The Retro Sugar-Filled Sodapop Sarah Palin Bridge to Nowhere Between Games Show Live Blog

Now that the J-E-T-S JETS! JETS!! JETS!!! advanced 24-14 over the Cincinnati Bungles, and oh lord, Charles Barkley's back in 8-G.  That's terrible. T-R-B-L, terrible.

Sorry about the bad Frank Calliendo impression.  Meanwhile, the Pete Carroll update: Late Monday night for the any signing.

You enjoy Philly-Dallas and I'll watch something else.

Your Five Dollah Favrelong Pre-Wild Card Saturday FNiA Live Blog

Yes, it's Wild Card Saturday, let's get this started!

So, who'd thought Joe Theismann would be back in the broadcast booth?  ESPN should have never broken up him and The Randomness That Is Mike Patrick for Monday Night Football.  Theismann, Patrick and Jon Gurden would have been a great team, nothing against Mike Tirico.  Seriously, George Bodenheimer is a dick.  Familiarity breeds contempt much?

Meanwhile, Pete Carroll to Seattle is all but done according to everyone.  Look for someone else to be at Southern California, like Jack Del Rio, who might beat the Jaguars to LaLaLand.  Buffalo was impressed with Leslie Frazier (Minnesota defensive coordinator) so much, he's the leader in the clubhouse.  Bill Cowher, the Sergeant Slaughter of coaching (look at his jaw for reference) is still on the course.



And Charles Barkley is in the studio.  That's terrible. T-R-B-L, terrible.

See you between games.

Football Night in America Live Blog 1/3/10: Ultimate Playoff Seeding Week

So here's the deal with tonight's game:  The New York Jets win, they're in the post season and the New England Patriots will be the #3 seed, but if Cincinnati wins, they get that third seed and the Houston Texans are in the playoffs.

49ers 28, Rams 6: The Rams are now on the clock. Had they lost to Motown, Jim Rome is Burninating would have celebrated two years straight imperfection.

Bears 38, Lions 23: The Lions will pick second (and in the tradition as old as time, opt to pick a wide receiver).

Falcons 20, Bucs 10: The Bucs will select third, but without coach Raheem Morris next season?

Browns 23, Jaguars 17: Jags slim hopes were snuffed out by Cleveland. Will Eric Mankini be snuffed out of his job tomorrow by Mike Holmgren?

Bills 30, Colts 7: Did you know it was snowing in Buffalo? Curtis Painter is NOT an NFL quarterback.  He belongs in the XFL. Or the UFL.  Or the USFL.  Or the WFL.

Panthers 23, Saints 10: There was a Mark Brunell sighting...and the Saints lose three in a row after a 13-0 start.  No team has ever won the Super Bowl after three straight losses in their regular season final weeks.

Vikings 44, Midgets 7: Get a roll of stamps Giants and mail it in!  You were outscored in your last two games, 89-16! If you wish to apply for the defensive coordinator position with the Giants, contact the New York Football Giants c/o Timex Performance Center, East Rutherford, NJ 07073.

Texans 34, Pats 27: Belecheat played another QB not named Tom Brady, and Wes Welker could be done for the season.  Thus the reason they lost.

Steelers 30, Dolphins 24: Pat White was drilled badly helmet-to-helmet but left with all parts intent; however with the results to follow, both teams were eliminated.

Titans 17, Seabags 13: Chris Johnson is a beast, breaking a record for the most yards from scrimmage in a season and the sixth 2,000 yard rusher. Passed O.J. Simpson for the fifth spot of 2,003 yards, more than 400 of them planted by Mark Furman.

Chargers 23, Deadskins 20: Yes, there was a Billy Volek sighting. Yes, Jim Zorn will be fired.

Packers 33, Cardinals 7: Rematch next week. Sunday (1/10) at 4:30 PM. That howling you hear from los Angeles was Ed Goren in shocking disbelief.

Ravens 21, Raiders 13: The Ravens are in the post season and the Super Bowl XLIII champions are out. Kickoff at 1 PM next Sunday (1/10)

Chiefs 44, Broncos 24: Kyle Orton choked away the Broncos' playoff hopes with more picks than an overworked orchard worker with Tourette's Syndrome.

Cowboys 24, Beagles 0:  There.  I said it.  Beagles choked.  Rematch? It's next Saturday (1/9) at Crazy Jerry's House of Discount HDTVs at 8 PM on NBC.

Okay, let's watch this big game at once and see who's in the last spot.

UPDATE: J-E-T-S--JETS!  JETS!!  JETS!!! A 37-0 rock shutout (the Bungles never arrived) in the Giants Stadium finale will have a third rematch on the schedule Saturday (1/9) at 4:30 PM on NBC.

Football Night in America Live Blog 12/27/09: Week 16, Elimination Sunday

Elimination Sunday in the NFL.  Also, perfection ruined.

On Christmas night, the San Diego Chargers eliminated the Tennessee Titans 42-17.  So what about the ultimate Sunday of 2009?

Browns 23, Raiders 3.

Falcons 31, Bills 3: The less said about these two, the better.

Buccaneers 20, Saints 17 (OT): The Bucs won two in a row, eliminating them from the Number One Draft Pick contest.

Bengals 17, Chiefs 10: Bengals clinch the AFC North Central. (Sorry, I am a traditionalist.)

Packers 48, Seabags 10: All we need to say is get the roll of stamps, mail it in and we have a mashed-up bag of Liz Hasselbeck's brother-in-law... Oh, by the way, Packers wrap a wild card.

Panthers 41, Giants 9: Last Giants game at their self-named stadium and they choked. Roll that Beautiful World's Smallest Violin footage!




Pats 35, Jags 7: Pats take AFC East, but Jags are on life support.  Speaking of life support...

