A. Nonymous himself) on said pre-waterboarding and the mastermind of the 9/11 before Blackwater Xe squadron came on the harsh techniques. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), chairman of the Senate subcommitee that hosted the hearings, has taken the Acelia to join Keith in the studio ad deliver the talking points. And Richard Wolffe responds to the question "Will the Ayatollah Dickcheney go on TV again to refute this?"

Number 4: The Evil Twin Sister of Elizabeth Santamatina Fey, Miss Wasila 1984, has raided the booty of Pirate Rupert Murdoch (Arrrrr!) for a six-to-seven figure deal to write her memoir. Spring of 2010 is the date when HarperCollins (owned by NewsCorpse) for the book in questions by keeping personal journals. Shannyn Moore from HuffPo.com delivers the comments from Anchorage. My proposed Title: Hou I Made Rich Lowry Horny.

Oddball: Your daily waterboarding charity update brought to you by TheInatitFund@gmail.com: Three weeks and all is not well with Inanity. Now there's a brassiere that hunts down potential husbands in Tokyo. THANK GOD I AM SINGLE! In Tel Aviv, the strongwomen in Israel's truck Pull, empty trucks. And in Budapest, Hungary, a 30,000 egg omlette was served.

Best Persons: 3 - The AT&T Building cleared leftover food in San Jose cleaning it all. 2 - Craig Williams of Hollyhill, Florida was ratted out by the guy who was going to buy some pot. 1 - An accused drug dealer in a chase pulled into a Taco Bell for one last burrito.

Musical Segue: One More For The Road.

Number 3: The daily White House media debriefing was interrupted by someone having their cell phone ring. Press secratary Robert Gibbs was asked a question by Jake Tapper of ABC was being interrupted by someone from a web site called Current Events was trying to get in incoming call and all hilarity broke loose. The phone was taken away, but aother phone rings, this from Bill Plante of CBS News. Plante left the room, and this video is funny ha-ha.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Still Bushed!: 3 - I can't get any sleep. More fun with enhanced interragation torture. 2 - Ayatollah Dickcheney according to one senator has had enough of Herr Goebles' interviews. The person? Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) 1 - And there's not enough water in Iraq with overtreated water. It's enough to make you sick.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)
Bronze - Gary Bauer, quotes AP on philisophical views on torture.
Silver - New Fixed Noise producerstalker comes to a new low over Janeane Garofalo.

Gold - See the post below ("'Oh, Here We Go... Again Again!") for the winners.

Number 1: So lemme see if I have this straight. The Good Oldboysandgirls Party, the party of "No" wants to have the Democratic Party changed to the Democrat Socalist Party. Whiskey...Tango...Foxtrot!? This from Roger Simon of Politico.com, this eight years after calling them the Democrat Party. Take Donald Trump and cross it with OctoManny. I'll let Keith explain...

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Speaking of socalism (as in social notice), I will see you tomorrow.

"Oh, Here We Goooooooo..." Again Again!

Just when we all thought that were were finished with the remains of the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge/Dictionary of Perversion inspired humor from April 15th, look at what's next for all the scatalogical teenage horny toadies...

I Smell "Oddball" In This Asshat's Future

Last night at Forty-Percent-Owned-by-Your-Federal-Government-at-Work Field, we had our first streaker sighting (via Keith's Sports Journal):



I'm laying 1-to-9 odds Mr. Olbermann will have this tonight in Oddball. Now, if someone out there plays Ray Stevens' "The Streak" to this footage, you will have eternal plus infinity from everyone here!

Countdown Live Blog: 5/12/09

(Guest posted by JFein from Fire Andy Reid Now!)

Hi all! And just as a little heads-up and what to look for tonight, last night, both O'Reilly and Sean Hannity ran an interview with Jeaneane Garofalo on her comments made last week calling EVERY PERSON who took part on tea parties were racists. Fox had a stalker/producer (Griff Jenkins, the nerdly one) interview her and she stood by idiotic statements that she made on Countdown a few weeks ago. Keith would be wise NOT to touch those attacks. Keith's in! Let's get this thing started!

Ooh! A new feature, tonight! The WTF Moment!

The tie: Red with white spots.

Number 5: Dick Cheney has apparently cleared Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The Republican plan of targetting Pelosi, scaring her into not investigating torture or else she herself will get investigated for how much she knew is not working out. And there are errors with the briefing and briefing summary that claims that Pelosi was involved. And Dick Cheney does not know if Nancy Pelosi was briefed about the waterboarding and enhanced interrogation. And damn, Niel Cavuto sure does ask long questions. Howard Fineman joins us with more. On the briefings and torture. Not Cavuto's questions.....