Texans 27, Dolphins 20: And the play calling of Tony Soprano made Rich Kotite look like a fucking genius!

Steelers 23, Ravens 20: The Steelers go to Miami next week, Houston hosts New England and the Jags visit Cleveland.

49ers 20, Lying Downs 6.

Cardinals 31, Lambs 10: With Tampa's win, Commissioner Roger Goodell makes it official: The St. Louis Lambs are now on the clock and clinch the number one draft pick.

Jets 29, Colts 15: Don Shula has popped the cork on that bottle of champagne, and Mercury Morris can rest for another year.  The 1972 Miami Dolphins remain was Curt Henning was: PERFECT.

Eagles 30, Broncos 27: Davis Akers' 28-yard FG with four ticks left made the Eagles escape after leading 20-3 at recess.

So enjoy Dallas-Washington, aka CUPCAKE CITY BAY-BEE!

UPDATE: Dallas won 17-0.  This means winner of Eagles-Cowboys will win the NFC East...and, if the Minnesota Favres slip up, get a bye.  That game moves to 4:15 PM EST, and the Bengals-Jets becomes the last game of the season, and the last game at Giants Stadium period at 8:20 PM.

Football Night in America Live Blog 12/20/09: Week 15

First, my computer gave me the VMF.  Second, Thursday night (12/17), Indianapolis needed a late 4th quarter TD to beat Jacksonville, 35-31, and Saturday (12/19), the Saints chance on perfection was ruined by Dallas, finally winning a game in a month starting with either a "D" or a "J", 24-17.

Browns 41, Chefs 34: For the first time since the Carter Administration, the good people of Kansas City did not see a Chiefs home game because the local TV station became a Scrooge and refused to buy the rest of the tickets. The way they've been playing, nobody noticed.

Texans 16, Lambs 13: Houston still alive for the playoffs for now.

Cardinals 34, Lions 27: Beanie Wells once again broke hearts in Michigan.

Pats 17, Bills 10: Not much to say about this game...

Falcons 10, Jets 7: Falcons play for pride after Dallas' win Saturday (12/19), and hurts Jets' playoff hopes.

Titans 27, Dolphins 24 (OT): A valiant group of seafaring mammals fell short thanks to Rod Bironas' walkoff FG.

Ravens 31, Bears 7: Write your Jay Cutler jokes about interceptions here along with Frosty the Snowman.

Yuccaneers 24, Seabags 7: More Liz Hasselbeck brother-in-law gags, please. Bucs play themselves out of #1 pick next April...for now.

Raiders 20, Broncos 17: The Broncos choked this game away... and... wait for it...

Eagles 27, 49ers 13: The Eagles clinch a playoff spot, while the Cards win the NFC West.

Steelers 37, Packers 36: Mike Wallace caught a TD pass from Big Ben after 60 minutes (and a video review) and Jeff Reed walks off with the extra point win.  Both Ben and Aaron Rogers threw for a combined 800-plus yards.

Chargers 27, Bengals 24: An emotional roller coaster of a week for the Bengals with the late Chris Henry passing away ends with Nate Keating's FG from 52 yards and the AFC West title for the Bolts.

That should have been the game tonight, but it's Brett Favre = Ratings ^TM against Carolina.  I'll have something to say about that this week.

The Federally Mandated Update: The Panthers shocked the Vikings 26-7.

Football Night in America Live Blog 12/13/09: Week 14

Only 12 shoplifting days left until Christmas.  For two teams, there still is perfection.  For the Cleveland Browns, they have played themselves out of the top draft pick next April with a 13-6 win over Pittsburgh as stated below in the Week 14 NFL Live Blog.  As for Sunday...

Bills 16, Chefs 10: Ho hum, another long winter in Kansas City.

Texans 45, Seabags 7: Boom goes the dynamite by Brenard Pollard.

Ravens 45, Lying Downs 3: Safe cheerleading on the sidelines.

Acme Packing Company 21, Decatur Staleys 14: Oldest Rivalry in pro football continues.

Jets 26, Suckaneers 3: The Bucs are now on the clock as we speak.

Dolphins 13, Jags 10: See, Jacksonville, they don't see this on TV!

Pats 20, Panthers 10: Carolina had a lead...and then they played the second half.

Vikings 30, Bengals 10: The Brett Favres have clinched a playoff spot.

And now for the unbeaten segment of the program...

Colts 28, Broncos 16: Brandon Marshall is officially out of the Sean McDaniels doghouse with the breaking of TO's 20 catch game a few years ago, but Jim Caldwell gets the win.

Saints 26, Falcons 23: Next for N'Awlins, Dallas.  Next for Indy: Jacksonville, which will be a sellout. Both on the NFL Network.  Sorry, kids, that's the joke.

Redskins 31, Raiders 17: The JaMarcus Russell must go down and must go down hard.

Titans 47, Lambs 7: Vince Young was hurt.  KERRY COLLINS SIGHTING!

Chargers 20, Cowboys 17: Remember, the Cowboys never play well in months that start with either a "D" or a "J".

Enjoy the Eagles-Giants.  I have Christmas shopping to do.

UPDATE: In what was described by a Denver writer as this game was not flexed out as "a boring game", the Eagles now own the top of the NFC East after a 45-38 win over the Giants.  However, both trent Cole and a Giant were tossed for swapping punches on the field.

Football Night in America Live Blog 16/6/09: Lucky Week 13

The Lucky Week 13 of the 2009 NFL Season began on Thursday when at SkyDome (sorry Mr. Rogers) in Toronto, the New York Jets were rude visitors to the Buffalo Bills, 19-13.  As for Sunday...

Please don't cry...

And don't even do this...

We have it all for you. Ask our friend J. Pierpoint Comcast, the new owner to be of Football Night in America's rights.

Panthers 16, Buccaneers 6: I had the same number of INTs as Jake Delhomme.

Bears 16, Lambs 9: Write your own jokes.

Broncos 41, Chefs 13: Yeah, that bad.

Jaguars 23, Texans 18: Jags are still in the wild card hunt.

Bengals 23, Lying Downs 13: Get Chad Johnson, he's Zorro.

Eagles 34, Falcons 7: No Matty Ice, no chance for Atlanta as Vick had a TD run and a TD pass.

Colts 27, Titans 17: So, where was Vince Young parked?  In the team bus.

Raiders 27, Steelers 24: The Super Bowl champions have now lost four in a row.  John Goodman was happy.

Dolphins 22, Patriots 21: Tom Brady had a bad finger which Ricky Williams had a medical solution in the game flexed out for Vikings-Cardinals.  That was until Dan Carpenter kicked a field goal with 62 seconds left.

Seahawks 20, 49ers 17: So what's it like working with Keith?  Ask Homer, who might be back in SEA.

Chargers 30, Brownies 23: Jim Brown making a comeback?  He was at the game.

Saints 33, Redskins 30 (OT): The Redskins had a chance until Robert Meachum had a case of premature jocularity and Sean Squeeze'em blew it.  Boom goes the dynamite, and boom goes the Garret Hartley field goal, and we can flex out Cowboys-Redskins next week.

Giants 31, Cowboys 24: Speaking of Jerry's Kids, their farewell to Giants Stadium will not be remembered fondly.

Enjoy the flexfest of Warner and Favre.

UPDATE: Favre loses his second game of the year, 30-13.

No FNiA Live Blog This Week; We'll Give You a Recap of Week 12, Though

So there was this Japanese Pop Culture convention this past weekend (and no, Justin, this was not my excuse for missing the Redskins-Eagles game or my lack of being online for the RedZone watch this week) and hence no Football Night in America live blogging because the Sunday events ran a little late.... Like about two hours.

So before I do the recap of this Sunday's (11/29) games for you, here's what the NFL served up on Thanksgiving (11/26).  Yup, three more games that were turkeys.

Packers 34, Lions 12: Let the debate begin on wether or not Detroit deserves their annual game because the team sucks.  They actually led at one point 7-0, though.

Cowboys 34, Raiders 7: Let the debate continue on why the NFL should have placed the Chargers in this prestigious game instead of a Raiders team that is pathetic as they are.

Broncos 26, Giants 6: And let the debate start on Josh McDaniels cursing out his team on the sidelines when NFL Networks had live mikes and a magic 13-letter word to the OTA channels in New York and Denver.

And now, the Sunday games in order of start time and importance.

Sea! HAWKS! 27, Lambs 17: Too bad the good people of the Gateway City didn't see this game due to the blackout rules and only 47,500 fans (if you can call them that) showing up.

Bengals 16, Poor Brownies 7: Eric Mankini will be fired.  We're taking odds right now on the date and time this will happen.

Jets 17, Panthers 6: Jake Delhomme threw four more interceptions.  If I was the coach in Carolina, he just earned the demotion to third string mop up clipboard and baseball cap duty.

Bills 31, Dolphins 14: It was 14-7 Miami in the fourth quarter and then the Bills finally arrived with a 24-point explosion capped by T.O.'s 51-yard catch from Ryan Fitzpatrick.  And the Dolphins looked like a big old mashed up bag of Miami Vice DVDs. (Sorry, Justin.)

Falcons 20, Buccaneers 17: Quoting sages "Good teams find a way to win games, bad teams find a way to lose them." Matty Ice was hurt with a toe injury, so Chris Redman takes the W for him in this one.

Colts 35, Texans 27: The Houstonians actually led this game at recess 20-7.  Peyton Manning showed up for the second half, though and made the Colts 11-0.

Eagles 27, Redskins 24: Washington lead 24-16 with 11:45 left in regulation.  Then Jim Zorn let the team rest. Iggles then score next eleven points as David Akers (from...Louvul!) kicked the winning 32-yard field goal with 1:52 left.

Chargers 43, Chefs 14: Throwback logo in the end zones for San Diego as LaDaimlian Tomlinson climbed into the Top Ten list of all-time NFL running backs.

49ers 20, Jaguars 3: Eastern Time Zone teams continue to struggle in the Pacific Time Zone this season.  What else is new?

Vikings 36, Bears 10: Did we mention that that Favre guy was the reason next week's Patriots-Dolphins game was flexed out for Minnesota-Arizona? Da Bears were pa-thet-ic.

Titans 20, Cardinals 17: Holy 2006 Rose Bowl and Don Pardo's pants, Batman!  The Vince Young Redemption Tour resumed with a game-winning 18 play, 99-yard 2:37 that included going for it on 4th down inside their ten yard line. Kenny Britt finished the game off with the winning ten yard catch from Young beating Matt Leinart - again - and the Trojans Cardinals. Kurt Warner missed the game with a sprained neck.

In the Sunday Night contest, a game that went into bonus cantos sans Big Ben for the Pittsburgh Steelers and Charlie Batch, third string quarterback Dennis Dixon was intercepted by Paul Kruger and Billy Cundiff's 24-yard walkoff field goal gave the Baltimore Ravens a 20-17 win.  And in the 97th edition of the Grey Cup, Les Alouettes de Montreal kicker Damon Duval got a second chance on a field goal attempt which was wide left after the Saskatchewan Roughriders (not to be confused with the defunct Ottawa Rough Riders) were caught with thirteen men on the field (It's Canada, they play twelve-a-side football there) and nailed a 33-yard walkoff field goal to win the Canadian Football League championship, 28-27.  Too bad most of America didn't see that game.  Live.