Tomorrow morning is the date of the first public hearings on the legalization of torture by the Bush Administration. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), the Judiciary Subcommittee chairman is on to answer Keith's questions.

Off-topic, but the Bruins are beating the Hurricanes 2-1 in a must win for Carolina. It was 2-0 Boston but the Canes got a goal back in the 2nd. And seeing as he is there, JC knows this all too well right now, but the Phils and Dodgers are currently tied at 2 in the bottom of the 4th. GO PHILLIES!!!

Number 4: Florida Governor Charlie Crist is going to be running for Senate, instead of not running for governor again. And he has been endorsed by Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell. And Comedian Boss Limbaugh can't be happy as Governor Crist is what they like to call bi-partisan. Will he be rejected and attacked by Republicans like Mitt Romney was? Eugene Robinson tries to tackle that question.

It's now 3-1 Boston. Savard got the 3rd goal for the Bs. And the Phils have taken the lead! 4-2 still in the bottom of the 4th.

Oddball: It's been 20 days since Hannity promised to be waterboarded, 19 since Keith's deal, and 18 of silence. And last night Hannity asked, "What would be worse, wishing an American citizen who has a different point of view that his kidneys fail or to waterboard a terrorist?". The cool Japanese kickass robot of the week is a teacher in Tokyo named Saya. And in L.A. a baggage container got caught in an engine.

Best Persons: 3 - Some guy in Wisconsin stole some Wisky but he also filled out a raffle ticket with name and address in and put it in a box that was just emptied. 2 - A fake Sheriff County's deputy pulled over an actual sheriff's deputy and a chase (and as mentioned at fark.com, hilarity) ensued. 1 - Kailash Sing has 7 girls and wanted a boy so he stopped bathing. He made this vow three and a half decades ago. Don't fear, though, he cleans himself by standing on one leg near a bonfire, smokes marijuana to get clean and he prays to Shiva. Indeed, a suitable replacement. You would never know the difference....

Number 3: A back up shuttle is being made in case the Hubble Telescope is destroyed while it is being repaired. The Hubble is having many, many problems and they hope that the repairs will get it to last 5-more years. Derrick Pitts of the Franklin Institute tells us more about a subject that is already way over my head. I'm a history guy, not a science one. I surely massacred the story in the recap above. But back to history for a second, Bill O'Reilly was not as wrong as Olbermann and JamesCraven claimed he was last night. Just as an example, Churchill wanted to use poison gas in 1940 in retaliation to the Germans but he had to be talked out of it by the Royal Air Force. And just because the poison gas is not lethal, isn't this kind of just like waterboarding in a way, in that it was used to torture. I'm not a Nazi appeaser or sympatheizer, but facts are facts and O'Reilly was closer to them then Keith and Obama were in regards to this matter.

Number 2 (Worst Persons in the World)
Bronze - Harold Jackson and William K. Marrino of The Philladelphia Inquirer. Apparently they hired John Yoo who they believed was no more than a freelance writer. Will Bunch says he's knowledgeable on legal subjects. Huh??? He's being investigaed! At least he's a Philadelphian.
Silver - Eric Bollin of the Fixed Going Out of Business Network. His list of a baseball line-up includes Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) as a catcher. Too much frat-house, humor?
Gold - Greta von Sustern does not approve of ambush journalism. AND SHE WORKS FOR FIXED NOISE CHANNEL?!?!?!?

Number 1, The WTF!?! Moment: She was speaking of a war between God and Satan in her mind as she spoke her opinion on gay marriages. She did not want to succumb to the devil so she spoke her mind when Perez Hilton asked her that question. And where was this holy spirit when she had all those semi-naked photos taken her. And wait, she was "punished" for what she said??? And no Carrie, the your grandfather did not fight for her freedom of speech. Miss USA has nothing to do with the government taking away your freedoms. All the breeches of contract she had and she still has the Miss California title. And yet she still feels like she was being punished. WHAT THE.....?!?

Hopefully I did you proud again, JC. I tried. Really.

Good night and good luck.

NOTE from JC: The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment. I like that as a semi infrequent segment.

So Today Just So Happens To Be The Day My Laptop Tells Me To F*** Off.

(Guest Posted by JFein from Fire Andy Reid Now!)

Naturally, the day that I am supposed to fill in for JC tonight, is the day where my internet does not seem to be working on my laptop (I'm on the family CPU right now where the internet does work but there is no TV in the room). It occasionally starts working and stops working at random times like this, so hopefully I'll be able to get it working, if not then this day will be epic fail. I won't be around tomorrow for a "plausibly live" blog tomorrow morning, either.

Blogger has a feature where you can schedule at what time a select post is up so I will have up open threads at around that time for the NHL and NBA Playoffs at 7 and 8 respectively (I'm going to get that set up right after I finish this), but if my internet is not working, I won't be posting in those threads either.