Football Night in America Live Blog 11/22: Week 11

We had recapped Thursday's game in the intro to the Week 11 NFL Live Blog below, so here comes the Sunday games. And in non-football news, the loud booing you hear is Jimmie Johnson being feted as the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champion for the fourth year in a row.

Lions 38, Browns 37: It was the moveable force against the resistible object.  The pillow fight of the millennium.  The Gordon Forbes Memorial Negative Star Game of the Century.  Turned out that there was a hellava finish with a pass interference call against the Mankinis and Jason Hanson Mmmmbop'd the winning PAT.

Jaguars 18, Bills 15: There was a Terrell Owens sighting!  But the Jags won.

Vikings 35, Seahags 9:: Anyone want a used NFL team?

Saints 38, Buccaneers 7: Saints now 10-0 for the first time in history.

Chiefs 27, Steelers 24 (OT): Andy Studebaker almost had a return for a TD.  Nice move, Andy Reid! Ryan Succop with the walkoff FG in overtime after Chris Chambers took the ball to the Steelers' four.

Packers 30, 49ers 23: The better QB from the Class of 2005 was Aaron Rogers, not number one pick Alex Smith. Need more David Letterman jokes!

Indianapolis 17, Ravens 15: The new Baltimore franchise lost to the team that abandoned the city and because of that, refuses to use their name on the scoreboard at M&T Field at Crammed In Yards.  Ed Reed is an moron for forward latteraling his way to a loss.

Cowboys 7, Redskins 6: Offense was optional in this game at Crazy Jerry's House of Discount Hi Def TVs.

Giants 34, Falcons 31 (OT): Another walkoff field goal - this one by Lawrence Tynes - sends Giants fans home finally happy.

Cardinals 21, Rams 13: Kurt Warner had a concussion, left the game.  Matt Leinert had come in from his beer pong game.

Raiders 20, Bengals 17: Sebastian Janakowski made the Bengals the same old Bungles with a 33 -yard FG with 17 seconds left.

Patriots 31, Jets 13: Lee Bodden boom went the dynamite, and the Pats overcame last week's 4th-and-2-in-your-own territory gaffe.

Chargers 32, Broncos 3: This was supposed to be a close game.  This turned into a Chris Simms-Kyle Orton quarterback controversy.

You enjoy Eagles-Bears, I'll watch MLS Cup between the LA Beckhams, er, Galaxy and Real Salt Lake.

UPDATE: Believe it or not, the Eagles actually won a Sunday Night Game over Da Bears, 24-20, while in the MLS Cup final, after 120 minutes saw a 1-1 draw, Real Salt Lake took seven rounds of a shootout to beat the Galaxy, 5-4.

Football Night in America Live Blog 11/15/09: All Green. All Week. All Nice.

As Week 10 came on Thursday with the 49ers beating the Bears 10-6 thanks to five Jay Cutler completions to reshirted 49er players, the Giants and the Texans had the last bye weeks for the season.  Here now, the Sunday recaps.  Again in honor of Green is Universal Week, we're doing all green lettering.  In addition, Keith and Dan will recycle their 1997 SportsCenter jokes.

Titans 41, Bills 23: There a flag football game, and TO was pissed.  So if you picked November 15th in the "TO implodes on the sidelines" pool, congratulations!

Dolphins 25, Bucs 23: Dolphins roared back on an INT by Chad Henne and Cadillac Time Anderson, but the Fish won on a Dan Carpenter FG with five ticks to go.

Panthers 28, Falcons 19: Will the real Jason Elam please be cut tomorrow after missing a field goal?

Saints 28, Rams 25: Too close for comfort, the Breesers go to 9-0 for the first time in history.

Vikings 27, Lions 10: Next week, The Pillow Fight of the Millennium between the Brown Outs and the Lying Downs.

Jaguars 24, Jets 22: MoJo Drew ran for a touchdown and a Los Angeles Jaguar tripped over the invisible ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. Josh Scobee wins with the walkoff 20-yard FG.

Redskins 27, Broncos 17: Hunter Smith's 156.3 rating was more than enough to win this but Kyle Orton was injured late in the first half and Chris Simms was resurrected from the dead. 

Bengals 18, Steelers 12: A muffed PAT after a 96-yard TD on a kickoff return by Chris Brown was not the difference,  but the loss of Troy Palamaulu and his Head and Shoulders hair was the painful truth.

Chiefs 16, Raiders 10: Someone had to win the Pillow Fight of the Week, and Jamal Charles helped out.

Cardinals 31, Seahawks 20: They had the lead those Seahawks...and then realized they were in Arizona to play the Cardinals.

Chargers 31, Eagles 23: The game was over at halftime.  Donovan McNabb tried to make it better, but on the first anniversary of that awful tie against Cioncinnati where the game actually ended, the Birds lost.

Packers 17, Cowboys 7: Eighty-five percent of the country was tuned into this snoozefest.  In the end, Aaron Rogers beat Tony Romo.

Okay, enjoy the game of this week, Tom Brady-Peyton Manning, and next week, flexing takes effect.  Except that there will be no flexing next week.

UPDATE: In a moment that made Barry Switzer proud on 4th and 2 from their own 28, Pats coach Bill Belecheat went for it and was short.  That allowed Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts to stay unbeaten with a 35-34 win over Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.

Football Night in America Live Blog 11/8/09: Week 9

Bye weeks for the Jets, T.O., the Bills, the Browns, the Rams, the Raiders, Brett Favre and the Vikings...

Jaguars 24, Chiefs 21: MoJo Drew was a beast.  Too bad they didn't see it in Jacksonville.

Buccaneers 34, Packers 24: Ronde, the better looking Barber twin brother, returned a blocked punt for a TD and the team wearing 1979 unis won their first in the Chris Berman "Bay of Pigs" classic.  That popped cork you might have heard was the 2008 Lions celebrating last team winning.

Falcons 31, Redskins 17: DeAngelo Hall is a douchnozzle.  That is all.

Bengals 17, Ravens 7: Bengals sweep the season series.

Colts 20, Texans 17: Kris Brown shanked a 42-yard FG as time expired.  Colts still unbeaten heading into next week's showdown with New England.  Speaking of the Pats...

Pats 27, Dolphins 17: Will the real Wildcat offense please stand up?  Randy Moss kicked butt.

Cardinals 41, Bears 21: Tommy Harris went Mortal Kombat on the Arizona Cardinals and was tossed.  There went Da Bears.

Seahawks 32, Lying Downs 20: 17-0 Lying Downs and then they left the stadium...

Titans 34, 49ers 27: Vince Young was the winner over Alex Smith in Quarterback Redemption Bowl 2009.

Saints 30, Panthers 20: Saints go to 8-0.  Two unbeatens left.

Chargers 21, Giants 20: Dare we ask how Tom Cough-it-up-lin feels about this game? AND NORV TURNER'S COACHING ACTUALLY WON A GAME! Vincent Edwin Elvis Don't Call Me Bo Jackson wins it with a 18-yard catch from Phillip Rivers with eighteen ticks on the clock.

Enjoy Eagles-Cowboys.  I'll pull a Texas and El Paso.

Update: Looks like the Birds got screwed 20-16 losing a time out on a bad spot by the refs to the Cowboys.

Football Night in America Week 8 11/1: Sixty Minute Men and Judas Bowl II

It's only a sixty-minute show this week as we return to standard time, due to a baseball game between the Yankees and the Phillies, and with the added bonus of Judas Bowl II between Brett Favre and his old team, the Green Bay Packers in his old stomping grounds.  The byes this week are for the Patriots and the winless Buccaneers, the Bengals, the Steelers, the Chiefs and the Redskins, a two-touchdown dog against bye. Speaking of byes, Costas gets one, as does Alvino and Collinsworth...and Keith?

Lambs 17, Lying Downs 10: In the Gordon Forbes USA TODAY Memorial Negative Star Game of the Millennium, Saint Louis wins their first game since 1999.  Actually, November 9 of last year.

Bears 30, Browns 6: The less said the better.

Cowboys 38, Seahawks 17: The Cowboys face the Eagles next Sunday night.

Texans 31, Bills 10: TO had a 29 yard TD run, and threw his team under the bus.  This is a recording.

Colts 18, 49ers 14: More Letterman material, and Joesph Addai had more touchdown passes than Peyton Manning.  What's wrong with this picture?

Dolphins 30, Jets 25: Do not kick the ball to Ted Ginn, Jr.  DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO TED GINN, JR.!  DO NOT KICK THE BALL TO TED GINN, JR.!!! Two kickoffs returned for touchdowns (100 and 101 yards).

Eagles 40, Giants 17: Good lord it was 30-7 at halftime.  I hope the Phillies play like that tonight!

Ravens 30, Broncos 7: Was it just us or were the no-longer-unbeaten Broncos just bad after their bye week?

Chargers 24, Raiders 16: The long season continues on the East Side of the bay.

Panthers 34, Cardinals 21: Kurt Warner had fibve INTs.  Jake Delhomme didn't.

Titans 30, Jaguars 13: Vince Young starts at QB, and there were four runs of 50-plus yards for touchdowns (two by Chris Johnson, two by Maurice Jones-Drew) for the first time in NFL history.

Vikings 38, Packers 26 (Judas Bowl II): Welcome home, Brett.  man, did you have a homecoming!  Four TD passes at GB, first since 11/14/04 against the Vikings.

Enjoy Game 4 of the Series.  See you next week.

Football Night in America Live Blog 10/25: Week 7 featuring THE LONDON SILLY NANNIES!

Well the NFL played their annual London game with the New England Patriots playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, or as they were cleverly disguised as, THE LONDON SILLY NANNIES! Peter Griffin was unavailable for comment.

Elsewhere, Brett Favre lost his first game as quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings in the Steel City in the best early kickoff game of the day, we have our first quarterback controversy of the season in San Francisco in honor of Mike Singletary's first year anniversary of his dropping trou in front of the team at halftime, and the unbeaten Denver Broncos, the winless Tennessee Titans, the one-win Detroit Lions, the two-win Seattle Seahawks as well as the .500 Baltimore Ravens and Jacksonville Jaguars all had their bye weeks.  Oh, the Eagles and Redskins play on Monday night against a possible Game Seven of the Angels-Yankees ALCS, but we also had six unofficial "BYE!" weeks with blowouts.

Texans 24, 49ers 21: QBC (The Quarterback Controversy Channel) is on the air, and Alex Smith saw action for the first time since November 2007, but their rally fell short.

Packers 34, Browns 3: Pack warms up for Judas Bowl II with a laugher against the Browns.  Eric Mankini, your thoughts?

Colts 42, Lambs 6: Lambs-Lying Downs next week a zero-star Gordon Forbes USA Today classic.  Can you give negative stars for a game?

Chargers 37, Chefs 7: Vincent Edwin Eupheres Erwin Boooooo Jackson was en fuego in Kaycee.

Patriots 35, Buccaneers Silly Nannies 7: See above.  Thank you, Seth MacFarlane!



Steelers 27, Vikings 17: Keith mentions former Mess catcher Mackey Sasser, and Favre is a big mashed up bag of Favre.

Bills 20, Panthers 9: Jake Delhomme threw three more INTs.  Anyone wanna replace him with the next guy?