Let's hope for the best. If I get it working, I'll post an update in this thread, if there is no update by 8 PM ET, then you can safely assume that the internet is not fixed and there is no Countdown live blog tonight. Sorry. :-(

Update (2:02 PM): IT WORKS! For now, at least. If I have any more problems, I'll let you know via the family CPU. But if this is the last update that is visible at 8 PM, then you can safely assume that we're back on for the live blog! YAY!

The Future Mrs. Olbermann Gets a Job at The Weather Channel

The future Mrs. Keith Olbermann will be chasing tornados for the next few weeks over on The Weather Channel.

Katy Tur, Keith's fiance who just happens to be pictured on the left-hand side of this story, comes over from WPIX-TV in The Big Apple and will work on TWC's Vortex program for the next five weeks. BTW, TWC and MSNBC are partially owned by NBC Universal, thus your legal note du jour.

It should be pointed out that Ms. Tur is 28 years of age, and Keith is 50. If a female looking for a younger man is called a "cougar", what would older men dating younger ladies be called, lucky?

Countdown Live Blog: 5/11/09

The Tie: Light blue stripes.

Number 5: Herr Goebles plans to throw Adolph Bush XLIII under the bus. New intel, and ratting out Adolph XLIII in this round. A 2004 CIA Inspector General memo will be removed, but much of it is out with censorship worthy of Soviet Union gestapo. Dick was on Face The Nation speaking on the honorable way on holding the Geneva Convention hopstage. Prof. Jonathon Turley reads the tealeaves.

Number 4: Given a pick between Gen. Colin Powell (USA, Ret.) and Comedian Boss Limbaugh, Herr Cheney Goebles chose de facto GOP leader Limbaugh. And he returned the favor today, while Sen. John McCain, the non-winner of the 2008 Presidential election (R-AZ) said the Good Oldboysandgirls Party has room for moderates so as long as the leaders don't moderate, correct Eugene Robinson?

Oddball: TheInanitFund@gmail.com Update: Ninteen days and counting since Inanity made the statement on waterboarding himself for charity. The silence is deafening... To save money on gas, a new race car in England is scheduled to run on chocolate. Sweet! And at Shitty Field, Baba Booey, Howard Stern's producer threw out the first pitch Saturday...right at the umpire.

Best Persons: 3 - Carrie Prejean breached the contract on Miss California USA and will be decided by Donald Trump. She'll be fired and then be forced to be on the next Celebrit Apprentice. 2 - Al Perkins stole $3,100 in cash but left his wallet at the bank on the teller's counter. Nice move, Al. 1 - Karta the Orangutan made an attempt to escape from the German Zoo she was in, but didn't.

Musical Segue: The Animals' "We Gotta Get Outta This Place".

Number 3: Once again, Billo the Clown steps on the rakes that is World War II history. This time, defending the Nazis, defaming Winston Churchill. Oh, President Obama was correct. Video below for you history buffs.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Number 2 (Worst Person in the World, Connect The Dots With Pirate Rupert Edition)

Bronze - Richard Johnson of the Page Six of One of new York's Finest Newspapers takes a shot at NBC, which is Luke Rupert's happening. BTW, that vanity paper down 21% in circulation.

Silver - Newt Gingrich went on Fixed Noise Sunday to suggest terrorist on welfare, and says waterboarding was not illegal.

Gold - Brain Kilmeade, ex-sportscaster on Fixed and Fiends, said that in a discussion on The DaVinci Code, Angels and Demons said even if Gallelo was innocent on hericy, he would have dies anyway. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot alert!

Number 1: In case you missed the annual White House Corospondents' Association clusterfuck mas grande annual dinner and Dean Martin Memorial Roast (mostly because Keith was there in person as seen in the May 10 post), here's the best zingers from Shecky Obama (opening this weekend at The Bethesda Chuckle Hut) and guest star Wanda Sykes. Especially that Boss Limbaugh 20th hijacker line, right Richard Wolffe? Your video is here.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Quick reminder, JFein's here tomorrow night unless that Shuster fellow fills in, then all bets are off. Speaking of going off, time to watch WWE RAW.

Wanda, We Have An Offer On The Table To Help Out...

Since Inanity still hasn't responded to the waterboarding request for charity, Wanda Sykes pointed this out on Saturday night (5/9) at the White House Corespondents' Dinner, starting at the 4:30 mark including Keith's response:

If you really want to help us out Ms. Sykes, please make a donation per second to TheInatitFiles@gmail.com, and we won't have to worry about that middle seat in coach. BTW, why couldn't MSNBC asfford to have more than one camera at the event while C-SPAN had three?