Jets 38, Raiders 0: Jamarcus Russell replaced by Brad Gradkowski.  QBC still on the air in Bay Area.

It was at this point my computer delivered the virtual middle finger ala Stone Cold 3:16.

Bengals 45, Bears 10: Cedirc Benson proves revenge is a dish served best cold.

Saints 46, Dolphins 34: A clutch performance from Miami.  Grab throat, clutch hard.

Cowboys 37, Falcons 21: Once again, Stone Cold Miles Austin^TM struck again.  WHAT?!^TM

Enjoy either Game 6 of the ALCS or the Cardinals-Giants game.

Update 1: Arizona beat the Giants in a non-important Sunday Nuight Football game (in New York City at least), 24-17.

Football Night in America Live Blog 10/18: Week 6

Well, let's see.  The Cowboys, Dolphins, 49ers and unbeaten Colts (who will remain unbeaten for another week) were given the bye weeks.  The Giants fell from the unbeaten, the Chiefs rose from the winless, and the Pats added a whole new reason to the term "blowout" in a blizzard Nor'Easter in Foxborough.  The Beagles?  They should not show up back in Philadelphia after their performance...

Panthers 28, Bucs 21: The WWF broke out on a punt return late in the first half, but after Delhomme got pick-sixed, D'Angelo Williams scored the winning TD with half a minute left.

Jaguars 23, Rams 20 (OT): Maurice Jones Drew scored three TDs, but Josh Scobee Scobee Doo walked off with the 36-yard FG.

Steelers 28, Browns 17: Tory Head and Shoulders returns with an INT, and Big Ben is now 10-0 against the revived Browns.

Packers 26, Lying Downs 0: The less said to Rick James Bible Owner, the better.

Chiefs 14, Deadskins 6: There was a Todd Collins sighting as he replaced Jason Campbell.  Joe Gibbs, hello?

Vikings 33, Ravens 31: A missed FG by Steven Houska gives Brett Favre a 6-0 record heading to Pittsburgh next week.  He even admitted he didn't want to play, too.

Texans 28, Bengals 17: No fourth quarter comeback, and Antwan Odam is out with an Achilles Tendon injury.

Saints 48, Giants 27: Ouch in New York City.  Drew Brees had a seersucker suit on.  Yeah, he was the sucker that bought that jacket at Sears.

Cardinals 27, Seabags 3: Sorry Mookie.  That is all.

Raiders 13, Beagles 9: I have nothing more to say about this game except this.

Patriots 59, Titans 0: Tom Brady threw for five touchdowns in the second quarter (a new NFL record) and left after halftime with Giselle for next week's game in London against the Bucs.

Bills 16, Jets 13 (OT): Ryan Lindell's walkoff 47-yarder with 3:01 left end it, and the highlights are just in uder the wire.

You enjoy Bears-Rams, I'll watch Game 3 of the NLCS with the Phillies and the Dodgers.  FUCK LA!

UPDATE: Cliff Lee pitched eight shutout innings, struckout 10 and the Phils outscored the Beagles in a 11-0 rout of the Dodgers, while the Falcons needed a last quarter stop on 4th and 6 to beat Da Bears, 21-14.

Football Night in America Live Blog 10/11: Week 5, Sponsored by the Letter "B"

Blowouts, a boring game and the 1960 Denver Broncos Uniforms:

Odds are 1:9 that Keith or Dan mentions these guys above.  Somebody at UniWatch did.

The teams that had bye week in Week 5 were the San Diego Chargers, the unbeaten New Orleans Saints, the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears.  As for the rest...

Browns 6, Bills 3: Zzzzzzzzz.

Panthers 20, Redskins 17: The Skins led this game 17-2.  Then they left the field.

Steelers 28, Lions 20: Hey, the Lions actually looked good in this one, but Big Ben, fresh off his WWE RAW DX activities, then had two words for 'em: Suck It!^TM

Vikings 38, Lambs 10: The Lambs' 1999 Super Bowl XXIV uniforms failed them.

Giants 44, Raiders 7: The less spoken to 49er16 about this game, the better.

Cowboys 26, Chiefs 20 (OT): Stone Cold Myles Austin (WHAT?!^TM) led the comeback in the 1960 Dallas Cowboys win over the 1960 Dallas Texans in Kansas City.  You mean the Cotton Bowl was unavailable?

Bengals 17, Ravens 14: The Ravens defense was overaggressive at crunch time, and the Ravens choked in the progress.

Eagles 33, Bucs 14: The Suckaneers are 1976 bad.

Seahawks 41, Jaguars 0: Liz Hasselback's brother-in-law returned, and TJ Whosyourdaddy scored twice.

Cardinals 28, Texans 21: Time wasn't on Houston's side on 4th and goal from the cards two.  Run the football?  Crazy and unworkable.

Falcons 45, 49ers 10: Again, again on Letterman. Insert "Hiking the Old Appy Trail" reference here.

Broncos 20, Patriots 17 (OT): Did we mention the awful Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory circa 1971 Oompa Loompa uniforms the Broncos wore? Did we mention that Student beat Teacher as McDaniels beat Belecheat?  Did I mention that the '60 Bronco monstrosoties were worse than the '33 Team Sweden kits the Iggles wore in '07?

Well, enjoy this Colts-Titans mismatch, as for me the Phils won't start until 10:07 PM.

UPDATE #1: Colts, as expected, blew out the Titans, 31-9.

UPDATE #2: It took forever (seemingly) but the Phillies took the lead in the sole remaining NLDS, beating Colorado 6-5 on Ryan Howard's game winning...sac fly.

Football Night in America Live Blog 10/04: Week 4 Cancelled Due to Extra Innings Baseball, SEPTA and TUIFU

First of all, my apologies for no Football Night in America Live Blog this past Sunday.

Long story short, Phillies Fan Appreciation Day game against Marlins goes 10 innings, SEPTA fucked up my schedule, e-mail connections to JFein to try to do one on his site screwed everything up because one of his e-mail addresses was broken down.  This was a TUIFU (The Ultimate in Fuck Ups) Sunday, and I didn't get home until 7:45 PM.

Okay, here's a recap of the Week Four Sunday games.  The Eagles, Atlanta, Arizona and Carolina all had the first official bye weeks on the schedule.

Texans 29, Raiders 6: Is Tom Cable better off as Raiders' coach or in the California Penal System at San Quentin?

Redskins 16, Bucs 13: Jim Zorn's job is safe for another week.  Dan Snyder had Mike Shanahan on speed dial.

Bengals 23, Browns 20 (OT): Chad Johnson (That's what I'M calling him) tied the game but the PAT was blocked; Bengals won on a Shayne Graham walkoff 31-yard field goal with four seconds left.  had he missed, Donovan McNabb would have been confused on how overtime works again!

Giants 27, Chiefs 16: Giants sweep three road games, first time since 2006 Eagles.

Colts 34, Seahawks 17: Good thing Seahags didn't wear those puke green jerseys this week.

Bears 48, Lying Downs 24: Lying Downs reverted to form this week after shocking Redskins, not even bothering to show up for the second half.  Matthew Stafford hurt himself in this game.

Jaguars 37, Titans 17: Titans have lost more games than all last year.  Jags on the door out to LA as  far as we know, all home games blacked out this year?

Patriots 27, Ravens 21: The Tom Brady Rules are now in effect, and Ray Lewis is really pissed off about it.

49ers 35, Lambs 0: Remember when this was a great rivalry...back in the 1980's?

Dolphins 38, Bills 10: Four weeks have been going by in the "When Will TO Get Angry In '09 Pool"; he came close last week.  I say midseason, and then he gets cut following the season.

Saints 24, Jets 10: The Jets looked human in the battle of the unbeatens, thanks to Darren Sharper "Image"'s 99-yard pick six of Mark "Dirty" Sanchez.

Broncos 17, Cowboys 10: Keith can't wait for next week's Pats-Broncos matchup, featuring those fuglier-than-Team Sweden 1960 Broncos unis, complete with those brown and gold Oompa Loompa vertically-striped socks.

In the Sunday night contest, the Steelers beat the Chargers, 38-24, and earning a NORVFACE!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a riot act to deliver to SEPTA that makes Dallas Green's 1980 tirade in Pittsburgh between games of a make-up doubleheader a church sermon by comparison.

Football Night in America Live Blog Week 3 (9/27)

Our long national nightmare is finally over: The Detroit Lions won a National Football League game for the first time since the year 1853.  Actually, it was December 23, 2007.  And our worst national nightmare came alive as an April Fools' Day joke on UniWatchBlog.com, Paul Lukas' excellent examination on all things that have to do with on-field athletic apparel,  became reality as the Seattle Seahawks wore lime green jerseys for the first time since the Orlando Thunder of the World League of American Football in 1994.  ZE GOGGLES!  ZEY DO NOTHING!!!

Okay, Keith and Dan are here, so let's get started.

Jaguars 31, Texans 24: The soon to be Los Angeles Jaguars won over a team dressed like Santa Claus because every day is Christmas.

Jets 24, Titans 17: Or, given the uniforms worn today Titans of New York 24, Oilers 17.

Packers 36, Lambs 17: The Rams are 0-3, easily the worst team in the NFL.

Ravens 34, Browns 3: Eric Mankini looked like a UPS delivery man.

Giants 24, Bucs 0: The Giants won on the first day since 1984 where the Giants and Jets played at the same time due to Woody Johnson's request to move Titans-Jets to 1 PM for Yom Kippur, Professor Harold Hill's the Jewish day of prayer and atonement.

Lions 19, Redskins 14: Does Redskin owner Dan Snyder have Joe Gibbs' phone number on speed dial?

Patriots 26, Falcons 10: "Holy Don Pardo's Pants, Batman!" Olbermann jokes about Tom Brady's forthcoming birth of a child with Giselle Bunchen.

Eagles 34, Chiefs 14: The boycott of yours truly on the Eagles continues on a certain dog fighting gambling magnate making his return.

Vikings 27, 49ers 24: This Favre guy's pretty good, and led the Vikings to the win thanks to Greg Lewis's catch.  Next week, The Judas meets The Packers. Let the hype begin.

Broncos 23, Raiders 3: How many feuds are the Raiders in with the media?  Denver made them look bad.  Then again, everyone looks good against the Raiders.

Bears 25, Seahawks 19: What are those green slime unis doing here?  Never again, Mr. Allen.  Please.  For the sake of all of America.  Sheild thine eyes, Interweb users:

Props to JFein at Fire Andy Reid Now!

Saints 27, Bills 7: So, Terrell Owens, your thoughts on this game please?

Bengals 23, Steelers 20: Ben Rothlesberger lost his first game in Ohio since high school.

Chargers 23, Dolphins 13: No LaDamilan Tomlinson, no big problem.for the Bolts, after a 3-3 first half tie which McNabb didn't know what to do. Chad Pennington was hurt on the shoulder.

Enjoy the Colts and Cardinals everyone.

UPDATE: Colts 31, Cardinals 10.

Football Night in America Live Blog Week 2 (9/20): Live From JerryWorld

We have the Week Two edition of Football Night in America, and John Madden will be at the game tonight as Cowboys Stadium, the $1.3 billion Taj MaJerry, opens up.  As a guest of Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones in his box, not in the broadcast booth, so in summation, don't get your hopes up for a broadcast reunion whatsoever.

Okay, Keith and Dan, take it away, please!

Raiders 13, Chiefs 10: This once great rivalry was reduced to a Kanye West rant where he took the football away.

Texans 34, Titans 31: The old Houston team lost to the new Houston team.  Chris Johnson had 284 yards total offense but still lost.

Redskins 9, Rams 7: Bore fest indeed.  The unneccessary use of violence against goalposts has been approved.

Bengals 31, Packers 24: Chad Johnson said he would leap into Lambeau's stands.  He did.

Cardinals 31, Jaguars 17: Only two point one percent of the country saw this game.  All of it was in Arizona.

Vikings 27, Lying Downs 13: Nineteen straight losses for the Jim Rome is Burninating Lying Downs.  Eight more losses needed to surpass the 0-26 Creamsicle Buccos.

Saints 48, Eagles 22: It's deep and I think it's playable.  The Beagles looked pathetic.  Norm Snead will start next week.

Falcons 28, Panthers 20: To confuse Jake Delhomme even more from last week, the Falcons wore their 1966 throwback uniforms.

Jets 16, Pats 9: In the old days, Bob would have handled the highlights on this one.  I'll bet Tiki would have had a field day on this one.

Bills 33, Bucs 20: Tampa's first visit to Buffalo was bad.  And TO made it worse.

Ravens 31, Chargers 26: Phillip Rivers had 436 yards passing, but the Ravens' defense knocked the Chargers silly.

49ers 23, Seahawks 10: GORE! GORE! GORE!  225 yards and two TDs. Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brother-in-law had bruised ribs and the Seahawks lost.

Broncos 27, Browns 6: The Browns looked awful.  Maybe it was the brown pants.  You thought those were bad, wait 'til October 11 when the Broncos wear their 1960 throwbacks, er, throwups complete with Oompa Loompa socks.

Bears 17, Steelers 14: No Palamalu, no Urlacher.  No offense, either.  Robbie Gold wins it with 15 seconds left.

Enjoy the Giants and the Cowboys and the history.

UPDATE: In front of 105,131 people, Lawrence Tynes' walkoff field goal gave the Giants a 33-31 win over the Cowboys at Jerry's Ediface Complex.

Football Night in America Live Blog Week 1 (9/13)

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends...for seventeen weeks. Alfalfa, Bob and Cris are on The Not-So-Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field. Keith and Dan forthcoming as well as Peter King and the unneeded additions of Rodney Harrison and Tony Dungy. In case you missed Thursday's curtain raiser, the Steelers walked off thanks to Jeff Reed's 33-yard field goal and a 13-10 overtime win over the Titans.

Saints 45, Lying Downs 17 - Drew Brees had six TDs. Jim Rome is Burninating rooting for another 0-16 season?

Jets 24, Texans 7 - This late word just in: Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan are that good. Ask a sober Joe Willie (and he didn't want to kiss them, either!)

Ravens 38, Chiefs 24 - Rupert, was that you at the end of the highlights?

Broncos 12, Bungles 7 - Need I say more about the tip drill to those Bungles fans?

Eagles 38, Panthers 10 - McNabb injures his ribs. It looks like Jake Delhomme will not start next week from what it looks. Lateral minbleosity?

Vikings 38, Browns 20 - Brett Favre tied Jim Marshall's all time consecutive start record. He doesn't have to throw the ball as often as he did. Adrian Peterson can do that.

Colts 14, Jaguars 12 - Jags have awful new unis. No wonder they'll move to Los Angeles soon.

Falcons 19, Dolphins 7 -Sophomore jinx? What sophomore jinx for Matt Ryan?

Cowboys 34, Bucs 21 - Freed from the shackles of Jessica Simpson Yoko Romo, Tony was wonderful in the sweltering heat in Central Florida. Ask "Stone Cold" Miles Austin. WHAT?

49ers 20, Cardinals 16 - Cards still looked awful.

Seahawks 28, Rams 0 - The Lambs still look like the Lambs.

Giants 23, Redskins 17 - In the final opener at The Swamplands I, the Giants looked like contenders in the toughest division in football.

We get a quick recap on four of the games, and that's that. Enjoy Da Bears and Da Pack, and we'll see you tomorrow.

The Update: Packers won, 21-15.

The Bus Pulling Out and The NFL Network on Comcast (Updated)

Pretty big news for football fans this final day of April.

First, since Com(munist)cast and the NFL Network have been miles apart on a new agreement to carry the network (NFL Net wants to be on a basic digital package, while Commiecast wants you to pay up to $7 as part of a what-seemed-to-have-been-named-by-Vince McMahon-named "Sports Entertainment" package sans fake fighting) as of 11:59 PM tonight, there might not be any more NFL Network on your local Comcast system, but users will get something. Depending on where you live, you'll get an option on two of the following: one free upgrade of your internet service, a year of the Starz premium movie channels, a free pay-per-view event (rock concert, WWE/TNA fake fighting, boxing or UFC event) or six on demand flicks. I predict lots of people will drop Commiecast in a hurry and sign up for DirecTV or Dish Network, mostly the former. Or if there's another video provider in the nieghborhood, that option will be used. Let's face it, when MLB Network was beiong formed, they agreed to allow cable into the project, and avoided those pitfall traps the NFL encountered.

UPDATE: Looks like they're going to stay on a little bit longer for now as the two are in extended talks to keep the channel on for now.

Meanwhile, it looks like NBC is taking "The Bus" out of the Football Night in America station. Jerome Bettis according to Newsday is being ousted from his role on the program, so it looks like it'll be Keith, Dan Patrick, Bob Costas and Tiki Barber instudio with Peter King along for the show as well when it all begins on September 13.